There are some things I do that epitomize me. I do them as if I’m programmed to do them, without thinking. I can’t stop. But I want to.
And now, what you’ve all been waiting for…
a list of the things I do that I really don’t want to do:
Buy generic face soap from Trader Joe’s and then complain about my acne.
Eat until I can’t move.
Complain about eating until I can’t move.
Joke about becoming like my mother (old joke).
Joke about ‘what she said.’ (also old).
Judge people based on their clothes (As if I’m some fashionista who doesn’t look forward to going home to Chicago so I can buy sweaters at Wal-Mart).
Love tall men with beards. I know it’s that love-men-who-resemble-your-father thing and it grosses me out.
Set high standards for myself. At any given moment, I’m thinking I’m not doing enough. That helps a lot, I’m sure.
Worry about money. Also, not very helpful.
Press the snooze alarm so many times after convincing myself I only need ten minutes to get ready and then get to place of work looking like I got ready in ten minutes.
Tell myself I’ll email someone later and then have 100 emails to send and then feel overwhelmed and then whine about having too many friends and then feel like a self-absorbed bitch to have even said that I have too many friends and then email everybody with lackluster one-liners.
Want everything all at once. I want my family and career and bronze bust of myself in a city center for doing something spectacular. And I would like that all right now please. No need to wait or work for it. Not that I’m lazy. Just tired.
Fear germs. If someone goes next to my bed with street clothes on, I’ll cut a man. If he tries to wash a dish with a dirty sponge, I’ll cut a man twice.
Get haircuts on a whim. Every. Single. Time. And then I hate my hair. Every. Single. Day.
Try to take off my pants while I still have my shoes on. It’s not going to work this time. Even though I say it will.
Judge myself for doing these things. Because it’s okay. I’m weirdly normal even though I sometimes get stuck on the floor with my pants half off.