Society says you’re really immature if you talk about farts. And comedy says you’re lazy if you talk about farts. I’ve been torn for the last few days because the infamous Crowd Farter has brought to my attention an intense desire to talk about farts. So, let’s all join hands and wear turtlenecks and be mature for a minute. Let’s forget that farts come from our butts and sometimes sound like sirens, and let’s just concentrate on the Crowd Farter himself.
I felt a call to action when I went to Disneyland on New Year’s Eve. My man friend and I took a delightful jaunt to the happiest place on Earth for an afternoon of casual roller coaster riding and a few hugs from Mickey and friends. We weren’t aware that New Year’s Eve is the busiest day of the entire year.
Oh.
When you arrive, they hand you a little paper that explains all the good things about the neighboring park, pretty much begging you to please go there instead. But did we? Nope. As soon as we handed our tickets to the grimacing Disney attendant, we knew we should have heeded the advice of the little paper. It was like walking through peanut butter. People and more people everywhere. And this special eve is one of those occasions that calls the fanatics out. Not one but many grown men dressed as Jack Sparrow pranced as much as grown men dressed as Jack Sparrow* can prance. Hidden among the men with eyeliner, the families wearing Mickey ears and the college kids dressed as princesses lurked several Crowd Farters.
Crowd Farters are aware of the noise level of crowds. They know there’s movement in a group so they feel safe, finding no need to walk away briskly or defensively joke about smelling it and dealing it. They wouldn’t do this at a business meeting or on a date. But as soon as big numbers ensure their anonymity, they delight in ruining firework displays, church, concerts, the theater, subway rides, elevators, mall food courts, outdoor festivals, ride lines at Disneyland, and worst of all: airplanes. They’re farting professionals.
And they need to be stopped.
But can they be? There’s no proof in the pudding, my friends. And I don’t understand that phrase because is there ever proof in pudding? I’m not sure there’s ever even fingerprints on pudding. I’ve contemplated this, and I’m thinking anyone would be hard-pressed to brush for prints on either bread pudding or chocolate pudding. And many crowds don’t even have pudding in them. Therefore, Crowd Farters cannot be identified. We all like to guess the culprit just by the expressions of our fellow crowd members, but there’s never any pudding. You know who you are, Crowd farter. Yes, you do. And I beg you to please… hold off. Do it for humanity. Do it for the pudding.
I inhaled at least thirty farts on New Year’s Eve, appropriately encapsulating the stinky year that was 2010. It wasn’t the Happiest Place on Earth for me that day. Because it was filled with Crowd Farters but also because I paid $15 for two pretzels and because Mickey was very rude when I poked him with needles.
You might say that I know so much about the psyche of the Crowd Farter because I’ve been one myself. And to that, my friends, I must guffaw. My farts are like that of this video. In fact, there are so many butterflies flittering around my apartment, I’m actually scared to sleep.
*Jack Sparrow is from some movie called Pirates of the Carribean. I never saw it, but I guess Johnny Depp wears eyeliner and long black dreads in it. Based on the costumed men at Disneyland, I will never see it.
*If you’re from a literary journal, hello. No, I did not just spend six hours writing about farts. What gave you that idea? Here, look! A very mature Funny Human: The Ghayter
*Yes, I do think there is a connection between Crowd Farters and Ed Hardy shirts.
{ 125 comments… read them below or add one }
I'm an elevator farter.
I love getting on the elevator watching the floors light up and determining just the right moment when no one will be boarding the elevator. Then I like to assume the Larry Craig wide-ankle stance and open the bomb doors and release the me methane. Knowing that the person waiting in the lobby to go upstairs after a smoke is in for the pungent treat of their lives.
But that's just me.
I'm a Crowd Farter. You can tell I did because I smile afterwards. Especially if I'm with someone that will recognize my brand.
I love fart humor.
Also, you said butt. Haha butt.
One of my favorite things in life is to fart in proximity of touchy-feely guys and drunk girls who continually bump into me in nightclubs.
You are so funny! Away with the Crowd Farter! And Jack Sparrow look alikes! And Ed Hardy shirts! Most definitely Ed Hardy shirts! Ed Hardy shirts be damned!
When did Disney get to monopolize "Happiest Place on Earth"? I feel like this should be looked into. Have the people at Disney every been to Italy? People are pretty happy there. What about Nice,France. How could that be unhappy?!?! We're so nice. Hold on, I'm being told it's pronounced "niece". Well, nieces are happy sometimes too. It's a win win.
Also anyone that farts in an elevator should be checked into a mental hospital. Is nothing sacred anymore? I feel bad for elevator button pushing people. Do they still have those? They probably smell like Drakkar Noir and stale fart after a 8 hour shift. Deadly combo.
I hope you're sitting down, because I have a confession: I come from a family of farters.
My brother is a notorious Car Farter. Nothing brings him more pleasure than letting one rip in the dead of winter when it's too cold to roll down the windows.
My mother is a Full-Time Farter. She farts like it's her job. I've actually started to suspect she is paid per fart. Or maybe she just has quotas to meet. I'm not sure how the fart industry works.
Please still love me. We can't choose our families, flatulent as they may be.
My roomie, I will choose to be anonymous with her name, but Laurenne – you know her well…
She is an anytime farter. Crowds, sofa watching TV, elevator, car, gym, whatever. Having been the roommate for quite a while now, I know here flavor all too well.
We can be in the middle of a club at 1am where all you can smell is alcohol, Ed Hardy cologne and the slight hint of throw-up. I will look over at her and shake my head. She's just let out the stinkiest stinky bomb of a fart. She smiles and shrugs her shoulders. And everyone else around us pretends not to smell it or else be the "1st who smelt it, dealt it."
dying laughing at your post and your illustration. brilllllliant! i must confess, when i was 18 years old, my mom, sister and i went to disney world in orlando and i had the WORST farts and pretty much RUINED the experience for my sister (and probably several innocent bystanders). my sister is still traumatized – decades later…
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I'd like to add another category of farters, yoga farters. Yoga farters are the worst. There is something about yoga that seems to twist the fart out of people. I'll be there trying to get my yoga on and then someone will fart. Not just a smelly one but an audible one so everyone totally knows who did it. But no one acknowledges it. Meanwhile, I'm frantically looking around to find someone with whom I can share a "I know you heard that lady fart" look with to no avail. Damn yogis and their mature acceptance of farts.
Man, I've never been so glad not to have spent some time at Disney.
And not just because of my fear of grown men in costume.
(To clarify, I'm referring to Micky. Though am equally uncomfortable around Jack Sparrow look alikes.)
Man, I love to "crop-dust" the restaurant I work at…the smell of garlic is so strong, that you can barely smell the farts!
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