You know when someone dies and there’s that weird transitional period where you’re not quite comfortable using the past tense to describe that person? That’s where I am right now.
Fuck.
I don’t want to say he WAS an amazing person. That’s what you say about people who weren’t amazing.
But this guy is. Was. And his surprise death helped me figure out why we fear dying so much. I think it’s because love is real and it’s the best thing we have. And it fucking hurts when it’s gone. Suddenly. One moment: love. Another moment: half of love.
That’s why we fear death.
That’s why I already miss my friend, Mike DeStefano.
I met him two years ago.
I was stuffed in some office cubicle at some horrible advertising job. His story came on the Moth podcast. This very one:
You should make the time to listen to it because his writing is so honest and real and you’ll cry. Big, fat, lovable tears. If you don’t listen to his story, I’ll tell you the scoop: He and his wife did a lot of heroin years ago. So much so that they got HIV. She got sick. And he devoted his life to taking care of her. But she died and then his dad died and then he wanted to die. And, man, I’m not doing his story justice. Just fucking watch it. He was ready to commit suicide when he ran into this Tibetan monk who taught him meditation. And he turned to telling jokes and getting his story out, and he was probably the original Taboo Taler.
And there I was in that cubicle trying to write some shitty ads for some shitty bank and instead I just sat there stunned and firing off tears. And so I emailed him. I told him he was inspiring. And that I was happy he didn’t commit suicide because the world needed people like him to tell stories like his. And he emailed me right back.
And we talked a lot. And he told me I needed to tell my stories too. And he read this blog. And he supported me. And he tried to connect me to all the right people. And he told me that I wasn’t cut out for a cubicle job. And that meant the world to me. And I felt like he could see me. I felt like I had someone in my corner.
Mike was the only person who could call you a cunty whore without being offensive. He’s the only person who I didn’t make fun of for NEVER using the correct ‘your’ or ‘there.’ Seriously, he could not get that shit right. But I totally fucking accepted him. And he accepted me. And we were just two fucked up people sitting across from each other at dinner and that’s how we liked it. Sometimes there’s nothing better than being with someone else who is just as fucked as you are. I just felt calm with him. I felt safe. He was my lama, and he took all the pain away and made me feel normal and loved. And I asked myself if I could marry someone with HIV. That bastard seriously made me contemplate some deep shit.
Everyone who ever met Mike probably shed some tears today. He made us all feel like he woke up in the morning just for us. He’s not crying. But here we are eating pizza in bed and feeling sad for ourselves because we won’t get to see him again. Grieving seems so selfish to me sometimes.
In this case, I think grieving is more than that. So much of me is devastated that his message didn’t get to more people, that more people didn’t have the privilege of learning from him. But I think it got to enough. I think he figured out how to really make his life mean something. He didn’t have to. He could have gotten depressed and overdosed or gone crazy from all the pain he witnessed. But he chose not to. He chose to help people instead.
If you haven’t already, learn something from his story. Listen to his jokes. Buy his CD from iTunes. Here are some of my favorite DeStefano quotes:
“I went into a Chinese restaurant. They had a suggestion box so I wrote: FREE TIBET.”
“I take something that I find interesting. And it’s usually something that’s painful, that people find revolting, that has hurt me personally or I see hurting other people. And I’ll go up [on stage] and I’ll just bring it up. And it’s such a thrill to find the funny in it.”
See why he was my mentor?
On National Pride:
“It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you came to be, sir? Your parents fucked. That’s how it happened. There’s nothing to be proud of. For any of us. Your parents had sex. And your dad wanted a blow job that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blow job that got out of hand.”
“People think I’m dark. I think you’re too light. That’s the fucking problem. Too much fake fucking optimism. Fake fucking positive thoughts. Positive affirmations. Fuck you. You’re so full of shit, man. I just want people to know that I know. Fuck you.”
“People who are scared of commitment. They’re good people. That means they know what commitment is.”
