Why hello, USA.
It’s so comforting to set eyes on you again after this long time apart. I admit I was fed up with your normalcy and celebrity-obsession when I left (I mean, just the fact that Heidi & Spencer are famous pissed me off). But now my fresh eyes see so differently. You’re like an ex boyfriend I haven’t seen in a while, and as the butterflies fill me up, I remember only the good; Heidi & Spencer who?
My dear, lovely ex-country, I find so much comfort in our familiarity. No guessing. I don’t have to wonder if I’m saying something correctly or accidentally insulting you. To be where I came from makes me feel cozy wherever I stand. I love that I can sit on a bench and be invisible to everyone around me. I don’t look like a tourist here even though I feel like one. I’m home. But the comfort of familiarity is always friends with the comfort of predictability. And THAT sends me leaping into a fit of non-commitment. Yes, USA, you are my ex. This is all too familiar. And, since I’ve never been able to mend my ways with any ex, I might have to leave you again.
But not just yet. For now I will use you for all your relief and luxury before I ditch you again for some other, more exotic country. For now I will take this time to enjoy all those things I didn’t realize I was missing. Things I’d forgotten. Things I never really noticed before but are blinding me now. These, USA, are your idiosyncrasies:
Supermarket Sticks – USA! What is with the obsession to get that stick between your groceries and mine? The cashier isn’t going to make our grapes mingle. But even if she does, it’s going to be okay. You don’t have to glare at me because I didn’t put the stick behind my soy milk.
Inside temperature. It’s a beautiful day. The breeze is swinging the leaves, and you can still sit comfortably under a tree in just a tank top. Yet, when you walk inside, nipples cringe and people build snowmen in the corner. In supermarkets, office buildings, libraries, it’s below 40. What gives, America? I haven’t been cold in 9 months and now I can’t even buy a few bananas without getting frostbite.
Diversity. Yes, I heard that Republicans have become racists since I’ve been gone. But man, America, we are lucky. I teared up the other day as I drank from a water fountain next to a black man. He told me I was a crazy white woman. But I couldn’t stop. So many other countries are faaaar behind us when it comes to accepting other people. I’ve missed diversity since Australia. I feel so free to be riding an LA bus with a rainbow of skin colors. Yes, America! This is what you’re all about.
Dollars. What is this green shit? It’s so boring, so monochromatic. Who designed this? Every other country gets pink or blue or yellow money adorned with handsome faces of recent rulers. We don’t even understand our money with its pyramids and random floating eyeballs. And all the guys on dollars are wearing wigs. Lame.
Unknown substances. I innocently made an oatmeal at Cata’s house and spit it out onto her carpet. That taste… Fake sugar. Diet stuff. Not found in Asia. I think the chemical companies probably said, “Hey Asians, want to ingest these gross synthetic powders instead of sugar so your bodies will look skinnier ?” And the Asians kicked those chemical company people in the mouths. This stuff is nasty.
The astounding variety of capitalism. Do we really need to choose between 20 different toothpaste brands? I mean, really? It makes life so hard. Do I want the whitening with fluoride or do I want the whitening with crystals or will the whitening take off my enamel so I’ll stick to just breath-freshening or maybe that will hurt the environment so I’m going with a natural baking soda paste. Geez. It’s just toothpaste. In Laos, it was either Nivea face cream or Nivea face cream. And Laotians are surviving! With lovely faces, I might add.
Wow… They’re everywhere. “If you’ve ben injured in an accident, CALL NOW!” Haven’t seen a lawyer ad in a while. And now they’re inescapable. How I’ve missed you, Larry H. Parker.
Technology. It’s sort of gross. On my NY layover, I could tell I was in an American airport strictly due to the head positioning of the fellow layover-ers. I would say that 80 percent of people were texting or typing on some device. And the others were talking to people on the other end. I think we should all just ta– hang on, getting a call…
Restaurant service. My first trip to an American restaurant was of course to Swingers, an American diner, for some tofu chilaquiles! YES. The food was exceptional, but I thought the waitress was stalking us.
“No, I don’t need more tea…. Nope, do not need anything else…. Nope, I’m good on the napkins, but thanks lady. Nope… LEAVE US ALONE.”
If you want the bill in a Vietnamese cafe, you might have to walk back to the bathroom or chicken coop to find someone who remembers what you ordered. Come to think of it…. Most people who don’t speak English know the restaurant word for ‘bill’ and the word for “Bill Clinton.” I wonder if they think Bill Clinton is named after the tab of things you’ve eaten.
Lawn ornaments. I’m almost positive America can claim this one all on its own. Nobody else could possibly have a fascination with plastic animals in the yard. I have to stay, fake geese are pretty fucking amazing.
Sorry this one’s blurry. Too many lunchtime beers. Just kidding. I’m driving.
