February 24, 2011

I banged that chick last night. She smelled like fruitcake.

I was about seven when I heard an off-color joke I didn’t understand. My mom explained it as politely as she could.

“Well, Laurenne, some men like to joke around and say that a woman’s private parts smell like fish.”

Aaaaand that was the beginning of a very long paranoia about the scent of my own vagina.

I don’t remember my mom ever saying much else about it. There was no, “Any private part that’s stuffed into a sealed-off underpant all day long is about to catch some sweaty scent– even balls.”

That would have been slightly comforting. If she did say that, all I heard was “Holy shit! Your vagina’s gonna smell like fish one day and some guy’s gonna think you’re disgusting.”

It didn’t stop there. Once the junior high kids got wind of the rumor, they spread it all over the place. The bullies at school would call the boys “faggots” and tell the girls their lady parts were full of shrimp. As if I didn’t already have to worry about the rubber bands on my braces snapping or my bra stuffing falling out. Now I had to worry about how fresh I was. I even considered douching. This was in the 90s, a douche bag’s heyday– before the term was ruined by Ed Hardy.

Mortified, I didn’t let anyone go near my shrimp spot. No way, Hosni (keepin’ it current up on this new blog, yo!).

As I got to the age when guys actually wanted to explore down there, I cautiously giggled my way out of those situations. That stupid fish rumor single-handedly ruined all my early sexual experiences, making them way more one-sided than they should have been. Thanks a lot, society. You owe me at least twenty orgasms.

It’s been a long road, but I think I have finally veered off the path of pungent paranoia. This happened because 1.) I have smelled enough balls to know that women should NOT be cowering in some corner as if WE have a problem. 2.) I’m no longer in high school where people are gossiping about whose snatch smells the worst. 3.) I’ve come to enjoy my womanhood so much that I wish that I could bottle it. What? What’s that you say? You say that someone has figured out how to encapsulate womanhood?

SOMEONE HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO ENCAPSULATE WOMANHOOD! Bottled. Vulva aroma. Vulvaroma. AND MEN ARE BUYING IT for 25 euros. It came out in 2009, and I can’t believe I am just now breaking wind of it.  Why aren’t more women exploiting this? This invention is a WIN for all womankind.

Whether or not you buy it or use it, we finally have proof that some people love the scent of a woman. So much so that they want to wear it. Actually, the website says a tiny amount is applied onto the back of the hand “and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies.” Men and lesbians can hit arousal just by smelling our cannelloni! Can somebody please start spreading this around so the current generation’s pre-teens don’t have to go through so much vaginal angst?

In closer speculation of the video, you will note that the smoldering German model goes in for the sniff after the vulva is all worked out. MEN ARE EVEN ATTRACTED TO THE SCENT OF A WOMAN AFTER THE GYM! The creator of the Vulva-in-a-bottle claims it took him over a year to find the right combination of urine, sweat, and female arousal.

Rejoice! I am feeling a female freedom I’ve never felt before. I feel like having sex once without showering beforehand (Just once.). I feel like doing the splits naked at the nearest gas station. I feel like shoving my loin divider into the noses of every man on the street and then charging 25 euros.

But how accurate is it? I scoured the internets for some reviews. One chick says the scent is very accurate, and another British talk show host put some on his fingers and joked that he couldn’t go home to his wife (British humor– not always funny). Does this confirmation by many mean that all vaginas smell the same? British ones and American ones? Mine and yours? The perfumers claim the scent was extracted from only a ‘beautiful’ woman, but I have a feeling ugly women don’t smell bad just because they’re ugly. And if most people who smell it claim it to be accurate, doesn’t that mean all women share a similar scent? Rejoice again! We spend years utterly paranoid about how horrible we must smell when our ladinesses are all exactly the same and really smell good enough to bottle.

In an interview in the Examiner, a gay man with no prior vulva experience said that Vulva smells like Christmas.

There you have it, folks. We learned a big lesson today. Society needs to stop with the rumors and jokes about fishy vaginas. Women don’t smell like fish. We smell like commercialism and ham.

Hey, jerks. Quit saying we smell like vaginas.


rich February 24, 2011 at 10:40 am

Feliz navidad.

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 10:47 am

yay! A comment on my new blog. Don’t worry, Rich. I’m sure some women smell like Hanukkah too.

Chinklybones Macintosh III August 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I smell like Hanukkah

Anthea February 24, 2011 at 10:55 am

OMG girl. You crack me up!

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 8:55 pm

you crack me up! Feathersssss.

Rahul February 24, 2011 at 10:55 am

I’m pretty sure this post was over 1000 words. I demand royalties. Also sad that I wasn’t quoted.

What’s the euro to american dollar exchange? I need to know to find out how many Vulvaromas i can buy for $250. I’m sure it’s one. Or 7. OR SOMETHING.

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 8:58 pm

it was NOT! 835. Swear it.
I DID ask you about vaginas, but that was only to confirm my suspicions.
I was fearful lots of men would say I was wrong and that all snatches DO smell like fish.
So, thanks for the confidence.
I believe you can buy 7 Vulvaromas for $250. But without shipping and handling.
BTW – Wordpress = not my friend. Could not figure out how to embed that damn video. Annoyed already.

Gerald the Great February 24, 2011 at 11:51 am

you are amazing!

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Gerald the Great!? hahaha. thanks.

Erin February 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I just lost it…thank you for the fabulous escape from an otherwise mundane day. Happy Holidays! Now time to find the nearest gas station…

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I think I saw you at the Shell. Were you the naked chick getting arrested?

Lex February 24, 2011 at 3:09 pm

You kill me. This might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Ok, it is definitely the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
But, I don’t get it. Don’t we wear perfume to attract the opposite sex? Soo…. men using vulvaroma… ?? Or is it something you more or less huff?
The fact that a gay man said it smelled like Christmas pretty much made my life.

