October 7, 2010

The truth will set us free. And also make us mad for not knowing it beforehand.

“What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you.” That’s what they say. I think they should amend this to “What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you until you find out what it is that you haven’t been knowing.”
Maybe I’m not the best one to go around amending quotations.
“To err is human. And also something everyone does.”
“To be or not to be. That is the question a lot of people ask when they’re high.”

Well, whatever. The first one is in definite need of amendment even though they said it and they are always right. But they haven’t been singing Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation’ on a bus full of Girl Scouts when the entire troop turns around and laughs.
What I didn’t know was that the lyrics happen to be ‘We are a part of a Rhythm Nation’ instead of ‘We are a part of a big erection.’

I didn’t know the truth.
I’d seen the cassette cover, but my ears heard what they heard.
I’m still not sure that, at eight years old, I really understood everything about erections. All I did know was that Janet and her crew of hot ladies got into some warehouse and wore slutty costumes while they sweat and danced in order to give some mysterious guy a huge erection.
I mean, it actually does make sense.
And if that’s what you know, then it’s what you know. Until you learn something different.

Sometimes you imagine something to be a certain way. And so it is. And it’s not until you venture out that you learn what’s really ‘true.’ Like to a new school. Or a friend’s house. That’s where I had one of my other very early revelations: Melissa’s house. In my abode, I learned that it’s normal to head on to bed without underwear. I just figured it was something people did the world over. It was a truth. Just like the big erection. Just like: all kids eat frozen fish sticks, dads only visit on weekends, and being on a diet is a natural part of being a mother.

But at Melissa’s house, the truths were flipped. Her mom drank regular Coke, her dad lived in her house all week long, she had no fish sticks in sight, and when I woke up on top of the sleeping bag in the living room with my T-shirt flipped to expose my tiny vagina and her brother staring at me from the hallway, I felt like something was amiss.

That’s when I figured that some things I learned to be true just aren’t. Not everyone in the world sleeps with their crotches to the sky. And if they do, they don’t do it during slumber parties.
And there was another truth that was staring at me and I didn’t even see it. Well, I saw it. I just didn’t see it because it didn’t go along with the truth I learned. Like many people, I learned that men like women and women like men and that’s how it is. So I just thought my dad had a really good friend with whom he lived and shared a bed. Yes, they cooked together. Yes, their hands occasionally brushed over one another at the dinner table. But they were just friends because I was six and had NO idea that the truth I learned about love wasn’t the only one. This went on for years. Because if you learn something one way, it’s so so hard to convince your mind there really is another way. Not even leather vests or rainbow flags can give it away.

Nope. Seriously didn’t know. Even after professional portrait time.
(I’m the one with inappropriate headband use)
(note: aren’t gay dads cute?)

The truth is right in front of us, but our brains won’t allow us to see it. I think this is what M. Night Shyamalan has been trying to teach us for years. I think we got it with that one movie though. Hey Shyamalan, We’re good. We get it.

What else are we not seeing before our eyes? What about Earth? First we learned it was flat. Then we learned it was round. Really, it’s a piece of debris in a large abandoned warehouse in some universe that none of us can comprehend. Some weird alien types filmed a music video there, gave some guy a huge erection, and accidentally dropped Earth in the corner. And all we self-important humans are just flecks of dust on this neglected warehouse Earth. The sun is really a neon light that flicks on by timer in a neighboring warehouse. Since Earth is so small, our time goes by more quickly while it’s really been only a few weeks in the other realm. And there’s a sign up on the wall in this abandoned warehouse that says ‘demolition 2012.’ The Mayans saw it, and simply put it in their calendar. So in actuality, they aren’t super smart. They just have really great vision.

I’m feeling Twilight-ish series potential in this story.
Shyamalan: this could be your new thing.

The good news is that, if we try hard enough, we can control our minds to believe whatever ‘truth’ we wish, and so I’m suggesting we all decide to believe that we’re happy. And that the moment we die everything becomes super fun. Oh, and can we finally all believe that everyone is equal? Please? Let’s all just believe in those truths together, and life will be grand. Oh, and that Laurenne is really skinny and has very clear skin and is always right. Definite truths. Start believing RIGHT NOW.

Ok, off to go ride a unicorn. It’s not a Toyota Scion. I truly believe it’s a unicorn.


