This week was shocking. So many friends and strangers and bloggers and dads reached out to me to let me know how much they related to my Fathers Day tribute. Or how much they cried. Or how much it made them feel (It’s here if you haven’t seen it).
And hearing all this is really the most wonderful thing to hear. Knowing that my words have moved someone to tears is astounding. And unreal. And feels so fucking good. That’s really my life’s goal– to make people feel something.
But I have a confession to make. I feel an obligation to tell you that that post took me 14 years to write. Not literally. I wasn’t sitting at a desk for fourteen years with a pen poised over paper. Then you would have probably never met me, and I would either be really fat or malnourished. But writing that piece required that I accept everything about my dad, which took a while. Accepting everything about someone is like inviting everyone on the entire street to your party. And being okay with the homeless people who show up and raid your vegetable crisper. You have to truly accept things that you may not like. Or things that scare you. And the hardest part is that you have to admit to yourself that your way is not the only way. TOUGH stuff. For me, it’s easier with dead people. I have yet to accept any boyfriend without requesting minor changes in personality and character. Yes, honey, I swear I love you but really you should be more motivated and also like the things I like.
Parents are even harder to accept. You have an idea of who you want them to be, and when they don’t turn out like that, you have to just swallow it. I didn’t imagine my dad would be gay. But I accepted it. And just when things were cool, he up and committed suicide. Great. Hadn’t imagined that either.
I gotta hand it to him– the man was an ace at surprises.
When someone commits suicide, your entire perception of him is stained. Every good memory is accompanied by flashes of death or guilt or panic. For a long time, I would see a size 15 New Balance sneaker, and I would remember my father. And I would smile. And then immediately my brain’s channel would flip to him dead on his bed waiting for someone to find him. And then I’d undoubtedly remember his neighbor saying that he only knew my father was upstairs decomposing after he’d cleaned out his refrigerator and realized that the horrible odor was indeed not Korean leftovers. Yep, my decomposing father smelled like old kimchi.
It’s gross. And perhaps horrifying. So I was positive those good memories were stained forever.
I thought his goodness was gone. I thought I could never get the good back without a slap in the face with the bad.
And then 14 years went by.
And it’s finally happened. I’m at the point where I can imagine his brown slippers and see only 3-year-old me pretending they were boats. And then smile. And then move on.
Only now can I listen to tapes of him playing the piano and simply remember his long fingers and how they swept across the keys like magic wands.
14 years is so long. So so long. It could have been sooner. All I had to do was make the choice.
But it’s hard to make that choice when you don’t understand there’s a choice to be made.
My dad had a choice. He had life right there asking him to decide. He could have said ‘This is hard, but I’m learning how to get through it.’ Instead he said, ‘This sucks. I’m outtee.’
Life’s all about those decisions. I have been choosing for years to say, ‘I grew up with a dead dad. That sucks. Whatever. I’m not going to think about it.’ And now I’m finally choosing to say, ‘This gives me a different perspective, and I’m going to learn what I can.’
Once I made that decision, things became clearer. I figured out that my pops was just a man. Like any other man. He had problems and fears and traumas and delights. And he spent his life winging it. Just like all of us do. We’re guessing right now. And that’s all we can do. In 1996, he felt hopeless and helpless. And he guessed wrong. He made the only kind of mistake from which he couldn’t learn. Before, I used to wonder what he was thinking in those minutes before death, completely conscious about his decision and his imminent demise. Did he think about me? Did it take long? Was he gasping for air? Was he thrashing around? Did he change his mind? Did he regret it? Did he regret anything? Did he wonder if he’d left the iron on? Did he know he’d end up smelling like Korean leftovers?
I’ll never know. But I have finally decided that I don’t need to know. I know that he was great when he was great. And I don’t need to spend any more time asking questions I can’t answer. Questions nobody can answer.
