*Winter is actually great. Since you’re always wearing a coat while out, you never have to change your clothes or even change out of your pajama top. Comfort! And… weird smells.
*For my entire life, I’ve had a dyslexic ‘YMCA.’ My ‘C’ has been backwards. I’m shocked. I’ve been living a lie for so many years. Thankfully, nobody judges you on these things. Or do they? Maybe that’s the reason they called me Laurenne-with-the-backwards-C-in-the-YMCA-dance in junior high. Totally get it now.
*There’s nothing like people who knew you when you had braces. Getting together as thirty-year-olds is so much better than getting together as thirteen-year-olds. And not just because there’s alcohol. Since these chicks have woken up at my house with their heads on mice, they know me. There’s nothing better than a post-bar, 2am, trip to Walmart to buy diapers with old pals. It was amazing. And it was not because I got to gloat about not having to buy diapers. I legitimately liked seeing what my friends have to buy for their big families. Ok, yes, I did think about my bare cabinets and the lone parmesan in my fridge, but I did not think I was superior. Swear.
*It’s really not the best idea to try out your stand-up routine for your family as they sit down to dinner. Yeah. Jokes just aren’t the same when not told to a dark room full of drunks. Especially if they’re jokes about the death of your father who is also the the brother or uncle to most people at the table. That’s just awkward.
*We all wear glasses with different lenses. I’m sitting on a plane next to a Marine who’s telling me all about his knot training. It sounds so cool that I’m thinking about becoming a Marine. Then he tells me his salary. Definitely not becoming a Marine. I tell him I can only tie that one knot– the kind for nooses. (I don’t know why that’s the one I know. I just do, okay). He looks at me shocked. He can’t believe this white woman next to him just told him about how she can tie a noose. He’s a southern black guy. Oops. The crazy part is that the word ‘noose’ causes only visions of suicide for me. Same object. Completely different ways of seeing it. Hmmmm… It just got deep up in here.
*The airlines think we’re dumb. We are dumb. Because we have not yet revolted in response to charging for baggage. Even so, airlines, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen a seat belt before. I know they’re not exaaaactly like the ones in our cars, guys. But, we get it. We get the idea. You can stop showing us now.
*I don’t get Christmas decorations. Oh, there’s the plushy reindeer who guarded the tissues last year.
*I hate LA. I did my taxes to find that I’ve spent about a grand in LA traffic violations this year. A THOUSAND DOLLARS. Do you know how many diapers I could buy for my friends at Walmart with that? Not that I would (because I’m selfish and vain and I’d spend it on laser hair removal). $530 just because that “camera” said I blew a light? What does he know? It was self-defense.
*It doesn’t matter what you say to that guy in the mall. He will always want to polish your nails. My mom and I tried ‘No, thanks’ at first. Then we lied, ‘We already have a nail buffer.’ In response to his unrelenting persistence, we also tried to blurt out ‘vagina’, ‘poodle’ and ‘avian flu.’ And he still wanted to buff a nice sheen on our digits. So… we did what we had to do. And now my mom might have to go to jail. It was self-defense.