Some people in Venice who see me often may not believe I shower every day. But I do. And today I was sudsing up when, clink, a penny fell out of nowhere. It dropped like soap onto my shower floor.
This freaked me out. It’s not like there are shelves overhead where I keep my wallet or bowls of coins. It’s a shower.
Then I remembered what I’d read the other day. I haven’t told anyone this yet, but I have some severe brain swelling, encephalitis, and the mumps. According to WebMD. And when I added some abdominal cramping to my list of symptoms on that site, the internet doctor also diagnosed me as possibly having foreign objects in my vagina.
Yes, WebMD actually hypothesized that I unknowingly had foreign objects in my vagina.
I used this as a joke in my stand-up routine on Sunday. I said that I usually know when there’s a foreign object in my vagina. Except that one time I found forty-eight cents and a Tonka truck. People laughed. It was a jolly good time.
But that was a joke. I was jesting.
And today this penny came raining down out of nowhere. Or out of somewhere?
Was it my vagina’s way of telling me that maybe I do have forty-eight cents up there and I should get that checked out? I have to admit, I would have preferred fifty cents in the form of two quarters so I could do one-third load of laundry, but I’ll take whatever coins I can get. I like coins. I especially like coin purses– the ones you squeeze on the sides and they open like a mouth OR VAGINA! Holy shit. My vagina is a coin purse (or meat wallet, if you will). I did a quick shower jig, but no other coins fell. One fucking cent? Is my love purse a penny pincher?
I stayed in the shower for quite some time shaving my legs (It’s May– time for the semi-annual leg shave.) and pondering my frugal finger hut. As I ran the razor above my ankle, I noticed a small circle. It looked just like ringworm. I know because I had ringworm once in junior high. I got it because I was on the wrestling team and must have started watching 90210 when I got home from practice instead of immediately showering off the dirty mat juices. I ran through all the places where I could have contracted ringworm this time. I haven’t been wrestling. I haven’t been anywhere particularly seedy lately, although I did roll down a hill the other day.
I was scared to see what WebMD would have to say about my fungal infection and stingy collection of vaginal coins. But as I toweled off, I realized the raised skin circle was exactly the size of a penny.
I probably slept with a penny stuck to my leg all night. Abraham Lincoln somehow got into my sweatpants and suctioned himself to my leg.
This should have made me feel better. It didn’t. I feel even dirtier, ashamed that my cleaning standards would allow a random coin into my sweatpants! Gross. How did that happen? I think I liked it better when I had ringworm and a piggy bank pussy.