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Oh, psssht. Lots of other funny things out there. Like…. your face. Just kidding. I haven’t even met your face yet. One day!
You must visit the website to see the instructions. I do know them by heart, but I shan’t tell.

Mark February 24, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Interesting read. Well, I guess since this is tangential to why I don’t think about getting laid anymore… I am going to ramble along for a bit!

Being effeminately awkward in spite of the machoness of my atheltic pursuits, I did not have many chances to find out what the aroma of teenage girls were… but it was also a time where black men were legendarily notorious for not perfoming muff dives from the cliffs of love… and I saw that as a hook… because when I finally got a chance to get at someone and flailed about for several minutes, figured that I had to come up with something. She was experienced and had assumed the same of me. I thought that I had doomed myself from getting a call back, so when I did, I took something with me. My diving goggles.

The logic was inscrutable. If I did not want to confirm that I did not know what I was doing, I would go where no teenage brother had gone before, if the stories about black men were correct, as I assumed that my partner had no idea of what constituted a good ‘whatever I was trying to do’.

I was right. And not only that, it was not bad at all! It allowed me to please someone without their having to focus on pleasing me. And it was real cool to be able to make a girl feel something that I could not (and still have trouble identifying now) find for myself.

As that young man I also saw the hypocrisy in comparing the odor of a woman’s sex to fish (which is my favorite dish, but w/o no money is still a wish) when I did not have to go to a locker room to know what boys/men smelled like… I was doing my own laundry!! I KNEW what I smelled like and I did not think I sweated any differently than anyone else. So I could not in conscience ask a partner to do something that I was not willing to do for them.

Getting back to the aroma… because I was willing to discover what a female smelled like down there, I have never had a problem with whether or not ‘it smelled’. Grew up in a house of women… been putting my face in it since the age of consent… if I really COULD catch a scent with which I was unfamiliar with wafting from ‘down there’, then ‘Houston, Herman Keefer Hospital, we have a problem!’

I have went down on ‘right out the oven’ coochie, you know, fresh out of the bath or shower… as well as ‘I took you to dinner and a movie’ coochie… and I did not make a fool of myself when Angelina Jolie was on screen’ coochie, ‘purposely fragranted and fancy wrapped’ coochie, where you run off to a hotel for a weekend get-a-way….

But my favorite is the ‘marinated, crock-pot after a long day of work’ coochie… sitting down watching ‘Law and Order: SVU’ and the viagra moment strikes (jus’ using it as a plot device… don’t need to use viagra) and before you know it…

Whoever I am dating has to be told that they would have to overcome that insecurity. I mean I know women have given out blow jobs without recieving hazmat pay and trust me, I am a guy, I KNOW that they deserve to!

As for my rambling here… the whole thing reminded me of an episode where a lassie was reluctant to let me go down on her and I did it anyway. Afterwords I explained to her that I don’t have any doubt that she has sucked on some less than pleasantly stored pickles in her life time… and since this is something that I wanted to do, then why would she deny my pleasure in pleasing her..?

So I have not only never been caught up in the ‘smells like fish’ myth (and trust me, it does not smell like bass as much as it smells like a–!). Anywho… don’t tell your Mother I shared this… hmm, maybe you… aw, nevermind!!

The Incredible Woody February 24, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Mark! You are a prize!!

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Agreed! You are a prize! ‘Crock-pot after a long day of work coochie!’ Priceless. I think there’s some law of nature AGAINST arousal during Law & Order though. Might want to look into that!

I appreciate your enthusiasm for “putting your face in it.” And you in general! Made my day, this one!

alonewithcats February 24, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Well, how much should I overshare on your blog today? Let’s think.

So, I’m a gay girl, right? I’ve been around the vagina block. As much as a socially awkward, misanthropic hermit can. But I never, NEVER eat fish. Gross. If it comes from the sea, it’s not for me. So, using that logic alone, I can tell you …

Jessica eats vaginas. Jessica doesn’t eat fish. Therefore, vaginas don’t smell or taste like fish.

Just as you suspected. But now you have science to back it up.

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm

“Jessica eats vaginas.” Not something you read every day on here. Today could be my favorite day. In the name of Jessica Science!

Madge Woods February 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I think this was classic and the responses even more so. I am 62 so have had a lot of experience with men and I think balls smell worse than any vagina could I imagine before a workout of after. I am still laughing Laurenne. I am sharing this blog entry,

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Madge! ha! I’m glad someone with lots of experience has backed me up on the balls thing! I KNEW it. One time I dated a wrestler. Worst ball sweat ever. Anyway, that’s enough sharing for today!

carrie February 24, 2011 at 11:13 pm

loin divider? omg i’m roaring!!

laurenne February 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I mean, it divides the loins, right? ha! I love inventing euphemisms. So fun.

Stacey February 25, 2011 at 1:11 am

Since when did it become ok to become a panty sniffer?! Is nothing taboo anymore?

laurenne February 25, 2011 at 10:00 am

No! Nothing! At least that’s how I want life to be. Then everyone feels normal.

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I think Fahrah Motor likes the No Way Hosni joke as much as me.

laurenne February 25, 2011 at 9:59 am

haha! Yes, that’s exactly what he meant I’m sure.

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You know, I once had 14 orgasms in one night. I can give you a referral perhaps and get you caught up.

Stirling Gardner February 26, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Mmmmmmmm…. plump fish.

Meaghan February 28, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I stopped worrying about the scent of my womanhood at about the same time I started to worry about the, um… trim. Can anyone come out with a book, or blog or SOMETHING that tells us what most men prefer when it comes to the hair down there? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE THE FIRST TIME!

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