I have chosen to finally move on. To finally forgive this man and see him as just that: A man. A man who made a mistake. A man who would undoubtedly take back that mistake. A man who would be here with me right now if he could.
That’s why that tribute was so important to me. And that it means so much that other people got something from my years of work. 14 years in the making. 14 years to this moment where I can finally see our picture together and remember only the man whose feet I climbed onto. The guy who would dance me around the living room. That was my dad. That guy. That’s the guy I miss. That’s the guy who made everyone feel. Thanks again, Pops. You’re still teaching me lessons every day.
Now… on to the difficult task of accepting the people who are alive.
Me: Dad, I can’t believe you let Mom cut my hair this short. It’s hideous.Dad: You look fine. I’m the one with this horrible beard. It really itches.
Me: Your beard is great. And those glasses. Just wait til 2010, and you’ll fit in with the hipsters in LA.
Dad: Nah, I think I’ll head out in 1996 instead.
Me: All righty then. It’s been fun. I shall remember this time we had together. Peace out.
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
Only you could post something like this and still make me laugh during it :)
Beautiful follow up.
And yes, I'm crying again…
Hi Lorena
Es Diana desde madrid. Esto que acabo de leer me ha provocado un inmenso silencio y alegria por la fuerza y porque finalmente, cuando logramos sentir que nuestros seres amados son solo seres, como nosotros, y que no siempre lograron ser los ejemplos de vida que necesitabamos cuando éramos niñas, es alli, finalmente donde el perdón y los buenos recuerdos aparecen a llenarnos de amor y esperanza para seguir la vida con un secreto mágico agregado referente a la forma en que vives,
en que ries y experimentas todo en el presente. Un beso y un abrazo grande desde MADRIDDDDDDD
Great post. My brother committed suicide 11 years ago. I was so young never got to really know him
Thanks for sharing and being brave enough to share. Your writing is magical.
You're alive. And I accept you. And I think you write beautifully. And I think that's all there is to say.
Laurenne-I knew your dad. I'm an old friend of your mom's from Chicago. She 's the one who told me about your blog. I met Jim at the same time your mom did while working for a crisis intervention hotline. We hung out a lot together back in the day. You already know that your dad was a great guy. Here"s something you probably didn't know: he could do a mean tango hustle. If you're not familiar with this artifact of the disco era, check out the first partner dance that Tony and Stephanie do in Saturday Night Fever. Every time I hear 'More than a Woman' by the BeeGees I think of whirling around the dance floor with your dad. Best to you!
I came by because of the link to your entries from Hipstercrite's blog and I am crying for so many reasons, I don't really know where to begin.
What this particular entry does for me right now is to give me an extra 'boost' to keep going and work with the mess of my life (or is it simply a mess in my mind??). I want to know that I sincerely appreciate you having the courage to share this with the world.
I know that this was written months ago, but I just stumbled upon it thanks to Hipstercrite.
I'm going to be honest and say this made me tear up. (It's hard to actually make me cry.)
In mid-July, my own father committed suicide. I still have trouble remembering good things about him, and when I do, they leave just as fast. But this helped… helps. I don't know how to describe exactly why it helps, or how it helps at all, but it does.
Thank you.
This just made me cry. At work.
I just came across this part II..ironically, the lenght of the average blog post is about the same lenght of attention span that my one year old has, hence my sporadic reading..
I need to tell you , Laurenne: He WAS thinking about you. He loved you and was thinking about you.
Fantastic writing, keep it up :)
זקוקים ליעוץ נישואין ועוד תוכלו לקבל עזרה מאנשי מקצוע מוסמכים בתחום זה.
Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your blog. You have some really good posts and I believe I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please send me an e-mail if interested. Many thanks!
Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and all. However imagine if you added some great pictures or videos to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and videos, this site could definitely be one of the very best in its field. Terrific blog!
427e marker api fender nethermost britannia wisdom Corella horseshoes vejlby 427e
Hey, Thanks for the info!
