I’ve spent my career convincing people to buy things they don’t need. And in order to do this, I’ve lied. I’ve made teenagers think they had to have video games. And when I wasn’t sure if my lies would really ring true to them, I surveyed their peers and conned them into telling me what tricks I could use. Before that, I made men and women ages 18-45 believe that they could really benefit from eating tacos and ice cream from Jack-in-the-Box. And when I wasn’t sure that they’d fall for it, I spent days making those tacos and ice cream look so absurdly delicious that they had to say it: I want that.
Many advertisers will tell you that they’re simply helping their clients get the word out about their products. Or that they’re creating art that people want to see and pass to their friends. But I think those people also believe that you can’t get a girl pregnant if you hold your breath while ejaculating. Because the amount of inventing and manipulating that goes on before a campaign hits popular culture is pretty ridiculous. And the amount of money spent on getting these campaigns to market is even more so. We could probably end world poverty for the price of two Nike spots.
We spend months at our stale desks deciding what a brand’s stance should be. Most of the time, we make up everything or we make a huge deal about the tiniest bit of info. Volvos aren’t really safer. Proactiv doesn’t really work. And McDonald’s surely isn’t healthy all of a sudden just because it added salads to the menu.
I’ve always felt uneasy about making this my career. Ok, more than uneasy– more like a douche bag full of puss, which is way grosser than a regular old douche bag. The yucky feeling crescendoed until I popped and left town for most of 2009. I took off and didn’t watch one commercial or even TV (except when I was lonely in Vietnam and saw Dreamgirls and an American Idol from 2005).
But now I’m back and things are askew. This time advertising has manipulated me.
I’m working on an account that shall remain nameless. This mysterious account won’t allow lies in its advertising. And it holds tight to the rule that every couple featured in its ads must be deeply in love. At first I scoffed. Then I laughed. Then I paced around in circles. What? This goes against everything. I was ready to jump back in and invent more lies like the one about how cows in California produce better cheese.
But no! Instead, this client spent its ad money to fly real couples to LA for the shoot. They put them all up in hotels and even gave them care packages! These couples got the royal wardrobe treatment and took to the sets like movie stars. But they were REAL. And in LOVE. And I was shocked.
We filmed for eight days. Eight extra long days of watching pairs and pairs of happy soul mates traipse around Los Angeles. Normally, when happy soul mates vacation in front of you, it’s maddening. I take comfort in my single bitterness. I’m just fine alone in my endeavor to spend my life with the option to rub my naked ass on the couch whenever I want and never ever clean my shower if I don’t feel like it. Single! Independent. Don’t need me no nobody.
But that’s before I was surrounded by 52 couples who can’t live without each other. That’s 104 hearts filled with emotion and love and compassion for that perfect person who isn’t a dream but a real match who feels the same way back.
And so I realized: I want that.
I knew I wanted that before, of course. But now I really want it. Because I’ve seen the commercials. And because it might be nice if there was somebody to pull my socks off when I’m too tired or tell me the funny things about his day or help me cheat at Skee-ball or hold my hand until we fall asleep.
The karma bell has rung. Making these ads has manipulated me into wanting something I don’t have. And this is much worse than all the manipulation I’ve ever created. Because you can’t buy love at a drive-thru.
I’ve spent my career convincing people to buy into advertising. And now advertising has convinced me to buy into love.
I hate you, Advertising. I always have.
{ 139 comments… read them below or add one }
That sounds like one amazing ad campaign!
Cheating at skeeball? Have you no shame?
I would take your socks off after a long day. Then I would throw them away. I like new sock smell.
Let's pretend I didn't say anything.
I actually hate this phrase, but can't think of a better response to this…
Oy vey
I know! Oy Vey! I'm so cheesy all of a sudden. HELP ME!
Oh I love this!! And I'm glad you had the chance to observe/participate and work on an honest project…how'd they find that many couples in this crazy world??
sorry for being a skeptic! oops!!
carrie
ps-i think i know who your client might be b/c 2 of my friends were up for this….maybe the same company.
Volvos aren't safe?
I know how you feel about working in advertising. Somehow I got sucked into working in corporate marketing and it makes my skin crawl.
Sounds like this "nameless company" is a good client. It inspired another great blog. I heart your blogs.
i adore you… that is all…
Hahaha the messer becomes the mess-ee! Very trippy. Yay love!
Two thingies:
1: Crap. The holding breath thing doesn't work? I suspected, but. . .crap.
2: I saw an earlier iteration of those lovey-dovey-look how happy we are commercials. All soft lighting and smiles. Very effective at 2 AM. It's still a sham and a bamboozle–don't worry, your hard won lack of scruples is intact!
So…did you take the freebie you were offered?
Yay! Comments!
Freebird – the best is that they had to really weed out some couples! There are so many people in love. It freaked me out too.
Anonymous – No! It's a sham. Volvos might have tested a notch safer back in the day and advertisers ran with that to form a brand. I'd guess that all motorized metal hunks are equally safe.
Amy! Thanks for hearting my blog. We should start an ad/marketing support group.
