My friend, Madge, is 62. After her dining room table lasted her twenty years, she bought a new one.
“It’s so weird to think this could be my last dining room table,” she said.
Holy shit!
I mean, Holy shit.
I’ve heard that we are all going to die. I know people die. I saw my grandmother in her casket when I was eight (and poked her body because my cousin dared me to). Plus, my dad never calls me anymore, so I’m pretty sure he’s dead (although, I still slightly suspect he faked his death to move away to his secret family in Idaho– road trip to Idaho pending).
I get it. People die. Everybody dies.
I’ve even contemplated my own death. I like to ask myself about my own death pretty often. I’ll say, “Hey, Laurenne, would you be okay with dying today?” Or sometimes my own demise is forced upon me when I’m just walking in a really bad neighborhood (which I do pretty often because I like to live on the edge). I’ll say, “A bullet could go through your brain any minute now. Are you ready?”
And usually it’s a yes. Usually, I think about all the times I’ve laughed in my life and all the people I love, and I say, “Yes, I think if I HAD to be okay with dying today, I’d be okay.” When I landed in Papua New Guinea and the guy in line behind me in customs told me he was 100% positive that I would be raped and maimed if I stepped into the street, I did it anyway because I had prepared myself mentally for my own death. And because I’m fucking crazy sometimes. And because I was in Papua New Guinea! Totally cool with dying after that.
But mentally prepared for dying is one thing. Actually preparing for dying makes me want to crawl in a hole and avoid avoid avoid. Actually buying the last dining room set ever in your WHOLE LIFE…? I don’t like it and I don’t like that I don’t like it. Some cultures celebrate death. In Bali, they party when someone dies. The human is able to pass onto the next life, which has the possibility to be so much better. So why not celebrate? And in India, death is not so scary. If you’re a devout Hindu and you die by the Ganges, no biggie. But, in this society, death is looked upon as such a horrible ending. We escape conversations about death and whisper about the poor souls with cancer and then soak up boxes of tissues when they finally disappear.
When we know death is close, we do everything we can to keep it away. We’ll undergo any operation necessary to hold on just days longer to our precious lives. Yet, we can’t stop ourselves from eating Big Macs and shooting up schools.
Most people in this country believe in heaven, yet still we still hold on so tightly to life. Why is everyone so scared to go bowling with their great uncles in the sky? Either we’re all aware that we wouldn’t be dressed well enough to get passed the heavenly doormen, or there’s a little part of us that thinks heaven sure sounds like something we just made up to make us feel better about dying. We have no proof and no idea about what death could be. Really, dying is like walking into a dark room. What if we turn on the lights and it’s better than expected?
I may tell myself I’m okay with dying sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m finished. I want to see more of the world and make more of a difference and love even more people and laugh a million more times. And to me, death takes that away. But maybe it doesn’t?
I would like to salute my friend and her dining set for addressing death as the inevitable mystery that it is. It’s just some thing that happens. Perhaps not a horrible thing. We’re all going to die. And we don’t even know what that means.
Possible things that happen when we die:
1. Our souls travel to a Universal hub. We have to take turns coming back to Earth to learn lessons. But we all think Earth is so boring and petty, so we have to Rock, Paper, Scissors for it.
2. We find out that all the mythical creatures actually exist in another realm. In this other realm, I am a chupacabra and you are a unicorn.
3. We find out we’ve been in the matrix. Laurence Fishburne is there and then we all wear black coats and then there’s an oracle and then some more stuff happens but I don’t remember cuz that movie was a long time ago.
4. We all become shape-shifting ghosts and we meet up once a day to watch all the human teenagers masturbate. Because we think it’s funny.
5. We find there really is a heaven and hell. And that we’ve actually been in hell this whole time.
6. Nothing at all happens. We just die. But there’s a perfect few seconds right before we realize there’s nothing when we’re able to regret ever wearing MC Hammer pants.
Anybody else have a good theory?
{ 92 comments… read them below or add one }
I think about this all of the time, but I don’t think I’d be ok with dying. Not yet. I haven’t really loved anyone yet outside of my family, so I think I’d like to do that before I die. Whoa. That just got heavy.
I still think you and I are the same person!
Ooooh. That’s deep. And we ARE the same person.
We (society, not you and I…) don’t spend enough time thinking about death. If we did we’d probably spend our lives doing more substantial things (not sure what those things are yet, though) and less time washing dishes or sitting in traffic. I’m not saying that we should get all Alvy Singer and own libraries of books about death, but maybe just a little bit more attention to the inevitability of it all.
I’m scared that right when you die you have to sit in a waiting room with a number and wait for your turn to be processed. Like the DMV. Shudder.
Like in Beetlejuice! And then somebody shrinks your head if you’re really annoying.
Let’s do more substantial things. Like… write more blog posts and be more and more self-involved? I’m on it!
