My first job out of college was writing TV commercials for Jack in the Box. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, but I pretended I knew exactly what I was doing. I couldn’t admit I didn’t know anything because there was another girl who started around the same time and she seemed to know a lot. She was married and didn’t have any student loans, so I hated her upon finding that out. We were the same age, looked alike and had similar-sounding names (hers: Leah). Yet, she was all put together. Her clothes matched. Her skin was clear. She had a car.
I had a bicycle from Target, one suitcase, a ball of frizz on my head, a face full of adult acne, and a sneaking suspicion that I did not want to be in advertising. It was not a fine moment for me, and this chick’s surface perfection reflected back to me how big of a mess I was.
I figured I could prove that I was better than she was if I just made more TV commercials than she did. And so it was born: fierce, catty, female competition, the silent kind popular in sorority houses, the kind that kept me scheming at night and kept her pointing out that I had a string hanging from the stitching on my shirt. Every. Day.
After a few months on the job, Leah produced her first TV commercial. BEFORE ME. Seething with jealousy, I wrote my ass off. And I tried harder. I finally sold one right after, keeping us neck and neck (they’re here and here if you’re really that bored). Still, we competed in every area. She’d tell me about her perfect husband, and I’d brag about how I figured out all by myself that my cable TV wasn’t working because of a big lint ball stuck in the receiver box. Then she’d remind me that she didn’t have a TV. There we were: Twenty-five-year-old bitches, both vegetarians, defining ourselves by how quickly we could convince people to eat hamburgers.
Four years after we met, we both found ourselves in phases of uncertainty. Her husband was to take a job in New York, and I had no idea what to do with my life. I decided to travel alone for a year and start this blog. She decided to stay in Los Angeles and began writing thank you notes. She filled up boxes of gratitude and realized that thanking the things she appreciated was a way of staying in the moment and giving her life a constant. She posted them on her blog, thx thx thx. That’s how we actually got to know each other- by secretly reading each other’s blogs. Leah says it was when I started to write about my father that she realized I was a real person and not the shell I would only let her see before. And I learned about how fragile and funny she really is by reading things like these:
I guess you can say we really met online. And then we started to respect each other. And then we became friends.
It felt so much better than competing.
Now her blog has become a book, a book that’s for sale in real bookstores. YES, SHE PUBLISHED A BOOK BEFORE ME. Even though I have been wanting to write a book since the moment I realized I didn’t want to be in advertising (the first day), I am not one bit jealous that my friend has just come out with one. (Swear. For real. Seriously. No, really. Not me.) I’m PROUD! And amazed. And inspired. Because it’s good. Because it’s beautiful. Because it’s vulnerable and funny. Because she’s my friend and I want her to succeed. Six years ago, I would have fake-barfed if I’d heard Leah was going to publish a book and then I would have probably gone home and created a voodoo doll. But here I am telling you to buy it. Our blogs and this book symbolize how much we can grow in short periods of time.
Dear Laurenne & Leah, Thanks for not being catty bitches anymore.
Dear Cats, Thanks for letting us use your name to describe something negative.
Leah also thinks humans are funny, and she wants to give away one of her books here. If you write a thank you down below (to anything or anyone), we will put your name in a hat (Really a hat. We’re not just saying hat and then planning on using a bowl.). And we will draw one name and that winner shall receive a copy of thx thx thx in the mail. We’re doing a raffle because we don’t want to judge the entries. That’s how far we’ve come. We don’t even judge anyone anymore. Except ourselves. And that guy over there. What a douchebag.
Ok, your turn:
Comments
68 responses to “If you win this book, I won’t be jealous of you either. Swear. Not me. Nope. Don’t get jealous. Not at all.”
Dear Old Bedroom at My Parents’ House,
Thank you for being 9m² of childhood memories. It feels good to remember how happy it was, each time i come back.
With love,
Mathilde.
Dear funny ladies who blog,
Thank you for making me laugh. You add good karma to the universe.
Best,
Amanda in Austin
dear ex: Thank you for taking my love and me out to dinner and giving him a hug at the end in front of our son.
Love, Bright Eyes
Dear board games,
Thanks for making any get-together more fun and meeting new people less awkward. You are probably the sole activity that those of us who don’t drink can do with people who are drinking and actually have fun.
Yay for you!,
Sarah
Dear Chocolate,
Thank you for being my constant companion. The real thing and the only thing that has hung around through thick and thin. (pun intended).