Karina & Cata. Love you too. Will you take my socks off at night until I find a replacement?
Mikey – I was shocked about the holding the breath thing too. No wonder I had 4 abortions in high school.
LL – yep. So far: Nada
Rahul – new socks only, huh? You're the kind of guy who only dates 20-yr-olds, aren't you? Figures.
Margaret! Thanks. It's going to be really nice, I think. I mean, in terms of commercials.
At first I wanted to kick some serious booty, being yo ex-professor an' all.
Then I read on.
I'm really happy for you…there CAN be advertising that's powerful in a good way. That even..gulp..helps the world! There CAN!
Loved this entry.
You have successfully made me yearn for my soulmate. Damn, you're very good at this advertising thing.
there's no lie about the three fabulous cutting/cheese boards I still have and use in my kitchen. thank you, cheese. thank you.
You aren't as cheesy as my Yogi tea today: "Let your heart guide you."
Beautiful, L. You're a klassy lady (yes, klassy with a k). To new adventures.
I must admit, this whole blog-advertising campaign was some pretty outside-the-box thinking on your part – and executed quite well. Don't most advertisers have a 5-word limit (to match the dwindling attention span of their audience)?
I'm just curious what your client's first reaction was when you told them the blog-message that would elicit the best emotional reaction from the public was "Ok, I know I've been lying to you the entire time… but this time I'm serious. You NEED to buy this product and find true love. Guaranteed!"
hehe
My old ad professor commenting… look at that! And he's still really into it. Some people love ads. Some people, not naming names, are working feverishly until the day when they can quit forever.
Aimee! I am sorry you're yearning for your soul mate. Join the damn club. And why is soulmate two words? I think it should be one.
Josie! Welcome and thanks a lot. YOU are Klassy and quite a gourmand.
cutting boards for free! Why did you take all 3, you selfish ho?
Anonymous – you are so right. I wrote this for a client! You got me. It's EZGlide lube. Don't tell.
beautifully written.
i'm sold.
i think i'm gonna have to become a member of that site!
Your diatribe on Love, people in love, people loving one another, people publically showing their love for each other, was an interesting response. Having someone to love and them loving you back – be spouse/partner/significant other, child, grandchild, dad, mom, whomever: it is the greatest feeling in the world. You feelings confirm this, as you did with your tribute to your dad.
I have been lucky to have two women love me and love me in very different ways: my current wife of 37 years – a strong and solid love, and your mom way back in 1965 at NIU – a high energy wild uninhibited love.
I'm not exactly sure what lie you're referring to – happy cows come from California.
I know it's true, they looked so joyous on the TV. And the sunshine!
Those are some happy cows.
awww that sounds like an amazing ad!
Agree soulmate should be one word. And you needed happy couples?!?!?! To basically vacation in CA??? Why weren't the Kings called!!! Maybe next time.
Megan… sadly I inform you: I shot a few of those cow commercials. Those cows' feet were tied up and they were the opposite of happy. Sorry.
Mary– of course the Kings were my number one pick for happy couples. However, I know for a fact you didn't use this product in your relationship.
Wocka01 – Why thank you! I've always wanted to know what kind of lover my mother was. Not really. But it's good to meet you. I often wear an old Tshirt of yours, and it always freaks me out that I could have had a different dad.
Best Kept Secrets! Hi! I want to talk to you more about your secrets.
Thanks for the response…. all the best to you and your mom. Warren Bruce
I know I'm straying off topic – and the love thing is beautiful, but I'm with Megan and I desperately want to know more about the cows…
…Please don't judge me.
Awesome. You're on a roll here lately.
Also, thank you for saying that you can't find love at a drive-thru. I had begun to suspect perhaps that's why I'm single – because I gave up fast food years ago. I feel marginally better now that my diet is probably not keeping me from finding love.
Also, impassioned fist bump, gal pal. I see love everywhere. And I want it. Yesterday.
This is my favorite entry <3
I want that too.
That’s really all I have to say on this one.
I really, really want that.
I hope that you feel guilt when I tell you exactly how much money I spent at Jack-in-the-Box, otherwise known as “Jaque le Boe”. Even worse, I have bought every single type of video game ever manufactured. I never realized that it was all your fault. From this day on, I will never underestimate the power of a woman’s mind and how they are able to manipulate the male mind. I’m beginning to think that my wife may be in cahoots with you and Madge, maybe she has convinced me that I don’t want to travel outside the continental US so she can go by herself or with her friends. (na, I just don’t want to see anymore of what real life is like)
I’m so glad that you are not one of those people that convince the public that we must invade, bomb, blow up, and then make money rebuilding some poor country that we can overpower. However, I must admit that those that do these sort of things are very good at their job, they sure convinced me-I even volunteered to go and I couldn’t wait to get there. They have Jack-in-ther-Box there now I understand, but it’s called Kim Cao kee-in-a-box in Ho Che Mhin City.
OK then, with that said, I’m off to “Sex at the Salad Bar”, your next entry of this blog.
Enjoying your blog.
Donald
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