May 4, 2011

My love purse is a penny pincher

Some people in Venice who see me often may not believe I shower every day. But I do. And today I was sudsing up when, clink, a penny fell out of nowhere. It dropped like soap onto my shower floor.

This freaked me out. It’s not like there are shelves overhead where I keep my wallet or bowls of coins. It’s a shower.
Then I remembered what I’d read the other day. I haven’t told anyone this yet, but I have some severe brain swelling, encephalitis, and the mumps. According to WebMD. And when I added some abdominal cramping to my list of symptoms on that site, the internet doctor also diagnosed me as possibly having foreign objects in my vagina.

Yes, WebMD actually hypothesized that I unknowingly had foreign objects in my vagina.

I used this as a joke in my stand-up routine on Sunday. I said that I usually know when there’s a foreign object in my vagina. Except that one time I found forty-eight cents and a Tonka truck. People laughed. It was a jolly good time.

But that was a joke. I was jesting.

And today this penny came raining down out of nowhere. Or out of somewhere?
Was it my vagina’s way of telling me that maybe I do have forty-eight cents up there and I should get that checked out? I have to admit, I would have preferred fifty cents in the form of two quarters so I could do one-third load of laundry, but I’ll take whatever coins I can get. I like coins. I especially like coin purses– the ones you squeeze on the sides and they open like a mouth OR VAGINA! Holy shit. My vagina is a coin purse (or meat wallet, if you will). I did a quick shower jig, but no other coins fell. One fucking cent? Is my love purse a penny pincher?

I stayed in the shower for quite some time shaving my legs (It’s May– time for the semi-annual leg shave.) and pondering my frugal finger hut.  As I ran the razor above my ankle, I noticed a small circle. It looked just like ringworm. I know because I had ringworm once in junior high. I got it because I was on the wrestling team and must have started watching 90210 when I got home from practice instead of immediately showering off the dirty mat juices. I ran through all the places where I could have contracted ringworm this time. I haven’t been wrestling. I haven’t been anywhere particularly seedy lately, although I did roll down a hill the other day.

I was scared to see what WebMD would have to say about my fungal infection and stingy collection of vaginal coins. But as I toweled off, I realized the raised skin circle was exactly the size of a penny.
I probably slept with a penny stuck to my leg all night. Abraham Lincoln somehow got into my sweatpants and suctioned himself to my leg.

This should have made me feel better. It didn’t. I feel even dirtier, ashamed that my cleaning standards would allow a random coin into my sweatpants! Gross. How did that happen? I think I liked it better when I had ringworm and a piggy bank pussy.


girluntitled May 5, 2011 at 1:43 pm


monica May 5, 2011 at 2:01 pm

oh my lord, girl. this is funny shit.

karina May 5, 2011 at 2:27 pm

hahahahaha oh man, i love this post…

laurenne May 5, 2011 at 5:01 pm

thanks… glad you guys are laughing. Didn’t you just read I’m seriously ill…!?

Rahul May 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Before I start. hahahahaahahahahaha (that’s what everyone else did. I’m striving for acceptance.)

Wait, Wait, Wait. Laundry for $1.50?!?! that is the holy grail. But yes back to your cheap vagina. Only 1 red cent. That’s pretty thrifty. I admire your vagina’s savings plan. Does it have an ING account or just a regular savings at Bank of America? Probably not accruing the right interest if it’s at a normal bank.

That Abraham Lincoln is a whore. At least he was honest about it I guess.

laurenne May 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Seriously, Abraham Lincoln is a whore. How dare he!? At least he could have invited me to a play or something first.

Madge Woods May 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Laurenne, this made my day after another spent in court with Hollye. You are so funny and clever and sweet. I am going to find you someone……………Love you Laurenne.

laurenne May 5, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Ha! Thanks, Madge. Just send any prospective date this entry, and I’m sure he’ll come sweep me off my feet.

seth May 5, 2011 at 4:58 pm

you have a funny vagina. (i’ve never said that to anyone before.)

laurenne May 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I’ve never heard that before, but I’ll take it. (I usually hear ‘luscious’ and ‘slippery’ but that is for another entry)

Brooke Farmer May 5, 2011 at 6:20 pm

You might be onto something here with the piggy bank pussy idea. No one would ever be able to pickpocket you without being noticed.

It would make airport security lines a little awkward though now that they do that whole body scan thingy. You’d probably have some explaining to do if you didn’t remove your cash from your special place.

You’d probably have some explaining to do if you did remove it too.

alonewithcats May 5, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Abe’s aim is a little off. Your leg? Seriously?

laurenne May 6, 2011 at 9:32 am

Seriously. What a prude. So old school.

Danielle May 5, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I feel like we just showered together. Stay off Web MD!

Vanessa May 6, 2011 at 8:30 am

jajajaja…I was just wondering what could possibly replace Oprah. Found it.

alexrose May 6, 2011 at 11:04 am


Adria May 6, 2011 at 6:06 pm

The Tonka Truck joke was seriously funny in person, too.

And, by the by, I have free laundry. Free. So…come east of the beach, and enjoy some guacamole and laundering services. Save your coins for your shower.

lisa May 6, 2011 at 7:15 pm

hahaha. so funny, friend. xoxo

laurenne May 10, 2011 at 11:53 pm


Jo and the Novelist May 8, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I understand your disappointment. Because y’know “A penny fell out of my faff this morning,” is a way better ice-breaker than “I must have slept with a penny stuck to my leg last night.”

You could always combine the two: “I must have slept with a penny last night, because it fell out of my faff this morning…”

laurenne May 10, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Faff!!!? I love your words! So much.

Stacey May 9, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Oh goodness, if I wasn’t broke as a joke I would buy this for you.

Caroline March 15, 2012 at 12:26 am

Watch out Sloane Crosley, there’s a new sheriff in town, and she is dirty. LOL.

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