July 13, 2011

I’m a beaver beacon. A large one.

I have become a beacon for those curious about vaginas. This is not where I thought my life would take me, but somehow I’m here. It’s not a bad spot. I could be a beacon for feces eaters or hatemongers or artichoke whisperers. But, nope. It’s curious coochie searchers. I found this out when I wandered into the ‘keyword’ analytical area of my blog yesterday and saw that most strangers find their way to this blog by searching “quarters in pussy,” “vagina smells like ham,” “my mothers pussy smells like fish,” and “I have small object stuck in my vagina how can I get it out.” Some people also find me by searching “pants in denmark” or “padded bra addict,” but that happens much less often.

Thank you, Google, for sending me all these curious crotch crawlers. I am honored, although I did not create this blog to become a lighthouse in the overwhelming sea of vaginal investigators. Not at all. In the over three-hundred entries posted here, only three mention the nether regions: this one about vulvaroma, this one about foreign objects, and this one about fluids slipping onto Hollywood dance floors. That is a mere one percent of my repertoire. Not enough to have such a gaggle of scissor sisters directed my way. I want to put it out there that I’m not an expert. I must also come clean to the curious and tell you: my vagina is not even in use. I saw a tumbleweed roll past it this morning.

Still, I accept my post.

Plus, those in need of crotchal info bring traffic and boost my ego. I’ll take it. Since I don’t want my one percent to be so much of a let down when they arrive, I would like to add one more post to the vaginal trifecta here on Humans are Funny.  While I’ve covered foreign objects and promiscuity and odors, I haven’t covered size. I might as well. Because I need traffic. Because people are curious. And because I happened upon a very disturbing revelation.

There is a tampon alternative these days. I will not try to describe it here because you don’t really want to know about it unless you happen to be in the market for a tampon alternative. And also because I already tried to describe it in writing, and I scared myself. If you want to check it out, you can go to the divacup.com yourself. But, all you need to know is that it goes in the same place as the tampon, but it’s not a tampon.
What’s most disturbing is that there are two sizes: SMALL– for people under 30. AND LARGE: for people over 30.
That’s it. Two sizes.
No matter what.
Even if you haven’t had a baby.
Even if you do kegel exercises daily.
Even if your man tells you how tight you are.
If you’re over 30, you’re considered large.

“We recommend Model 2 if you are 30 or over 30 years old, because as we age, our hips naturally widen and the vaginal muscles lose elasticity. Because the vaginal muscles hold The DivaCup in place, it is important to use Model 2 if you are over 30, even if you have not had childbirth.

Even if you are a very small-framed woman with no children, and you are over 30, you should still purchase the Model 2.”

Great. Thanks, DivaCup, for the lack of sugar on that coat. You could have just told me that sleeping with me feels like a Pringles sleeve.

Now I understand why men go for younger chicks. Their skin is porcelain-like and wrinkle free. They think ALF lunchbox collections are quirky and vintage. Their vaginal walls are tighter NO MATTER WHAT. But a twenty-year-old girl learned about the eighties from Wikipedia, okay? And her car insurance costs more. And she lacks character and wisdom. Yeah. And flavor and experience. If lower insurance rates with a little flavor and a little wisdom isn’t argument enough to date a thirty-year-old with sagging vaginal walls, I don’t know what is. Holler.

And this concludes the vagina series on Humans Are Funny.


Rahul July 13, 2011 at 7:37 am

I’m first! Remember when we used to care about that way back in 2010? Now we are all old and have big vaginas. Except if we have penises. “Sea of vaginal investigators” Ha! I have a great name for your now defunct vagina series. THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES. You can thank me later. With some warm milk.

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I will never thank you with warm milk. That’s gross. And weird. But Vagina Monologues…! That’s a good one. Original commenter and titler.

girluntitled July 13, 2011 at 8:10 am

welp i went to the divacup website and learned two things: 1) i still have no idea what the crap a divacup is, and
2)that it was invented by fellow canadians. seeing as our national animal of choice is the beaver, this makes perfect sense.

laurenne July 13, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Those crazy Canadians and their beavers. I love the word ‘welp.’

The Incredible Woody July 13, 2011 at 8:36 am

Somehow I have become a beacon for ‘Donna Reed nude pics’. Seriously? Donna Reed? WTF?

