May 11, 2011

Of course! Yes! Why not?! Absolutely!

My newest sexual fantasy is that I meet a guy at a supermarket by the bananas. We smile to each other. I take him back to my place. He fluffs up my pillows. I relax on the bed. He begins to slowly dip a rag in hot water and wipe it over all my dishes while I get out my computer. I send out all the emails I’ve been putting off.  I complete everything on my internet to-do list while he refreshes my coffee and occasionally sashays by naked.

And scene.

I’ve become asexual because of my constant overwhelm. If you have emailed me and think I’m a bitch for not responding, you’re not alone. I have a list of 100 emails to send. And a million things to do. People who are off curing AIDS surely have a more important to-do list than I do, but mine is long. And it’s all my fault because I have forgotten how to form that word ‘no.’ Do you want to be in this show? Yes. Do you want to dance in an internet video so people can put their head on your body as you wriggle around? Sure. Do you want to drive two hours to interview these guys for an article that doesn’t pay anything? Of course! I actually want to do all those things. I’m stuck between time and my do-everything ideal. Stupid time!

I’m buried. I’m suffocated. I finally realized this when my birthday came around this past Sunday. I was annoyed by it. Not by the fact that I am aging, but because it was another thing on my to-do list. Ugh, I can’t stop by Target because I have to celebrate that birthday thing.  Let’s get it over with.

WHAT!?
I mean, WHAT!?
I must be stopped.

Trying to sell an article about picnic spots in LA CANNOT be as important as I’m making it. I’m annoying myself. Is it possible to annoy yourself to death with your own self-importance? I may be in danger.

A few days ago, I finally began exercising my free will.
I said ‘no.’
And I said it with a vengeance. As much vengeance I could muster through text.
A nice young man approached me in the parking lot of Barnes & Noble. I wasn’t terribly attracted to him, but he was quite persistent. I knew my fantasies could use some bolstering, and I miss wearing heels. So, I said… yes.
Even though something about him was shady.
Even though he asked me out in a parking lot.
Even though he told me he wasn’t at work at 11am because he was the boss of an ad agency and he’d given everyone the day off.
Even though I have worked at ad agencies and have never seen a 29-year-old boss who could give a department the day off.
Even though he said he was the boss despite his only being in advertising a year after injuring himself in the NBA.

I pedaled home, pissed at my lack of ‘no’s.
Then I Googled his very unique name because that’s what we do these days. Nothing about the NBA or advertising. Nothing explaining the reason he might be hanging out in parking lots.
And then he sent me this picture:

And then this picture:

And I said NO.
And he continued to send pictures. Like this one:


And then, with chest puffed and full confidence, I said:
I’m not interested. At all. Looking for someone older who won’t try to seduce me with pictures. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It felt good. I felt like this could be the start of a beautiful relationship with ‘no.’
Still, he sent me this picture:

And for one whole week now, I’ve been getting text after text.
Good morning, Laurenne. Have a great day.
Good night, Laurenne. Enjoy your sleep.

So, what I’ve learned from this experience is: I suffer from the inability to say ‘no.’ And when I finally do, shady men won’t let me.

This is why I am taking myself to a place that will force me into solitude. I won’t be able to clobber myself with busy work or attend any shows. Consider me indisposed (but not in the way people say it when they mean they’re going to the bathroom). I will be in Honduras for the next three weeks. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s there. I just know that there’s an island that I’ve never heard of (Utila). There are whale sharks, which are the biggest fish to date (about 40ft). And there’s a little bungalow calling out to me to relax and maybe celebrate that birthday. I’ll still be laughing at humans here because I have an unusual attachment to this very shade of blue and white. But I won’t be able to get any more texts. Or pictures.

See you soon. Unless you’re the advertising boss/NBA player.

PLEASE NOTE: This post was written in haste, as I am packing and have a million things to do.

{ 15 comments }

Rahul May 11, 2011 at 11:29 am

Is that Michael Jordan? Then I’m out of NBA players. Believe me, i’ve tried the NBA line with plenty of women. Success rate. 0 percent. Being under 6 foot and Indian probably gives it away. Ok, fine I’ll be a med student from now on.