Engulfed in chocolate as I type this.
Madge
Dear Humans Are Funny,
Thank you for existing and being there for me to read.
Also, thank you for introducing me to ThxThxThx.
– Linda
Dear Laurenne and Leah,
Thank you for showing everyone what “real” power looks like, and how gorgeous you both look when you are standing in your authentic selves.
(And Laurenne, look how ditching the jealousy cleared your skin up- you are radiant!)
From my cats: Thank you for your retraction.
Dear “Peaceful Easy Feeling,” by the Eagles,
Thank you for always taking me back to the moment when that amazing guy placed his hands around my waist in a bar, whispered in my ear, and convinced me to go home with him. Your song IS the moment I fell in love with my husband.
With gratitude,
Rachel
Dear faithful, amazing, brilliantly talented writer friend keeping vigil at my bedside as I sit in the hospital and write this,
Thank you for being there always, with wit, wisdom, and prunes. I’ve been weak and you’ve been strong much in this equation, and I’m grateful Whitney Houston told you that’s ok. Love you always!
Dear contest
Thank you for putting me back on track of my gratitude habit.
Benoit
Whoa, people love giveaways. Oh, sorry, sorry.
Dear Giveaways,
Thanks for people loving you so much. I may do one on my blog due to your popularity and my vainness.
xoxoxoxoxoxoLOLTTYLROFL,
Rahul
dear mom,
thank you for always having faith in me as a child. for the times i wouldn’t wear underwear. or when i lit the shower curtain on fire. or when i told you i didn’t want to be a little girl anymore, and made you take me to the hairdresser to get a crew cut.
(thank you, phases, that you eventually grow out of, too…)
cordially,
sara.
Dear older woman who sat next to me at the kids’ library program;
Thanks for laughing with me about the incompatability (presentation style-wise) of the husband/wife team putting on the program. And for assuring me even the best and most compatible couples act that way (snarkiness and all)–even after decades together. It makes my marriage seem so much more functional!
Hugs & giggles,
Amber
dear now,
this is the first time i’ve ever visited you. i’m usually in the past or future. you look very very very kind. i like you.
all my love right now this minute here.
amy
Dear Last Minute Cancellations,
Thanks for giving me time that I didn’t know I needed.
Love,
Nicole
Dear Mono,
Thank you for patiently waiting to visit me at age 28. Because of you, I was able to get an entire month off of work while confirming my status as a late bloomer. Watching Ellen at home on the couch is so much more statisfying when you know you’re missing a Development Team meeting – and never lost a second drooling over Andy in homeroom. Instead, I was able to share nachos with a douchebag crush on our first date, and vengefully kiss him afterwards. Thank you Mono, you really saved the best for last.
Love, Kristin
Dear Crayons,
Thanks for always making me feel young again when I see something written by you.
Much love,
Sandy
Dear Feet,
Thank you for carrying me around, putting up with uncomfortable shoes, wet weather and a combination of extreme rain, inappropriate footwear and 2 hours of walking on Sunday without too much complaint. I promise to put you up more often and wear warm slippers.
Much love.
Madeleine.
Dear Bosnian Neighbor,
Thanks for bringing a bit of culture to my life by beating your dirty rugs into my yard once a week and constantly asking me to drink beer with you at 2pm on a weekday. It makes me appreciate my vacuum cleaner and the job I have to stay sober for.
Luv-Te’
Thank you farts,
For reminding us what we ate just a few short hours ago.
Kurt
Dear books,
Thank you for being a piece of technology that will never take time to reboot, need an update, or crash.
Happy reading,
Elizabeth
Dear Outlets,
Whenever I need you there you are, hidden behind a bed or dresser. You are such a wallflower! I have always related to you’re wide eyes and dropped jaw. My left eye is a little smaller too!
Thanks for making me feel better about myself, and giving me something to plug into.
Much Love,
Kelly
Dear woman I almost killed and ran over today on my bike,
Thank you for saying “Excuse me young man, sorry to be in your way. You have a nice day now.” Could you have been any sweeter? You are a fine addition to humanity. If I wasn’t rolling past you I would have kissed you on the cheek.