The very core of your writing whilst sounding reasonable at first, did not work very well with me after some time. Someplace within the sentences you actually managed to make me a believer but only for a while. I however have a problem with your jumps in assumptions and you would do nicely to help fill in all those breaks. When you can accomplish that, I could surely be amazed.
Good Day from San Francisco! I found that really worthwhile. Thanks for the site. I will be back to check for more info when I can.
Heya i’m for the first time here. I found this board and I find It really useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and help others like you aided me.
I’d just like to let you know hvow much I learn from your wisdom Dugg u.Hope to be back in the near future for some more good stuff
A healthy man is a successful man.
buy kids prints
Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website so i came to “return the favor”.I’m trying to find things to improve my website!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!Just wish to say your article is as surprising. The clarity in your post is simply nice and i can assume you’re an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the enjoyable work.
Heya i’m for the first time here. I found this board and I find It really useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you aided me.
427e gant kinky hannele yung dmitrievna diplomacy solicitor zouzou wednesday 427e
Simply killing some in between class time on Digg and I discovered your article . Not normally what I desire to read about, but it surely was absolutely worth my time. Thanks.
I’m extremely inspired with your writing abilities well with the structure to your blog. Is this a paid subject matter or did you modify it yourself? Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it is uncommon to see a nice weblog like this one these days..
I would just like to letvv y0u know hvow much I learn from reading website Bookmarked it.Hope to be back soon for some more good articles
Well thought out article. You have a good opinion on the subject and I shall be subscribing to your feed and hope you will write again soon on similar subjects. But I was would like to know what your sources for the post are? Thanks a lot
What youre saying is completely true. I know that everybody must say the same thing, but I just think that you put it in a way that everyone can understand. I also love the images you put in here. They fit so well with what youre trying to say. Im sure youll reach so many people with what youve got to say.
Hello there I am so thrilled I found your blog page, I really found you by mistake, while I was researching on Bing for something else, Regardless I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a marvelous post and a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to look over it all at the moment but I have book-marked it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read much more, Please do keep up the awesome job.
hey there and thank you for your info ‘ I have definitely picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise some technical issues using this web site, since I experienced to reload the web site a lot of times previous to I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your hosting is OK’ Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will very frequently affect your placement in google and could damage your quality score if ads and marketing with Adwords. Well I’m adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more of your respective intriguing content. Make sure you update this again very soon..
amazing blog layout! How long have you been blogging for’ you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is great, let alone the content!
I’d be inclined to make a deal with you one this subject. Which is not something I typically do! I really like reading a post that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!
hellowallet personal finance software for mac os x
Nice website I may look at adding some of your ideas for my website.
Hello! I just want to give a huge thumbs up for the nice info you have got right here on this post. I shall be coming again to your blog for extra soon.
I enjoyed this very much! Just delightful! Your composing manner is pleasing and the way you managed the subject with grace is outstanding. I am intrigued, I suppose you are an expert on this subject. I am subscribing to your updates from now on.
I have recently started a website, and the info you provide on this web site has helped me a lot. Thank you for all of your time & work.
Aw, this was a really nice post. In concept I would like to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and precise effort to make a very good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and on no account seem to get one thing done.
Thanks a lot for being the coach on this subject matter. I actually enjoyed the article very much and most of all preferred how you really handled the areas I regarded as controversial. You happen to be always quite kind to readers really like me and assist me to in my everyday living. Thank you.
beautiful Laurenne!
wow. read the two articles about your dad. thank you for sharing very personal insights about you and your dad. it makes me evaluate the relationships i have with the people around me. I have recently loss my best friend of 8 years. it ain’t easy. it would have been more devastating if you loss someone by suicide when you were still young to figure what all these are.
you are indeed a beautiful woman. i am very happy that eric hahn decided to share your blog to the world.
may you be conforted thinking that you are a bright light for many of us who tries to make sense of our situations in lives…
may you continue to shine.
{ 2 trackbacks }