humans are funny

Category: driving

  • OJ Simpson was in my yoga class this morning.


    I swear. I thought he was in jail, but my eyes insist it was him sweating it out in his Speedo next to me in hot yoga this morning.

    My, oh my! So much has happened since I’ve arrived on American soil. I left again and went to Canada. I got a paycheck, the first of 2009. I cooked risottos and eggplants and stews. I hung out with my family. I sneaked into a double-feature. I got manicures and pedicures and realized that the only thing that makes you feel like a girl again after a long year of feeling like a boy is a nice pair of 5-inch heels. I rode around town on my moped. I joined the fight against Iran’s Islamic Republic. I decided I’ll never get a dog. I went on a date. I ate dinner next to Mary-Kate or Ashley. I saw a piano recital. I noticed blogs to be quite narcissistic (what’s with all the “I”s?). I made a plan for the year and then yelled at myself for making plans. I dressed like a slutty clown. I met new friends. I met old friends again. I stayed in my pajamas for a whole week straight. I learned to appreciate my little hometown and its many fragrant trees. I found a cute little apartment in Venice Beach.

    New digs!

    It turns out starting life again is a bit more difficult than I thought. So I’ll be parking this page until I set up my new little desk in its new little spot on January 9th. And then you’ll be able to read about funny humans in Venice Beach or along Route 66. Yep, I just drove my car from LA to Chicago and now I’ll be driving it back. Hoping to spot some hummus plants or maybe even the Juice. Nah, I don’t really want to spot OJ again. If I see a celebrity on my drive, it better be someone good. Like Richard Simmons.

    Have a wonderful holiday season, or whatever they say. Thank you so much for making this past year really really special for me. Smell ya in 2010.

  • Day 5: Christians and horse motels

    9am Bid adieu to the family and head on out again. I am a woman of the road.

    10am Realize road trip blogs are not that interesting. Weigh the possibilities of skipping right to Chicago but decide to persevere. Sorry.

    11am Don’t even sneer as I pass George Bush freeway in Dallas. I’m very mature and accepting now.

    4pm Hit the Oklahoma rest stop for a map.

    4:10pm Overhear the rest area employees talking: “Sheila, try this. It’s hummus. Comes from the hummus plant.”

    4:32pm Buy peaches on the roadside from the gentlest woman alive.

    4:35pm Spot some hummus plants.

    5pm Cannot find a radio station not talking about Jesus. Listen to a hip DJ insist that if you’re lost and you need wisdom, you just need to wait and Jesus will give it to you. I want to say, ‘Why don’t you go ahead and get the knowledge yourself instead of waiting?’ Actually, I do say it, but she doesn’t hear.

    6:20pm Stop again at Walmart. Again, the only audio book for sale is Glen Beck’s. Still a no.

    6:22pm See a man too fat to walk using a Rascal. Realize I could be caught on the People of Walmart blog. Shake a leg.

    11pm Make it Joplin, MO before hitting my last hotel of the trip.

  • DAY 1: Burgers and asphalt

    America, here I come. I’m about to pummel across your highways and deserted roads. I’m going to count every grain of amber waves. And devour your spacious skies. With Scionito, my trusted Toyota Scion Xa, I will bust through your fruited plains and scale your purple majesties of mountains. I want to see all that you are. And fall in love with you again. You are my country. And we should enjoy each other. So, I will tread lightly through your variety of states. From Los Angeles to Chicago in seven days. Alone again. Free. Just me, the highway and Julieta Venegas (Not really her. Just her songs.). Haven’t driven in 8 months, but I’m ready to put my pedal to some floor mat.


    DAY 1:
    9am Finally get out of bed after four snoozes.

    10am Wash down mixed feelings of going home with a cappuccino and bagel (does not live up to recent French croissants).

    10:45am Write down directions from LA to Chicago on one tiny post-it.

    11:30am Pick a $60 parking ticket off my car window. Curse Los Angeles.

    11:55am Check blind spots as Catalina holds up her digits around the car. See them despite the wide load I’ve stuffed in the back.

    12pm Hit the 10E like lightning.

    1pm Famished after the hour drive. Stop for lunch.


    1:15pm Devour two In-n-Out cheeseburgers without meat. And a coke. Last Coke of my life. Swear. Man, this is a good lunch. I love big straws. Lordy, I love this meal.

    2:45pm Stomach is pissed. Fuck! I hate In-n-Out.

    3:00pm Thirty-eight miles to Palm Springs!

    3:38pm Stop to pee. LOVE not having to ask someone else to stop for a pee break. Wonder if I will ever be able to be in anyone’s company again or if I have just spent the year training myself to be alone forever.

    5:03pm Pee again!

    6:34pm Pee again. Just because I can.

    6:36pm Starting to think the cacti are waving at me. Wave back.


    9pm Use a coupon at the Holiday Inn in Casa Grande, AZ. Oh Yeah. Coupons! Can sense my mom smiling in her sleep all the way in Chicago. She can feel coupon usage. Especially at Kohl’s.

    9:15pm Compare Holiday Inn for $59 to $6 room in India. Not thaaaat much different. Everything just looks a little fresher, whiter, cleaner. The beds are more jump-worthy. Not 53 more dollars worthy.

    12:00am Fall asleep enjoying my journey. Remind myself to think of every day as a journey. If I don’t, it will all be over soon.