After an evening of country music at an 85th birthday party this weekend, I parked my car on Beverly Blvd. It was 11pm. I wouldn’t get out. I had driven 10 mph for the last 20 minutes… prolonging the drive as much as I could so I could just delay the entrance to my friend’s get-together. It wasn’t the fear of heading alone into a party that was causing such delay. Oh no… I would prefer if it were. Instead, it was the Nathan Lane/Short lady who does Lisa Simpon’s voice version of The Odd Couple. NPR was broadcasting, and I, entranced by the story, was glued to my car seat. Let me say it again: I was listening to a play on the radio. And I was enjoying it so much that I delayed my entrance to a party full of boys and alcohol. To listen to a play. I had just come from an 85th birthday, I was listening to a play on the radio, and I had even clipped a coupon out of the newspaper that morning.
ACT 1 had ended while I was driving, and I had gasped in fear because I couldn’t stand the suspense. Would Felix ever let go of his neurosis? Would that other guy ever get to go on a date? I couldn’t wait! I almost went to my trusty iPhone to find out, but good old NPR pulled through and began ACT 2 almost immediately. Phew. I’d broken a sweat of despair. But as I sat parked outside the party, I finally realized: I AM LISTENING TO A PLAY!
I decided I needed to enter said party instantly in order to salvage the bit of cool I had in me. So I deserted Felix and the other guy and marched right in… but things didn’t improve. The guest of honor had his sweater tied around his neck like a tennis pro. It went something like this:
ME: Nice sweater tied around your shoulders.
OTHER GUY: Yeah. You look like you’re straight out of Vampire Weekend.
ME: Oh, I’ve never seen that. Is it good?
OTHER GUY: Um, it’s a band.
ME: Oh.
Awkward silence.
ME: So… you ever listen to The Odd Couple?
It was then that I realized I’m not cool. I’m just not. I have no clue who is Vampire Weekend. I have no interest in looking up who is Vampire Weekend. And that is ok. I’m actually pretty cool with not being cool. I can’t even think of a synonym for ‘cool’ besides ‘hip.’ More evidence that I’m neither.
Now that it’s all out in the open, I might as well admit:
*I don’t like Radiohead. Sorry. I tried.
*I don’t have a TV (And I only stream episodes of Jersey Shore and 30 Rock).
*I wear skinny jeans but not because they’re in style. Strictly because they make my butt look better, which means I will be wearing them long after they are out of style. Sorry, future kids.
*I’m currently reading a book on how to harness the power of your chakras.
*I sometimes eat cereal in bed.
*I refuse to spend more than $50 on any article of clothing. Ok, more like $30.
*This is my favorite song of all time:
*I love socks with hearts on them.
*My favorite past time is finding grammatical errors on signs.
*I still need a bedtime story to fall asleep.
*I think bars are too loud. If you want to hang out, let’s go to dinner.
*I’d rather stay home and write/make something with construction paper/discuss the effect of ants on erosion than stand in line to get into a dance club.
*I do not understand anyone who spends a bunch of money on a designer purse.
*I sometimes think movies are a waste of time.
*I would not be able to recognize Justin Bieber if he sat next to me on a plane.
Just as I wrote ‘Justin Bieber,’ I realized that I have become my mother. Days before I turn 30 and it’s already happening. I am now just like the woman who watches TV at a volume so loud that deaf people in Texas can hear. But I think she’s cool. I’m the one person. So, it’s not so bad. Who’s down for some water aerobics?