Cata October 7, 2010 at 11:26 am

Yes! Truths are ever changing and self created. It's just what Britney said: People can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. But the question is, can you handle mine?

I love your truth. And I love your headband.

Hollye Dexter October 7, 2010 at 1:06 pm

omg laurenne….
you are so talented it's ridiculous!
What a great piece!
I loved loved loved this!
Get on that book, girl!

Rahul October 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Dad week for us! Kind of? Man, why are we so awesome? Virtual high five.

When I graduated college my mom told me to call M. Night Shyamalan for a job because I'm Indian and he's Indian and we'll all be friends.

Oh, this is about you.

Good thing you weren't drinking regular coke, that stuff had needles and other urban legends in it. One time I think they found the country of Colombia in it. I saw it on the news.

Thats what "they" said anyway. I want to be a "they".

Vodka and Ground Beef October 7, 2010 at 3:01 pm

I love this: “To be or not to be. That is the question a lot of people ask when they’re high."

I wanted a Unicorn so bad, but I settled for a Nissan. It's more of a Caspian Tiger.

alonewithcats October 7, 2010 at 3:54 pm


I'm a believer! I couldn't Lever if I tried.

And I'm not sure what Lever soap has to do with believing, but it's really good at cleaning all your 2000 parts, so maybe it also washes away the lies and the truth becomes evident.

The Monkees are surprisingly insightful sometimes.

alonewithcats October 7, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Damn it! I always accidentally hit return and then my comment just flies onto your blog. Is this a ploy to get more comments? Because it's working.

Big Mark 243 October 7, 2010 at 4:49 pm

Hollye Dexter nailed it. If it makes you blush, it should. I don't know what it is like to be so talented at something, but I would like it if I knew someone who was. Even if it is through the medium of the interwebz, it would still be awesome to say 'I knew you when'.

Really, this read like many of the other allegedly more polished and professional essays I have read. The potential for a longer story, is readily evident. If not with this, I do hope you do choose something out of your mind to write about.

I would rather read essays like this than I would the stuff by David Sedaris. Really.

Tanya Ward Goodman October 8, 2010 at 7:49 am

Another great essay! Love your voice. Thanks for sharing!

laurenne October 8, 2010 at 11:53 am

You guys are the best blog readers ever. Thank you thank you thank you!

You'd rather read me than Sedaris, Mark!? Ha! Best compliment I could ever ask for!!!!!!!
Can you please tell that to some agents for me? Thanks.

Love in the Dumps October 8, 2010 at 12:28 pm

I believe I better get laid tonight. If it doesn't happen I'm SUING this blog.

grumpy October 8, 2010 at 4:03 pm

That family pic is the most precious thing ever! Love it. Now I want two gay dads.

Simone Says... October 11, 2010 at 9:49 am

one of the most brilliant pieces i've read in a long time. thank you. i have a scion, and i pretend it's my chariot.

big.city.small.wallet October 11, 2010 at 4:04 pm

I don't know if I want to be you or make out with you…

big.city.small.wallet October 11, 2010 at 4:04 pm

I don't know if I want to be you or make out with you…

Lindsay October 12, 2010 at 7:46 am

I wish I had a really awesome and insightful comment. But mostly I just want to say that you are also awesome. Because you wrote this AND because you like Carlos Vives too. WIN.

Jimmy October 14, 2010 at 9:18 am

I thought that wearing a hat contributed to baldness because my family drilled it into my head. I've had all these hats that I barely wore because of it. A few months ago I found out this is false! It's just an urban legend! I feel like I've missed out on hat-wearing so now I'm trying to catch up. I might even wear a fedora.

Brooke Farmer October 21, 2010 at 1:44 pm

NOTHING wrong with driving a Scion!!! Lol.

But sure, I'd trade my Scion for a unicorn too.

Demetrius Garbe April 16, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I’m really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Anyway keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..

Shawnna Niermann April 16, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you! By the way, how can we communicate?

Bryant Bocchicchio April 17, 2011 at 3:13 am

Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website so i came to “return the favor”.I’m attempting to find things to enhance my web site!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!

free website April 17, 2011 at 4:40 am

Very good blog you have here but I was curious if you knew of any discussion boards that cover the same topics talked about in this article? I’d really love to be a part of online community where I can get opinions from other knowledgeable individuals that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Cheers!

