I went for a run last night on the Venice boardwalk in the dark, one of my favorite pastimes.
I passed a group of homeless meth heads (yes, I know they were meth heads because they looked like [THIS]), and the bald one yelled out to me:
Hey, baby! You ever see a grown white man naked before?
This sounded strange to me. I didn’t know whether to be:
1. Excited because he must have thought my supple skin to be of virgin quality.
2. Insulted because he must have thought I hadn’t been able to get anyone to undress in front of me before.
3. Insulted because he must have thought I was a pedophile and had only seen non-grown naked white men before.
4. Flattered because he must have thought I was a lesbian (I’ve always felt I’m not edgy enough to be a lesbian.).
Involuntarily, I screamed, ‘Yes! Yes, I have.’
The group burst out in meth head laughter.
But then I thought about it.
That meth head knew me so well.
Methy was almost correct in his skepticism.
Now, I’m:
5. Amazed that he could tell I have a black/brown man fetish.
I have actually only seen one grown white man naked. (If you’re reading this, yes it’s you. [see how I did that to make him feel special when I’m actually just covering my ass in case I missed one?]) Genius.
Meth heads are so brilliant. I need to get me some of that. I’ll age prematurely, but I’ll be able to see into the sexual partners of others, an invaluable talent. If this blog gets incoherent and choppy, you know why. But if my face skin starts sloughing off at dinner, can someone please get me on that intervention show so I can have a miracle recovery and then finally get a book deal?
Shit. My future just got so bright. Meth for everyone! On me!
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Wow! You make it seem like a meth future is bright and cheery. Short. But bright and cheery!
Yeah. I was being sarcastic. Although it does sound like the fastest way to a book deal.
I hope no teenagers read this. Whoops!
Being a mom, all I'm thinking is…..WHY ARE YOU OUT RUNNING IN THE DARK IN VENICE AROUND METH HEADS??????
And would you please stop that? Really. Please.
I've grown fond of you.
First of all…that link is whacked! I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Secondly, I have so many stories about Venice Boardwalk. I miss all those crazy shenanigans. I told you that a psychic stopped me once there and told me I had kidney problems, right?
This only means one thing.
Meth heads should be at every stand up comedy show.
They laugh at everything. Audience fillers!
Since methies can see into souls, does this mean Miss Cleo is a meth head? My world has been turned upside down.
OMG that is hilarious.
You just totally sold me on being a meth-head.
That was the point of this post, right? RIGHT?!
best faces of meth link. loveeee it
Hmmm, I'm black from the waist down! I don't have a big dick, I just have ashy knees…
Screw Meth, this is even cheaper!
http://www.anus.com/etc/jenkem/
Why do I know this crap…excuse the pun…
I'm not edgy enough to be a lesbian, either. Sometimes I don't think things through before I dive in head first. Or not dive in head first, as the case may be. Don't be like me.
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who needs meth when you can guzzle ajax and rub your face on the cement? naked grown white men make doing meth seem feasible. black men, well, they are gifts from heaven. unless we're talking about teddy pendergrass. or bill cosby.
Intervention is one of my favorite shows! Your thought process up there cracked me up! He doesn't know what he meant. Actually I think all of that was code for "do you have any money for me"? Girl, the "sloughing" skin part made me sick! Show me the "waysiout"!!
I'm with the other mom. As your actual mom I too want to know WHAT WERE YOU DOING ALONE AT NIGHT AMONG METH HEADS??!
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