After waiting thirty minutes in the lobby of the Marina del Rey Ritz Carlton, I called God’s cell phone. He had let his spa massage go too long and was rushing to meet me. As he settled in across from me on the crisp leather loveseat, I made note of a tiny hole in the shoulder of his white robe and a few knots in his towel-dried hair that already curled around his shoulders. His skin was tan leather, almost George Hamilton-like but quite that orange. He shot out some emails while he apologized, keeping his Blackberry poised on the table. “Just in case,” he said, mumbling something about the Middle East.
Humans are Funny: Thanks for giving me this exclusive interview. I know you’re really busy.
GOD: Don’t mention it. I’ve been reading Humans are Funny for a long time, so I’m more than happy. Plus, I feel bad about your excessive body hair. Was snoozing that day or something.
HaF: There are several theories about the end of the world, and I wanted to get your take firsthand. I’ve heard things about the rapture, the Mayan calendar, May 21st. Do any of these hold any truth?
He picks up his Blackberry while we we’re talking.
GOD: I’m sorry, what was that? Had to give some orders. Japan’s getting another earthquake. Small one. Figured might as well, right? Everything’s already destroyed.
God lets out a chuckle and scratches behind his head.
HF: Ok. Umm… I was asking about the end of the world. The Mayan Calendar?
GOD: Who are the Mayans again? Oh… Those short, dark people, right? I forgot. Man, that was a long time ago. They were always sacrificing each other for me. Can you believe it? I felt so bad.
HF: So, is their calendar correct? Are we all going to die on December 21, 2012?
GOD: What!? They’re saying that? What fuckers. I don’t think that’s true. Let me check my calendar.
Looks in his blackberry.
GOD: Nope.
HF: Oh, well how about May 21? Of this year?
GOD: Preposterous. You have to stop reading the tabloids. What’s next? A story about how I promise martyrs a harem of virgins after they die?
God explodes in a bellowing laughter, causing the fancy tea-sippers at the next few tables to turn and give us the eye. He notices.
GOD: Just killed their firstborns.
He senses my disturbance.
GOD: Kidding.
HF: Can you tell me a little bit about Global Warming? Or climate change? Or whatever it is that’s changing the world and causing so many upsetting natural disasters lately?
GOD: Why are you guys so worried about everything? Seriously. Relax. This is life. Enjoy it. Eat. Have sex. Quit yer yapping.
HF: So that’s the message? Quit yer yapping?
GOD: Ugh. I’m so sick of everyone thinking I’m going to say something profound. You know what? Filicumpup.
HF: Filicumpup?
GOD: I don’t know. Just roll with it.
He checks his Blackberry and chuckles.
HF: Sir, What do you think about all the suicide bombings performed in your name?
GOD: Suicide! Ha! Sure makes my job easier.
HF: Okay. So… is the world going to end soon? That’s really all we want to know.
GOD: I don’t see it in the calendar. I’ll have to see what Barb had planned. She does my schedule, bless her soul.
HF: What does it mean when you say ‘bless her soul?’
GOD: I’ve really got to go. Meeting Mary for coffee.
HF: The virgin?
GOD: Pfft.
God stands to leave, his robe opening slightly to give me a peak of the magic hidden below (about which I don’t feel I should share… but I did see it and don’t think I’ll ever be the same again).
HF: Ok, so I’m going to spread the word that the world is not going to end on May 21st or December of 2012.
GOD: Great.
HF: Before you go, can you please answer a few more questions… Which religion is right? Why do some babies die? Is karma for real? What should I do with my life? How did Jesus do that fish thing? Why the appendix? Who killed JFK? Why adult acne? What if you were a stranger on the bus? How much do you really know about all of us? What’s in the Amazon? Why Antarctica? Cancer? Do our dead relatives watch us masturbate? Are we all just a little bit gay? Aliens? Reincarnation? Why quicksand, cockroaches, body odor, Tom Arnold, boogers? Why can’t we all just get along? What does it all mean?
Before I can continue, God’s bellowing laughter encompasses the entire lobby of the Ritz. Just like in Star Trek, his body fades away, leaving only a trail of swirling dust. Before I can thank him for pre-slicing our oranges or for flowers or for the smell of fresh cut grass, he’s gone. I speak anyway.
HF: Thanks for carrying me.
God’s voice looms.
GOD: What are you talking about?
HF: The footprints poem? You carried me. Right? You were there in hard times?
More bellowing laughter. And dirty stares from the Ritz patrons.
{ 10 comments }
God is a Douchebag. Of the first variety. Why is that that he places such a premium on those who “believe” in him? Believing in something is one of our (humans) minor attributes at best. People believe in astrology. People believe in avoiding black cats. People believe used car salesmen. I would think and hope God would reward folks with higher brain functions, like critical thinking. Or people who are good at Calculus. And what if (because we can’t know God’s motives) he has a special place in his heart for people who Fart well. Blessed be the flatulent. That’s what I’m talking about. I’ll have the white robe in XXL, the 72 virgins and the NFL Package. Thank you Lord.
When you say you met with God, I am of course assuming Zeus? I’ve heard he’s the toughest one of all of them, so I like him the most. Great interview, and like a typical celeb, he dodged your tough questions.
test. test.
Next time,put in a word about getting my house sold. I’d like to be in Arizona by the time the Mayan thingie happens.
Mayan thingie. That’s my new favorite phrase.
Karma is not real. I know this because my ex-husbands life is not shitty enough to demonstrate the existence of karma.
It’s true. God would have so much bellowing laughter. I feel like this gives us a good insight into him. I’m just imagining him and Ganesh having a good old time smoking a doobie next to Allah’s house.
Shocking that God would have a Blackberry. Definitely seems like an iPhone guy since he’s keeping Steve Jobs alive and all. He must have stock options in Blackberry so he’s trying to increase the price. Gotta promote that brand when you’re the world’s power.
The Footprints poem! HA!
“This is life. Enjoy it. Eat. Have sex.”
Per God, I am living only 50 percent correctly. DAMN IT.
I thought God would be an iPhone man…
Thanks for asking the tough questions, Sala!
Love it. That’s how i would imagine a God to respond.. everyone gives him to much credit and more claim that he has much more power than possible. Let’s be honest if he was all powerful and mighty he’d be using us as slaves for some shit, or rebuilding our world. Even god has to be selfish if he was once walking among the commoners. Not one being can tell you what will happen tomorrow, when the world will end, or what happened a billion years ago. Who knows what kind of drugs people were on while writing the bible, no one which is why religion will always be faith and not fact. To follow a religion at this point, to me, is to be a follower. Until God gets off his ass and has a personal interview with me i will have a hard time believing in his great power. To ponder what was is much more rewarding. If there is a god, why would he be any different than the commoners. I do believe he would want us to live our lives; eat good food, travel and have sex if you please. The only one your answering to is yourself. Live life to the fullest and cease the day. Bring your mind back to that special place where everything was just right. Don’t worry about the uncontrollable fate of the world and our lives. LET IT BE!
peace.love.music <3