Octavio Haque April 17, 2011 at 9:53 am

Really like your websites particulars! Undoubtedly a beautiful offer of information that’s extraordinarily helpful. Stick with it to carry publishing and that i’m gonna proceed studying by the use of! Cheers.

vigrx plus review April 17, 2011 at 10:32 am

This is the perfect blog for anyone who wants to know about this topic. You know so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I really would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a subject thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!

Free Xbox 360 April 17, 2011 at 10:46 am

Hmm it looks like your site ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I wrote and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to the whole thing. Do you have any suggestions for rookie blog writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.

Kindra Hoffee April 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm

My neighbor and I have been just debating this particular topic, he is often looking for to show me incorrect. Your view on this is great and exactly how I actually feel. I just now mailed him this web site to indicate him your own view. After looking over your website I book marked and can be coming back to read your new posts!

Windy Zenzen April 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

extended post you teem with

best colon cleanse April 24, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Hey – nice blog, simply wanting around some blogs, seems a fairly nice platform You Are using. I’m at the moment using Drupal for a few of my sites however trying to change one of them over to a platform very much the identical to yours as a trial run. Something particularly you’d recommend about it?

used airsoft April 24, 2011 at 11:34 pm

thank you for this wondrous post, I am glad I noticed this website on yahoo.

free ipod touch April 25, 2011 at 1:10 am

Hey there! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing months of hard work due to no data backup. Do you have any methods to prevent hackers?

mariage April 25, 2011 at 1:42 am

I have dreamed of obtaining some courses made on this topic from the moment I started developing interest in it and now that I’m fortunate to be one of many readers of your site on this important matter. My dream of turning out to be an expert just like you is becoming a reality. I am glad to have the opportunity to thank you in person for your generosity. Thank you very much

backlink checkers April 25, 2011 at 2:01 am

what is the best seo software to check backlinks?

bachelors April 25, 2011 at 2:09 am

I would like to use the chance of saying thanks to you for that professional direction I have constantly enjoyed checking out your site. I will be looking forward to the particular commencement of my university research and the general groundwork would never have been complete without coming to your blog. If I might be of any help to others, I would be glad to help through what I have gained from here.

Elois Calvent April 25, 2011 at 2:34 am

nice site what theme are you using? my browser wont let me scroll down:P cheers

money maker April 25, 2011 at 3:33 am

i really like the colours of the site

bill cunningham new york watch online April 25, 2011 at 4:41 am

Amazing blog and very interesting stuff you got here! I definitely learned a lot from reading through some of your earlier posts as well and decided to drop a comment on this one!

mold inspection Miami April 25, 2011 at 4:49 am

Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that I’ve truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts. After all I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

Felicia Williams April 25, 2011 at 5:44 am

Im obtaining a browser error, is anyone else?

Website cost May 12, 2011 at 9:34 pm

5. Fantastic goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you’re just too magnificent. I actually like what you have acquired here, certainly like what you are saying and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still care for to keep it sensible. I can not wait to read far more from you. This is actually a great website.

gold detecting May 20, 2011 at 9:17 am

Does this kind of seriously function, anyone tried it but?

Mario July 28, 2011 at 3:10 pm

WOW…. You have some serious talent and I never knew that…

Mario July 28, 2011 at 4:07 pm

not that I never knew you were talented … I meant never knew about your dad ; -)

Lucas Duntley September 2, 2011 at 4:40 am

certainly like your web site but you have to check the spelling on quite a few of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling issues and I find it very bothersome to tell the truth nevertheless I will surely come back again.

Caroline March 15, 2012 at 12:38 am

When people are crazy dicks, I am just going to say to them, “I am choosing to believe that you adore me, and the words coming out of your mouth are, ‘Wow you are amazingly talented and beautiful and I am so lucky I met you.’ to which I reply You Are Welcome.”

smo social media optimization March 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Hi there, i just wanted to drop you a line to say that i thoroughly enjoyed this particular post of yours, I have subscribed to your RSS feeds and have skimmed a few of your posts before but this one really stood out for me. I know that I am just a stranger to you but I figured you might appreciate the admiration Take care and keep blogging.

{ 2 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: