Dear Mom on Fathers’ Day,
I think it’s only fair that you get a celebratory hug today too. You may have a vagina and you may not possess the other usual characteristics of the stereotypical dad, but in many ways you’ve been a better dad than many.
You bought me a skateboard and a pogo stick and a Wiffle ball, making sure I got a well-rounded childhood experience. I am not sure if that’s because you were playing a dad role or because you’re a tomboy yourself, but I liked it. Barbie was too pink for me, and she was really only good for planning sexy trysts with Ken. It was better that I got outside and away from that dream house turned porn den.
You barbecued, spackled, nailed, painted, and grouted. In a traditional family, the dad would have done that stuff. In my family, I learned that a woman can do just about anything with her hands. Now, one of my most cherished possessions is my cordless power drill. Drill, baby, drill (If you’re hanging shelves.). Because of you, I am proud to NOT be one of those girls who needs to “call a boy to help.” Thank. Goodness.
You told me dirty jokes and taught me that farts are funny. That’s usually a dad’s job, but you did it really well (sometimes too well). When you smirked and divulged the real words to The Man from Nantucket, my junior high popularity soared. Thanks for that. ‘Whose dick was so long he could suck it!’ Hahahaha.
You taught me all about the male psyche. When I was “dating” in sixth grade, you told me just what those little bastards were thinking. You weren’t a man but you sure knew that Caleb was flirting by calling me stupid. You were so smart. (I kinda wish you would have told me not to go see Ferngully the Last Rainforest with him though. Worst first date ever. [Side note: dating has not changed much since 6th grade].)
You came to every game or performance or big deal. And you drove me everywhere I needed to go. If there had been a dad around, you guys might have been able to rotate. But, nope. Your presence was for two, and that was enough.
I don’t think you deserve recognition on Fathers’ Day just because you performed the tasks of a “normal” dad. I think you deserve recognition because you performed every task. All by yourself. That’s hard. You’ve been the good guy and the bad guy. You’ve planned every birthday party, and you’ve cried enough for two every time we’ve said goodbye at an airport. That should be rewarded.
Maybe you don’t deserve a tie or a mug because, really, who does? But you deserve recognition and thanks and love.
Happy Father’s Day, Mommy!
PS. I respect many of your choices, but why did we take photos in a black hole?
Comments
23 responses to “Happy Father’s Day, Mom”
What a great Mom! And I’m really, really relieved that I’m not the only one thatturned Barbie’s house into a porn den. Oh the things Barbie and Ken did on that airplane as well! And don’t even get me started on the pool…
YOU HAD A BARBIE AIRPLANE!!!! So cool.
This. Was. Awesome.
Funny without being lost to sentiment. Excellent tribute.
Thanks, Mark. You know my mom loves you! Wink. Wink.
We took pictures in a dark hole because my glasses were bigger than my face and it clouded my judgement. Thanks for the memories. What a great kid!
Father’s Day is not a holiday for single moms:
http://www.urbanfaith.com/2011/06/single-moms-are-not-fathers.html/
Father’s Day is a day to honor the male who helped you become who you are. I’ll give you that. I do not think, however, that a girl-child recognizing that her female parent was a decent substitute should be denigrated. Shame on you!
Thanks, momma! See how great she is! Standing up for me right here.
yeah mambert, tell ’em!
Laurenne is the best everything. I love her and and so glad she is my friend. I want to meet Mambert one day as well. You must have such a great sense of humor to have raised Laurenne with such a wonderful smile and an outstanding laugh.
Now Laurenne, where is the video?????????? And you know the one I mean.
This is beautiful! :)
wow I’m crying
Sophie,
That you have such a wonderful Mom is simply wonderful. That you recognize it is even better. Better still, that you advertise that recognition with love and hilarity. Topping it all off is the appreciation of the recognition. It doesn’t get much better than that, and nor do you. Bravo!
R.
You were an adorable child. Your mom sounds amazing. And I am so glad I am not the only one who did dirty things with Barbie and Ken. Interestingly, even my barbie used to “like it rough.”
WHAT?! Do you have eyes? Ok, maybe I was kinda cute, but that outfit was terrible. You were into roughing it as a kid!? Damn, girl.
It’s raining on my face. Oh, sorry you don’t like that one. It’s peeling an onion on my face. I think the best part of this post was the usage of the bracket inside the parenthesis. Very sophisticated. Seems like something you would pick up from a mom.
YOU HAD A POGO STICK?!!? My parents wouldn’t get me one because ” I would be bouncing the house into pieces.” To this day I don’t know what that means. Lucky.
You should have told your parents that pogo sticks are for outside. No doy.
I used to think my mom was an expert grammarian until I found many uses of “alot” in her writing. It was a sad day. We don’t talk about it.
Congratulations you’ve written the best thank you that I’ve ever read. It’s nice to see that you appreciate not only your mother’s success in raising you, but also her failures. Surely she said that only some farts are funny. If not then why do we have words like “Odious” or “Odoriferous.” Farts belong in the situational comedy area. Farting in the bathroom, not funny. Farting while curtsying as you greet the Queen of England, funny. Farting while you eat dinner at home alone, not funny. Farting while eating beans around a campfire, funny. (Apologies to Mel Brooks.)
I wish that I had done something this nice for my dad when I was your age. Your consideration proves that your mom did a great job.
You made me cry on my lunch break at work. Bitch!!
Love you. This is beautiful.
Amen, sister.
My mom says farts are “natural and healthy.” Your mom and mine should probably hang out some time. Not in an enclosed space, though.
your mom sure loved you and sure loved being a mom. how great that you love her for her and celebrate her for being so solid.
Single moms like mine deserve recognition when they do both jobs. Found a site called happyfathersdaymom.com that sells stuff for just this occasion. Way cool.