IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I’m renaming “wrap sweaters.”
New name: “sweaters with long ends that fall into the toilet twice in a day”
TWICE!
Please spread the word. New name begins now.
Author: laurenne
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I missed you.
I am back due to an overwhelming number of letters and hate phone calls.
Ok, I’m lying. I don’t think anybody noticed I was gone for a week, but they will soon, as I have many hilarious tales from my high school reunion. Coming soon…
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Excuse me, fish. You have toe skin in your throat.
WHAT? No!
Asian lady #1: What is the stupidest thing we can get Americans to do?
Asian lady #2: Mmmm…. let’s see if we can get them to eat their own feces.
Asiah lady #1: Nah. That would get gross for us.
Asian lady #2: Let’s see if we can get them to have fish eat their foot skin.
Asian lady #1: Phung, you are hilarious!
Asian lady #2: I think they’ll actually do it if we open a salon.
Asian lady #1: No way. I’ll bet you an ugly, 80s-inspired painting of a foot to hang in the salon.
Asian lady #2: Done! You’re going down! I love ugly paintings of feet! -
Those Americans will buy anything!
Today at my advertising job, I heard someone say, “Don’t worry. Of course we’ll make it look much better than it really is.”
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Fine. Fine. Fine.
“How are you?”
“Fine.”
How are you?
“Good.”
How strange that we repeat this rhetorical question a gazillion times a day and answer it too, fooling ourselves into thinking people actually want an answer. The next time someone asks me, I plan to reply, “Well, I’m tired, really horny and I think I have a yeast infection.” Gotta shake it up a bit at work, you know?