June 7, 2011

Parrotfish for President!

During this trip to Utila, I spent an abnormal amount of time staring at birds. It helped me to realize I don’t want to be a bird. Nope. I always thought I would because flying any time I want and shitting on people and cars seems like a dream. But I have a feeling I would really be frustrated without hands. Hands and arms are just the kind of limbs I like. I’m sorry if you don’t have any. You’re probably used to it. And I am sure birds are as well. But I would prefer not to pick everything up with my feet or mouth. It just seems unsanitary. I don’t even let people sit on my bed with clothes on, so picking everything up with my mouth wouldn’t do it for me. Plus, I’d have to taste everything I picked up, even materials for building my nest. That would be like licking the wood at Home Depot. Not for me, thanks.

I went diving here in Utila, and I got to thinking that maybe I could deal with the no-hands thing if I were a fish. As evidenced in The Little Mermaid, living under the sea is pretty spectacular. There are rainbows of color at every turn, treasures, shipwrecks, and thingamabobs aplenty. After hours of quality time with the Honduran fish, I couldn’t tell two parrotfish apart (I think I’m racist.), but I did want to be one.

I also saw a huge crab. His body was larger than my head and his legs almost as long as mine. I screamed underwater because, damn, that was a big crab. Utila has somewhat of a crab infestation. On land they scamper around like bunnies. This crab part has nothing to do with anything, but holy shit, that was a big crab.

What I most noticed about the Utilan fish is their intelligence. They can easily gather themselves into a military-like formation in a millisecond. And to protect themselves from bigger fish, they travel really really really tightly packed in together so they look like one bigger fish. Brilliant. I wish I would have used this technique back when I was going to dance clubs.

As far as relationships go, most fish prefer to travel with friends. Or maybe they’re into family or their parents are really protective. Either way, there are never fish traveling alone. I thought that was sweet. I’m quite a loner now, but I like friends. I think.

Coral reefs are a marvel. Some look like flattened pieces of gum, some like brains, and others like they’re waving to you. Lots of corals around Honduras are dying because of the pollution, so there are plenty of areas that look like coral ghettos, devoid of color and torn apart. It’s obvious the drugs and shady stuff happen there. Still, it seemed most fish got along regardless of the neighborhoods from which they came. They’re above judgments– more reason to look past the lack of arms. They all seem to get on fine with different races as well. Sergeant fish swim with barracudas and clown fish with those weird ones who look like sticks. Fish seem fine with mingling with other species too. Some even eat the food that grows off the underbelly of bigger animals. Ok, that’s gross. I would never eat some mold that grew off my fat neighbor, but I like that fish are resourceful. And that they’re colorful. Deep down under the sea, the colors of fish are so bright and so vibrant, it’s as if you’re in an eighties music video or a neon factory. I could definitely be a fish. Not that I particularly liked the eighties, but I have a thing for neon (No, I didn’t like the eighties. Stop gasping. I hated my hair and my face, and I was too young to use cocaine for confidence. Sorry).

Watching all these fish really brought to my attention the audacity of humans who think we’re the supreme species. Why? Because we have buildings and ring pops and penicillin? Fish don’t even need any of those. Because we can talk? Fish can communicate without having to remember stupid grammar rules. Because we have memories? Think of how many times you’ve heard someone say ‘I’ve been hurt in the past, so I’m just too scared to get close to you right now.’ Because we can kill other animals for our food? Oh yeah, cows put up such a fight. Because we can get dogs to wear sweaters? No comment.

So, maybe next time we’re using our hands to flip the bird or turn on ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ or sext someone a picture of our penis, let’s just take a moment to be humble and remember our fish friends.

I think the reason I love parrotfish so much is because they remind me of my Caboodle.

The long and thin stick fish is not used in fish magazines to make all other women fish feel fat.

Possible set for Poison video circa 1986 or fish abode?

{ 18 comments }

Roy D June 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

aplenty.

Fab. post.

R.

Roy D June 7, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Ha! I see you fixed it. Great images too.

laurenne June 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

YES! Thanks for the correction. I always appreciate a grammar fix.

hipstercrite June 7, 2011 at 11:04 am

damn. that was a big crab.

laurenne June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Seriously. Huge crab.

mer June 7, 2011 at 11:17 am

I’ve seen some mean coral ghettos in my time and you’re right – it IS obvious the drugs and shady stuff happen there!

laurenne June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Right? I didn’t see any shady fish, but I knew they were there.

Nicole June 7, 2011 at 11:28 am

Maybe you should be an octopus. They get to live underwater AND they have EIGHT ARMS. I know, your mind is now blown. Boom goes the dynamite! As soon as I typed that last sentence, I regretted it. I’m sorry.

laurenne June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

You are correct. Mind blown. DAMN. Why didn’t I think of that? Octopus is the life.

Rahul June 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Rhetorical question man!!!! He answers all of his own questions and doesn’t care about anyone else!!! (set to the tune of the Full House theme song)

Hold on one second. ONE SECOND. How did you get those pictures from underwater? Polaroids won’t come out in water. I’ve tried. It is a very tough process. I see you have some kind of newfangled camera machine. Interesting.

Did you bring me back a parrotfish? Does it talk? It looks so pretty. I know I could get a date if I had one. “Hey baby, look at the colors. Vivrant thing”. I liked this post. It was informative. Fish have it pretty good. They probably didn’t even have to suffrage and all that.

laurenne June 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Yes, Vivrant thing. Definitely keep saying that and you’ll get plenty of dates.

Madgew June 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Did you take these photos? I like humans better.

The Incredible Woody June 7, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Seriously, why do guys send out pics of their penis? Does anyone really want to look at that?

The Incredible Woody June 7, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Maybe I’m a lesbian. I wonder if I should tell my husband. ;)

Lauren Lloyd June 7, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Love this post! My favorite part: “And to protect themselves from bigger fish, they travel really really really tightly packed in together so they look like one bigger fish. Brilliant. I wish I would have used this technique back when I was going to dance clubs.”

alonewithcats June 7, 2011 at 5:35 pm

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake …

Mark June 7, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Down at the bottom of the blue everything feels the pressure of life just the same. That is why they get along the way they do with each other…

Lindsay June 9, 2011 at 11:16 am

Caboodle!

That is all.

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