Do cops get frustrated because we’re always driving really slowly in front of them?
Am I pathetic for feeling really sorry for MySpace, pay phones and Luke Perry?
Why hasn’t someone invented a word that rhymes with orange? I REALLY WANT TO WRITE A POEM ABOUT ORANGES.
Would anyone actually read a poem I wrote about oranges?
Why do some bald guys look so hot and others like eggs?
Aren’t parrots just gay pigeons?
What is non-dairy creamer, why doesn’t it need to be refrigerated, and will it give me cancer?
Did everyone else’s mom eat those in the 90s?
Along with Melba toasts?
Do certain foods remind you of certain times?
What ever happened to Chef Boyardee?
I cannot believe I ate that shit.
Real chefs don’t really wear hats like that, right?
What’s the point of those hats?
Why the poofy part?
Where do aborted baby fetuses go?
Do trees feel naked without leaves?
If you trade something for the world, isn’t that thing also part of the world anyway? It’s kinda cheating.
Is yogurt really alive? How alive?
Does yogurt talk shit about me to other yogurt in my stomach?
Or not that alive?
What does it mean when people say they can tell I’m an only child?
Can they tell that I like to sit alone in my apartment and ask myself questions while nodding to myself about laser hair removal and almonds?
Or is it something else?
If it’s an insult, fuck you guys.
If it’s a compliment: Hey, thanks!
Why are you reading this when you could be defining the word ‘glorange?’
Did you know I started asking questions about TWO years ago HERE? And HERE?
Comments
21 responses to “Come on, Luke Perry. Give me a Shorange.”
My mom DID eat Grapenuts in the 90s! And possibly melba toast.
I think I’m craving grapenuts now.
Also, Chef Boyardee is named after a real guy named Boiardi. I learned that and it blew my mind. I don’t know what kind of chef endorses canned meat ravioli, but whatever, at least he’s Italian.
I saw that!! I wonder if Boiardi is a disgrace to all Italians! That shit is grossssss.
I loved Grapenuts (named for the raisins in it (old grapes) and also loved melba toast with butter on it. Any other questions I can answer for you?
Madge, you’re so 90s!
First off, yes, I’ve seen some chefs wear hats like that. I think they were trying to be ironic though.
People usually can’t tell that I’m an only child, but when I tell them that I’m a Jew, they say, “Well, that explains everything.” I’m not sure what that means either, but I think I should tell them to fuck off too.
UGH! I hate that line. “Oh, that explains everything.” I’ll explain your face, bitches.
Someone once used that “Well, that explains everything,” line on me after I admitted to how long I’ve been single.
I would rather they had said it because I admitted being an only child. Or Jewish. Even though I am neither of those things.
Not being an only child wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I did not have that best friend type relationship with my siblings growing up. Having siblings just meant that I got made fun of and fought with other kids when I was at home too, instead of just at school.
WHORANGE: (noun) Person who exchanges sex for citrus fruit
that wins my vote!
Crediting my friend Briana Gilday who pondered the same thing a few years back, she declared the word Torange to mean: Unwanted cuddling. I like Whorange a whole lot as well. Good content.
I always reference an expert when it comes to rhyming things. Take it away Eminem!
““People say that the word orange doesn’t rhyme with anything … I can think of a lot of things that rhyme with orange,” said Eminem, seated behind a mixing board at his private recording studio, before effortlessly conjuring an on the spot rap about putting an “orange, four-inch, door hinge in storage” and having “porridge with Geo-rge.”
My friend Geo-rge is so mad at you right now.
door hinge! Okay. That’s pretty good. Well played, Eminem. Well played.
grapenuts are good for bowel movements.
Grapenuts have raisins??
Also: you need to watch more TV. There’s a new ad campaign and it features the actual Chef Boyardee and reintroduces weird pasta to the modern kids.
No! I don’t think Grapenuts have anything. They’re barley or some shit. But they come in a box, so I don’t think they’re as healthy as they say. Unless it’s for what Simone says. HA! Simone Says. Sounds like a good blog name.
I wish I were an only child. I think you should take it as a compliment … that your dad didn’t beg your mom to get pregnant because he “wanted a boy” and he’d “be a good dad *this* time,” thus unleashing onto the world my brother, who still hasn’t thanked me for the college graduation gift I gave him. In February. That my mom made me buy.
I would read a poem you wrote about oranges. In fact, I really want you to write one now. As far as words, hell, make them up! Oranges smoranges!
And if you’re asking yourself about laser hair removal, I’ll answer: Hell to the yes. Triple fucking yes. I wish I had done it a decade ago. I can now get in a swimming pool without 24 hours notice and a razor. I can yawn while wearing a tanktop, and not worry about the 4 o’clock armpit shadow.
Worth it.
Yes! I’m getting it. I have hairs on my hairs.
I eat Grape Nuts. And I am somebody’s mom.
I guess that makes me retro.
There IS another word that rhymes with Oranges, according to HR Pufenstuf. See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDoSl-M5tmM and skip to about 1:38. That was some REALLY bad kids TV.
Florange: Someone who fake tans so much that they glow orange. I also try to never drive too slow in front of cops, just to show how much of a bad ass I am.