I still have no idea what a chupacabra is. That’s not that sugar stick they sell in Mexico is it? I don’t know, I’m not cultured. Every time I fly I have the same discussion with myself. Am I ok with dying on this plane right now. The last time it was yes. I felt good. Then I didn’t die, so maybe I hyped myself up for nothing.
Also, I don’t know my great uncles so how does everyone find each other up there? Is there a white pages or something? It seems like they would need a lot of bowling alleys too because there are more dead people in the world than alive people. Do I have to make a reservation?
there was an x-files episode about the chupacabra!!!!
PROPS. I love X-Files references.
Yes, in order to get in a bowling game with all your uncles (which is what makes the sound of lightning, according to my mom), you must sign up days in advance. And then they all just show up in their bowling shoes and that’s how you meet them all.
I actually don’t know what is a chupacabra either. I just like to say the word. Chupacabra. Chupacabra. It means goat sucker en espanol.
Good post!
Speaking of death planning, my mom told me she’s going in to write up a will soon. Then we got into an argument about me not moving back to NYC. Then she said she’s putting something in her will that if I don’t get married and have kids that if I die my share of whatever goes to my nieces.
So she’s planning my death too. Thanks mom!
I didn’t find out what happens if I don’t get married and have kids.
I think it’s sweet your mom’s planning your death. Always looking out. That’s a fine mother you got. However, I think you should tell her that your earnings wouldn’t go to the nieces because you’ll have your own will that leaves everything to the Society of Single Non-Greek Sexual Swingers.
Your mind says game over.
A light comes on and you find yourself standing in a small, empty room with one door.
You walk to the door, open it and cautiously step through.
Your friend Joey jumps up to greet you as you step out of the virtual reality simulator.
“I told you it would be worth it!” Joey exclaims.
“That was fucking insane! You totally forget you’re in a game,” you say while blinking through your bewilderment.
“It’s pretty sick,” says Joey, “Well, let’s go get some pizza. I’m starving.”
You follow him through the arcade and out into the mall.
As you disappear into the crowd of people bustling through the mall, you think to yourself, “I wonder what they will think of next.”
Man, if life is really a video game, they need to come out with a 2.0 or something and do without the DMV, traffic, puking, and Nicolas Cage.
Also, I’m wondering if the Dalai Lama has the current high score.
Thanks Laurenne for the shout out to me about my new dining room table and chairs and your story. Some of my friends said I would get another table at 82 but I highly doubt it. I keep things that I like until they are way out of fashion. I don’t know why I accept death and have never worried about dying. But as I age and I think is this the last thing I will buy (big items only) I wonder more and more about it in the concrete and not abstract. I know my TV’s will be replaced because my old flat screens lasted exactly 4 years and my fuel efficient Prius (2005) will undoubtedly not be my last car but somehow that new dining table and chairs had me thinking. My kids are grown and self sufficient and would be okay without me but surely miss me in their lives (or maybe not on a bad mother day). I have death with death of friends as a realist and I can handle grieving and I can even walk someone through the dying process. It has never bothered me and by being this way I have been able to be very present and enjoy each day and contribute to society and help those less fortunate. Taking Paxil helps.
But am I ready-not!!!! I have too much traveling to do and I would love to watch my grand kids grow into adulthood. That might have been more possible if my kids starting having kids much earlier. But I am glad they waited. So I must wait as well.
Love your writing and again I am so happy I inspired you.
Hopefully you’ll have many more dining tables in your life, Madge. But I like how you’re prepared not to. Mighty brave of you. Glad to hear that Paxil helps too! I gotta get me some.
Thanks for the inspiration!
while i’m not ready to go, i’m okay with dying: heaven.
have you seen biutiful? go see it if not. i went last night and sat in silence all night and for most of today just thinking about this very subject.
a couple weeks ago i had a dream i was in the tub and the plugged in blowdryer fell in. even though i knew i shouldn’t touch it, and was mentally screaming at myself not to, i did. and i felt the zzzzzztt and waited for pain, but was surprised not to feel any. then i was screaming for the bf to come get me, but not wanting him to b/c he’d bite it. i could feel my energy slowly waning as i tried to toss my limpening body out of the tub onto the tiles. no dice. all i could think of was: i can’t believe i’m going to die in the tub. i did nothing with my life. i don’t want to slip beneath the water.
how’s that for some heavy shit?
Dude. heavy shit. I’m glad you saved your boyfriend. That’s pretty sweet.
I’m dying to see Biutiful but I don’t think it’s safe to be around Javier since that restraining order.
Glad you’re not dead yet because we’re gonna lose ten pounds and then meet.
“anD the plugged in blowdryer fell in”. what can i say? i type too fast.
and one last thing. i thought i was the only person left who used chupacabra. i try to use it once daily.
I googled “chupacabra” to see what it looks like. Reminds me of the Princess Bride Rodents of Unusual Size. I will stick with my capybara. Much friendlier.
I used to have anxiety over death, and I still constantly think about it (same thing, crossing the street, walking through dark alley ways at night), but I’m not disturbed by it anymore.
What’s after? I sincerely hope that I can spend my after-life people watching. Because seriously, how amazing would that be?! Oh, and I’d like to scare people too.
So you’re in the ‘spying on teenagers masturbating’ camp? I will see you there, my friend.
And what is a capybara? Some weird Canadian thing that I should google but won’t??
I am SO in that camp. And a capybara is a ginormous gerbil. I don’t know where they live…. Australia maybe? But they look friendly.
Not to be too serious, but Deepak Chopra just tweeted this which I fully agree with. “Awareness of our mortality makes every moment precious so the purpose of life can become the expansion of happiness.”
It reminds me of my favorite part in Troy (yes it wasn’t that great of a film, but this part really resonated with me.) Achilles says “I’ll tell you a secret. Something they don’t teach you in your temple. The Gods envy US. They envy us because we’re mortal. Because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.” LOVE that.
To get back on the humor side I’ll quote some other epics:
“What we do in life echoes in eternity” -Gladiator
“Every man dies, but not ever man really lives.” -Braveheart
“Winning” -Charlie Sheen
Yup, I’m a nerd
I usually HATE when people start sentences with ‘Not to be too serious, but…”
But thems were some great quotes. Even though they were from epic movies I’ve never seen.
Winning.
Love your reply.
There’s this book, Glass Soup, about what happens when one dies and what they do is they go into a world created by their dreams. So every place they’ve ever dreamed about or anything they created in their dreams are in their afterlife. It’s by Jonathan Carroll, he is one of my favorites.
Wait I can word this even more awkwardly, just give me some time.
That sounds like an interesting book, but it’s really just another form of heaven which is supposed to make us feel better about death…
I added it to my Amazon Book Wishlist though. Maybe I can get to it in like 2015. Doh.
Aw man, I don’t think I’ve ever had a really really good dream. Most of my dreams are disturbing. That means I’m going to spend eternity wearing a blue robe and ducks on my head. And live in the stomach of a pink dolphin in the Amazon. Great.
Jimmy, there’s this thing called a library…
I hate to admit it, but I am terrified of dying. I’m terrified of seeing death coming, I guess. I don’t know. I just don’t want to die, isn’t that sad? I mean, since we are ALL going to do it, what’s the big deal? To me it’s a big deal. I always think stupid things like “What if i die in the shower and everyone sees me naked? What if I die and my mom finds my vibrators? What if I die and everyone reads my journals and knows what I REALLY thought of them!” and then I think all of the sad, SAD things, like “I don’t want to die, dammit, because I want to be here for my daughter for as long as she needs me, I don’t want to miss her life!”
It sucks. I wish I could accept death as a part of life and not fear it, but I’m not there yet.
You’re in luck because the majority of people do get to stick around for most of their kids’ lives. Don’t fret! You have plenty of time to get more comfortable with dying. You won’t be buying your last dining table for a while, my friend.
Hmmm. I’m actually quite fine with my own death; it’s other people’s deaths that I’m not down with.
My theory is that you travel in a pack of souls and when you die, you either wait for them to finish their human lives or if you’re the last, you go right back into another dimension together. And for that split second you’re all together at the end and beginning, it feels like stepping into the hottest, most comforting shower that washes away the earthly coldness from the life before.
Thought provoking as always, Ms. Sala!
I like the comfortable shower thing. But this pack thing… we just keep going and going again and again or is there a point where we can stop? I’m feeling like I might need a break soon.
I met the chupacabra when I started teaching in a school with a 90% Mexican student body. They told me all about it and drew pictures and we argued about its existence. We googled it. It’s kind of the Mexican boogie man, the thing their mothers scared them with when they were little. If only I’d know about it sooner…
Not afraid of death, but not looking forward to experiencing many months of cancer pain, treatment, etc. So many go this way. It’s the treatment that’s awful, not the actual death. THAT’s the good part.
I’m already a unicorn. So it must be one of the other five.
s
I want to be the Chupacabra instead of the unicorn. Kinda feel like I’m getting the shaft on this one.
I stumbled across your blog last April or May. To this day I frequent it at least a few times a month.
Your writing is fantastic. Your posts are hilarious. I’ve been inspired.
I am a fan from Toronto, Canada, and you are funny. And Canadians know a little something about funny, just saying.
Keep it up!
P.S. I like the new look.
I’m going to start buying dining room tables all the time. I mean, if I’m gonna die soon, why not live a little, you know? You can’t take your money with you. Unless you totally can. In which case I’d really regret blowing it all on tables. Unless a table is considered currency in the afterlife. Or regret doesn’t exist in the afterlife. If there is an afterlife. An afterlife that you may or may not be able to bring money and tables to. Complicated.
That must have been one hell of a table to invoke such complicated thought.
I’m never going to die, at least I think I won’t.
Enjoyed your blog, will read more.
Donald
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