On his censoring on NBC:
“It’s not NBC’s fault. It’s the American people, all these litigious people… All you people that want to sue all the time because your feelings got hurt. You fucking weak, pathetic, fucks. I’m gonna write a letter. It’s all white people too.”
“I love people who are aware of how fucked up life is.”
“I start from suffering and darkness because that’s what needs to be made light of.”
“If a comic starts off a joke with ‘Isn’t it funny when…,’ they’ve already lost me. If it’s already funny, what the fuck do I need you for?”
Mikey D… A fucking heart attack? Really? You survived HIV and heroin and that’s how you go? You’re a fucking pussy.
You know what else, you fucking whore? Thanks for living as long as you did, long enough to touch so many lives with so much of the positivity you pretended not to have. I fucking love you. And I still do and there’s no way I’m switching to past tense on that one.
*The F word and all its variations in this post sponsored by Mike DeStefano.
{ 101 comments… read them below or add one }
I checked out your blog this morning cuz I just KNEW you’d get your feelings out there. Smart, is what you are. Sorry about your friend.
Thanks, mambert. Writing sure helps a lot. I recommend it to everyone. I sure wish there were more blogs in the world. 100,000 isn’t enough.
I am so glad that this man entered your life. Everyone needs someone to feel safe with, someone that gets them, and most importantly, someone that can call you a cunty whore without being offensive. I am completely serious on that! And I am very sorry for your (and the rest of the world’s) loss.
Thanks, you cunty woody whore!
WOW Laurenne. It is so wonderful to have someone like Mike in your corner.
Thanks, Madge! Nice to have you in my corner too.
I’m really sorry for your lost. He sounds fantastic.
Thanks, Linda. I appreciate your comment.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you lost your incredible friend. But let me rephrase that. He left this planet, but you definitely didn’t lose him. You are right on the pulse of who he IS. You keep him alive through your stories and your spirit. Now you’ve shared him with me, and so many others, and now he is a part of all our consciousness and life experience.
Oh, and you still have someone in your corner.
Love you.
Thanks Hollye! Means so much. I love your energy over here and your positivity. Mike would hate you. ha! Nah… he’d just pretend to hate you.
I saw Mike DeStefano at a show last year. I wish I knew he was your friend. I would have yelled out something Laurenne related. It would have been awkward. My specialty.
Love youse!
Really? In LA? I was probably there. weird.
I almost didn’t leave a comment on this one, Laurenne. And then I stopped myself just as I was about to click away to another blog and thought, “why would I not leave a comment??? I *always* leave a comment! I’m like a commenting fucking machine. Especially on this particular blog partly because there is always something to respond to and partly because I really fucking like Laurenne.”
And I realized I wasn’t going to comment because it is about death. Not the hypothetical death your last post was about. But real death. That just happened. And death is so uncomfortable and I never know what to say. And you’re supposed to say “I’m so sorry for your loss,” but then EVERYONE else says, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” So I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t know what else I could possibly say.
And I still don’t. Because there is never any words to make death go away. If there was I would say them. But there’s not. And that’s why death makes people uncomfortable. Because there’s no solution to it.
Death affects people in different ways. Not just the finality of it. This, for instance, triggers something in me because he was young and died of a heart attack. It reflects my own fear of dying young because my father died of a heart attack when he was fairly young and for the longest time I accepted that as my fate.
The loss of someone is a lot. You’ll never experience anything with them again. They’re gone. It sucks. What can you say besides cliches?
I don’t know if I’m making any sense because I’m sick and dizzy. Over and out.
Thanks a lot for checking in, Brooke. I appreciate it. You are a comment machine. It really doesn’t matter what you say, I’m glad you said it. Love you guys.
I wish I would’ve ran into a Tibetan monk.
I had to learn meditation from YouTube.
Cool guy.
I’m so sorry, Laurenne. But so glad you shared this. The world isn’t full of enough brave people who are willing to tell it like it is. We all need reminders to live a little bit more and see things for what they really are. Thanks.
I swear I know this guy, but I have no idea how. Has he been on tv?
Anyway, he seems cool. RIP.