Maybe he was thinking the same about you. Unemployed girl 11 AM, not buying local products. She needs some dates. This is where I’m going to be doing my newest date asking. I’ll be in the Ralphs parking lot on Lincoln at 11:30am every day for the rest of my life.

I’ll see ya at Asexual Anonymous meetings. Oh, supposed to be anonymous. I WONT (wink wink) see you at the Asexual Anonymous meetings.

laurenne May 11, 2011 at 5:51 pm

The Ralph’s on Lincoln is a great spot to meet dates. Especially homeless ones. We know all about that, right (wink wink)?

AA May 11, 2011 at 11:46 am

Have a good afternoon with the 40foot sharks in Honduras, Laurenne.

laurenne May 11, 2011 at 5:50 pm

You scared me! I think I better change out those pics.

Madgew May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Laurenne, you are beyond funny with this one. Who is this guy really and why is he now becoming a stalker? Do you need to have me take him out for you? And I thought this was going to end better. Hopefully, he doesn’t have enough money to follow you to Honduras Island. Will you have internet just not a phone? I need to be connected to you and not in the NBA advertising way but in the funny, internet way. Love you Laurenne. You make my day every time I read your blog. See you tomorrow night. Can’t wait to see who calls who a cu.. (my least favorite word).

laurenne May 11, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Aw, Madge!!!! You make my day as well. I love always being able to count on your support. Your presence is always ALWAYS appreciated and loved.
Can’t wait to see you tomorrow as well! Hopefully no cunts will be there.

L

Madgew May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Does this guy know you are showing his picture everywhere on the internet?

laurenne May 11, 2011 at 5:48 pm

No! And now I’m feeling horribly guilty about it. Plus, I made a death joke here, which I hate. I’m a hypocrite! Help. I think I might delete this whole thing. Eeek.

Zoe May 11, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Laurenne! Rahul! I’m dying you’re going to get me in trouble at work for laughing out loud like a crazy person! Loving it!

alonewithcats May 11, 2011 at 4:03 pm

We have eerily similar fantasies, right down to the sashaying naked man. Which is admittedly a little weird — for you — because I’m a lesbian.

P.S. Happy birthday, BFF. 31, right? You’re only a year away from being a Baskin Robbins. See, getting old equals fun!!!!

Boozer May 11, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I don’t know… i wanted to say something here, but then realized that you’ve gotten yourself into so many situations far more strange than NBA/Ad Exec territory… huddled alone in a hut with rats in Papua New Guinea comes to mind… say it with me now, “NO!” Feels good, doesn’t it?

Brooke Farmer May 12, 2011 at 4:35 am

I am so excited for you!!!

And happy belated birthday.

And I think I have run into/gotten 3 million pushy texts from that same guy. Except he looked taller in the text photos I got. And he told me that he worked for Michael Jordan.

He did ask me to join him for a jaunt to the playboy mansion, so maybe he really did work for Jordan. But it was raining outside and I didn’t feel like putting on actual pants.

Nicole May 12, 2011 at 6:16 am

Happy belated annoying birthday!

I have a very similar fantasy. Except mine involves my fantasy guy making me some to-die-for curry shrimp and rice. And after cooking and doing the dishes, he goes home. Sexless and happy with it.

Have fun in Honduras! I’m so jealous. I get insanely jealous whenever someone goes on a trip without me. Even if I don’t know the person and they don’t know me. So while you’re gone, just know that I’ll be sitting here at work, in a windowless office, in front of a computer, stewing with rage and jealousy that you didn’t take me (a total stranger you don’t know) with you to Honduras. But have fun. Looking forward to some fabulous vacation pics.

Lyra May 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Hey Lauren! this guy sitting next to me at your show last night recommended your blog! haha…its hilarious! your show is the slightly twisted dark comedy version of USM…hahaha….you should consider doing a USM showing with it!…anyway, enjoy honduras!!

Lindsay May 20, 2011 at 8:48 am

I think I saw that guy on the subway yesterday. Harassing this girl. He sure gets around.

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