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:24 pm

There are nude pictures of Donna Reed? Hmmm…. who would search for those? Off to do some research.

madgew July 13, 2011 at 9:07 am

Laurenne, this is hilarious and I know vagina has somehow become your go to word but you are so much more than that. Where your large proudly and with the knowledge that it is the right fit for you. Love you and all your humor.

Kate July 13, 2011 at 9:18 am

This is frightening. I turned 30 four months ago and I refuse to believe this one day causes me to go up a whole size internally. Also, gross.

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:25 pm

You’re huge. Sorry. We’re in this together.

Mark July 13, 2011 at 10:35 am

Somehow you have fallen into the cyberspace ‘friend zone’… because no one would come here with questions about coochie if they were actually out getting some.

Oh, about what happens ‘after 30’… sorry ladies, but kegels are only going to do so much. I happen not to care that I have to use a safety harness and wear a spelunker’s helmet (because you never know what may happen), but a lot of cats do… and the nerve of them..! Poppin’ cialis and using vacuum pumps to enlarge themselves..! Anywho, I happen to be ‘aiiright’ in that department and like I am with big coochies, if I am small I DON’T CARE..! Results matter when it comes to gettin’ laid and… ooh, I have really went off on a tangent, haven’t I? Maybe I should blog about it, eh?

Anywho… yup, you are in the internet’s equivalent of ‘the friend zone’… but hey, it could be worse…

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Great. I like being a friend. I guess it means I’ll never have sex with anyone I meet on the internet. And I am absolutely okay with that. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way (spoken from experience. Ahem).

mambert July 13, 2011 at 8:35 pm

If 30 equals size large, what does 65 get?? Oh, we don’t use tampons any more anyway. Forget I asked. Also: QUIT WRITING ABOUT VAGINAS! Love, your mom

rich July 13, 2011 at 10:31 pm

What you are to vaginas, I am to “boys shaved cock.”


Yours in naval gazing.


laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I love that you just wrote “boys shaved cock” on my blog. Now, I will double my traffic due to all those who search “shaved cock in ham vagina.” Maybe even tenfold.

alonewithcats July 13, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Elton John’s third album is called “Tumbleweed Connection.” And now you and I have a tumbleweed connection. Aww. Elton would be *so* proud of how far we haven’t come.

Brooke Farmer July 14, 2011 at 6:20 am

So they are ALL lying when they moan, “you’re So *tight*”???

Disturbing indeed.

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

All of ’em. Liars.
But I somehow do not mind those kind of lies.

Adria July 14, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Oh gosh, you’re brilliant, aren’t you?

What’s an Alf?

I’m kidding. I know who Alf is.

PS: Remember when I sent you the most inappropriate text ever by accident because my phone skydived into a hot beverage (better?) and we haven’t talked since and I think you hate me now because I’m an insensitive jerk and a small sized diva cup wearer (although, if that takes into consideration my college experience I think I may need to go up a size). Just kidding, I rock the OB. Gosh, I’m an asshole. CALL ME!!

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:29 pm

It’s okay if you don’t know who Alf is. I can take it. I actually didn’t like him anyway. Too many jokes about cats. I get it Alf, you eat cats. Enough already.

I DONT HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adrienne July 14, 2011 at 6:23 pm

So, I used to go to a gynecologist by the name of Dr. Beaver, and she used to share an office with Dr. Hyman, and Dr. Cox. So the door simply said Beaver, Hyman and Cox. No joke. Can’t make this stuff up.

The Incredible Woody July 15, 2011 at 6:56 am

I would totally go to those doctors. Just for the laughs!

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm

No way. I see hilarious logo possibilities.

Jo and the Novelist July 15, 2011 at 2:11 am

I was about to get all “Hey, I didn’t learn about the 80s on Wikipedia” on your ass and then I realised… I’m in my late twenties. Not Twenty.

It’s a weird feeling when you realise your age from deciphering what menstrual cup size you would purchase, if you ever felt the need to do so.

laurenne July 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Yeah. If you’re twenty, you didn’t even live in the 80s. I BARELY remember the 80s, which I guess is good. Means I’m kind of young. Not that age matters when my vagina’s hanging to my knees.

Jade February 8, 2012 at 5:33 pm

BAGibb on July 19, 2009 I think he laeft and then came back for a bit, dunno why touhgh lol

Apocalypstick August 3, 2011 at 5:53 pm

I get people looking for “upskirt photos.” Really.

Anonymous October 6, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Beavers ate my mom

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