I knew Mikee forever and Frannie also
What ya wrote made me feel better
Fuck you
sharon
What a sweet, bfeatiuul, and touching post! I’m sending it on to my two twentysomething daughters. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this Laurenne. Thank you for sharing what you have (present tense) with him, and for sharing what it means to really love, really help, really be a person of increase…which is what he IS, and what you ARE! What a gift that you two could share your fucked-up ness and most importantly find the humor in it – after all, life is a series of stories, and laughing WITH life is the biggest gift of all. I am in your corner, and I’m just as fucked up as you, and I don’t laugh more than anyone else on the planet. Thank you for that. Hugs from the love bug.
Hey Laurenne, I know that I only got to spend a couple of magical days with you in Laos (I was the balding English guy with the girlfriend from New York – Jo), but I’ve read your blog ever since and reading your blog today just shows what a special person you are. I love the way you wear your heart so damn proudly on your sleeve. And I’m gonna watch that video clip and think of you. x
I really don’t know what to say… which is not that I don’t have something to say. More likely what I would say is really raw and unformed that it may not make much sense.
This was the first time I recall seeing Mike. I can see why he was chosen for ‘The Moth’. This was as real as it gets. But I do have a quibble with his position on people who are optimistic.
As a kid who never fit in, light-skinned, smallish, and with a teaspoon of sugar in the heels of his shoes, it was not easy growing up. Been chased home more times than I care to have counted and called names that would have made Richard Pryor say, “Damn, that was some eff’d up stuff to call a brother”, (I don’t curse often, so bear with me) to have a family who did as much harm than good to a brother as he struggled with finding his niche, I have to say that it takes a lot more to flat out be a positive cat than it does to be a cynical one. It is kind of like what Kermit said in his lament, that, “It’s not easy being green.” It is easy to pick on and assault the Flanders of the world. And yes there are a lot of fake smiley faces who are as caculating and sinister as they come.
But I want to think that Mike was not as cynical as all that. I think that somewhere inside he had a small ray of sunshine amid all the blackness and that it took away the darkness. How else could he have the kind of heart to not only have lived this story but to share it, knowing that it was therapy masked as entertainment? That it was not only good for him but that it would benefit whoever heard it?
I am glad that you knew him and I am GRATEFUL that you posted this… I needed to hear this and read your word TODAY. Be well.
L&R
Mark
Laurenne, thank you for sharing this amazing man with us. When someone like this leaves us it’s hard to grasp or find reason for why they had to go. It sounds like he made such an impression on you that you will be able to carry him with you, and that makes me glad. It’s such a gift to be able to carry a part of someone this amazing inside of you.
I’m sure that he’s the raddest unicorn amongst the others, because seriously, how could he not be?
Laurenne,
Your best post. Be proud of it. You can rest assured Mike is. I am too.
Roy.
When you’re ready for someone in your life to call you a “cunty whore” again, I’ll be there for you. Like the “Friends” theme song.
I’m sorry for your loss. He’s blessed to have you continuing to spread his genius. Love love love the quote about commitment. So true.
Not half of love, by the way. It doesn’t disappear, it just changes form. Gong.
so sorry this is causing you so much anguish, but somehow it serves a purpose. and you are the only one who can figure out that purpose, i think.
this is a beautiful piece! keep on, keeping on and eat pizza from time to time… it’s ok.
oh and all the grammatical errors are for you
That was My Brother Michael to a Tee. Me and my family are so very proud of where he came from and where he went. I knew mikey had so much to offer and I am so amazed at where he went. I laughed for the first time since March 6 2011. The day my life changed forever. He may not have had the most money in the bank when he died he had something way more important to measure his life by. He had thousands and thousands of people who really LOVED him. He was succesful beyond my wildest dreams. REST IN PEACE MY BROTHER. And thank you to everyone who Loves him. You are a testament to how great Mikey is. Thank You so much
Joe D
“People who are scared of commitment. They’re good people. That means they know what commitment is.”
I needed to meet this guy, Laurenne. He read my mail and is apparently the only one who understood what the hell it says.
xo,
C
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