JMak
dear tokyo,
thank you for showing us the true meaning of grace under pressure. america has a lot to learn about how to treat one another and handle stress during times of crisis. may we all take notes as you rebuild.
sincerely,
mary
Dear Murphy:
Thanks for truly being the best friend a girl could ask for. Thanks for having a party every time I come home and for giving me kisses when I really need it (which in your book is all the time). Thanks for never being late for our morning runs and for always being excited when I stay home to watch Law and Order SVU.
xoxo,
Your pal Hal
Dear culinary school,
Thanks for making it my job to drink wine from 9 to 4 every day. Love you, love your wine.
Vanessa
My dear Sophie,
Thanks simply for being you. You are more than most.
And thanks for correcting your grammatical mistakes without moaning about it.
R.
Dear humansarefunny.com,
Thanks for reminding me its okay to be human.
Love Cat x
Dear Fish,
Thank you for making me realize life could be worse. I could be a fish swimming in the same damn tank. Back and forth. Round and round.
Always, Myia
Dear Walmart–
Thanks for providing a central location where all the freaks and geeks can go and where I can visit to make me feel better about how well I have it compared to these crazies
~Me
Dear Bedroom,
Thank you for the tranquility you give me when my heart is heavy. Thank you for allowing my computer to light up your space late at night when menopause lurks around in the dark!!! And even if this is not the place where I can say…”this is where it all happens”, thanks for hiding my secrets!! I love you bedroom!
Thank you for this post. And thank you in advance for not making fun of the fact that I couldn’t come up with anything better than that. #tired
Dear bourbon,
tkshna
Dear wee hours of the morning,
Thanks for bring so quiet and letting me think. I’m not always that great at it when the day noise starts.
Dear Compassion,
Thanks for creeping up on me just when I thought I was about to overflow with something much nastier.
love and hugs
W
Dear iPhone,
Thank you for the many things you do to help me; get to my next appointment, remember my sons Kung Fu lessons, finds a deal on shoes, find a Starbucks, get a flight, call my mom, connect with a long lost friend, read a blog for the first time in bed while I have to pee but can’t get up because its so funny…thank you…and that was all before 7:30 this morning!
-going pee now
Dear mornings i walk out of the house with baby puke on me and smelling of baby pee,
Thank you for respect I now have for mothers everywhere and the unity I feel in disheveled appearances.
Dear funny…
People are the strangest & funniest human beings…we surely can’t take ourselves too seriously as I or someone else will do something that will verify the diagnosis of hoof & mouth disease….
Thank you to the universe for guiding me to facebook where I have managed to become friends with so many wonderful-kind-supportive and loving people.
They touch my heart & that’s what’s important…
Your childhood friend Judy
Dear dust-bunnies,
Thank you for converging together along the wall and under my bed until someone comes over and then rolling out just as they’re about to take a bite of food. Thank you for revealing just how lazy I truly am and waiting for the perfect moment to show my lack of house keeping skills to the world. And thank you for stickin’ together so that when I finally am humiliated enough to snatch you up, you all come along together in one nice, long, fuzzy, soft scarf of bunnies.
Love,
Lazy Oaf.
Dear Grunge,
Thanks for getting popular around the time that I hit junior high. As a lesbian who wouldn’t figure it out for years to come, I would have raided my dad’s closets for flannel shirts anyway, but you made this socially acceptable.
Love,
Jessica
Dear Dog, Thanks for trotting around the house to tell me you have to pee. You got me off the couch before Jennifer Houstin started singing for weight watchers, again. Momma Loves Doggy, Shelley
Dear Cancer,
I am writing this thank you note to say, no thank you. Please go away.
Regards,
Carla
Dear Sanity,
Thank you for coming around on occasion… I really appreciate your visits and wish you could stay longer! ;o)
~ Carolyn
Dear Hoodie,
Your special form limits distraction a midst a world forever demanding attention. You make movies better and uncomfortable situations more bearable. Your ease on ears, softness to sore shoulders, and gentleness upon my hands bring warmth and comfort when all else is cold. Oh and you make Sylvester Stalone look like a complete bad ass in Rocky.
For this all, my hat goes off for you,
Jeff
I missed this contest. I wish I had that dream come to me a little earlier. However, I must leave a comment!!!!!!
Dearest Young Man on the Street,
Thank you for making me anxious every morning hoping to find you on the street so I can say ‘hello’ to you and see if you will smile at all. Thank you for making my heart want to talk to yours. Thank you for letting me believe that some day you will accept help from me and really kick drugs out of your life. Thank you for the hope I treasure in my heart that you will soon find your purpose and leave the street for good.
Love,
Me.
Thank you to EVERYBODY! These are still so amazing to read the week after.