humans are funny

Category: learning

  • What I learned on my Christmas break:


    *Winter is actually great. Since you’re always wearing a coat while out, you never have to change your clothes or even change out of your pajama top. Comfort! And… weird smells.

    *For my entire life, I’ve had a dyslexic ‘YMCA.’ My ‘C’ has been backwards. I’m shocked. I’ve been living a lie for so many years. Thankfully, nobody judges you on these things. Or do they? Maybe that’s the reason they called me Laurenne-with-the-backwards-C-in-the-YMCA-dance in junior high. Totally get it now.

    *There’s nothing like people who knew you when you had braces. Getting together as thirty-year-olds is so much better than getting together as thirteen-year-olds. And not just because there’s alcohol. Since these chicks have woken up at my house with their heads on mice, they know me. There’s nothing better than a post-bar, 2am, trip to Walmart to buy diapers with old pals. It was amazing. And it was not because I got to gloat about not having to buy diapers. I legitimately liked seeing what my friends have to buy for their big families. Ok, yes, I did think about my bare cabinets and the lone parmesan in my fridge, but I did not think I was superior. Swear.

    *It’s really not the best idea to try out your stand-up routine for your family as they sit down to dinner. Yeah. Jokes just aren’t the same when not told to a dark room full of drunks. Especially if they’re jokes about the death of your father who is also the the brother or uncle to most people at the table. That’s just awkward.

    *We all wear glasses with different lenses. I’m sitting on a plane next to a Marine who’s telling me all about his knot training. It sounds so cool that I’m thinking about becoming a Marine. Then he tells me his salary. Definitely not becoming a Marine. I tell him I can only tie that one knot– the kind for nooses. (I don’t know why that’s the one I know. I just do, okay). He looks at me shocked. He can’t believe this white woman next to him just told him about how she can tie a noose. He’s a southern black guy. Oops. The crazy part is that the word ‘noose’ causes only visions of suicide for me. Same object. Completely different ways of seeing it. Hmmmm… It just got deep up in here.

    *The airlines think we’re dumb. We are dumb. Because we have not yet revolted in response to charging for baggage. Even so, airlines, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen a seat belt before. I know they’re not exaaaactly like the ones in our cars, guys. But, we get it. We get the idea. You can stop showing us now.

    *I don’t get Christmas decorations. Oh, there’s the plushy reindeer who guarded the tissues last year.

    *I hate LA. I did my taxes to find that I’ve spent about a grand in LA traffic violations this year. A THOUSAND DOLLARS. Do you know how many diapers I could buy for my friends at Walmart with that? Not that I would (because I’m selfish and vain and I’d spend it on laser hair removal). $530 just because that “camera” said I blew a light? What does he know? It was self-defense.

    *It doesn’t matter what you say to that guy in the mall. He will always want to polish your nails. My mom and I tried ‘No, thanks’ at first. Then we lied, ‘We already have a nail buffer.’ In response to his unrelenting persistence, we also tried to blurt out ‘vagina’, ‘poodle’ and ‘avian flu.’ And he still wanted to buff a nice sheen on our digits. So… we did what we had to do. And now my mom might have to go to jail. It was self-defense.

  • Lessons from someone who knows stuff.

    I’ve always wanted to know stuff.
    Unfortunately, I don’t.
    I mean, I know stuff… But it seems I’m one of those jacks of all trades and masters of none. I hate it. It irks me. I want to be the expert witness they call to the stand to verify something only my keen eye could verify. Or the specialist they call to get a witty and informative quote for a magazine article.

    But so far, nobody has needed an expert in the art of plucking ingrown hairs from my leg or in making log houses out of spray-painted straws, two areas in which I’ve been known to excel.
    So I’ve been patiently learning a teeny bit each day, cradling the hope that this new knowledge will eventually congeal and become something.

    The trip was quite a something. I met lots of knowledge as I skipped around continents. I’m still no expert in any area, but I learned a lot. About life and people and humanity. And I decided to share it. Here you have it… words of wisdom from someone who kinda knows some stuff.

    I learned…

    …that all people are the same no matter where they were born. Really. We all judge, love, die, urinate, eat, hope. We’re all yearning to be better. Some of us wake up to alarms and some of us to roosters. But, really, we are all the same.

    …that most religions are the same. They each answer that annoying question about what happens after life and are based on being good. Really. Hindus, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Mormons, Jains…. I heard each of their spiels and was shocked at the similarities. To me, it’s like choosing a basketball team.

    …how to say no… how to have an opinion… how to ask for what I want. When those in the tourism industry are eyeing you like a lion licking his lips, you better ask them to throw in a Taj Mahal snow globe. You’re paying for it anyway.

    …that we are all so lucky and we don’t know it. Advertising and society make us think we need more and more and more and that this more has to be from a certain designer. But, really, we don’t need much at all. I think it’s crazy that some kids in the West cry because they want Elmo for Christmas and some kids in the East cry because they want more than rice for dinner. Crazy!

    …that traveling alone for a long period of time is like turning off your life. No bills. No phone. No commitments. No job. Nobody you know. Nothing to do but listen to yourself. I think it’s something that everyone needs to experience.

    …that my body is not infallible. Damn! I am athletic and never thought I would feel like I couldn’t do anything. But F! My feet and knees were used to sleeping under my desk. Then I made them get lost around unknown cities for 9 whole months. They hate me.

    …that I love writing this blog. Love it! I received encouragements and emails from so many strangers and old friends and worried parents and pissed off Malaysians. I can’t describe the feeling of knowing people are rooting for you. It’s amazing. And I thank you all so very much for being there with me. I will continue writing about how humans in the US are funny, especially the ones in advertising or the ones that interview me for jobs for which I have no business applying.

    …that the people who stamp passports take their jobs way too seriously.

    …that I’ve deprived myself way too much. Before the trip, I would never think of ordering dessert. Now I not only order it, I eat it slowly, and enjoy every single bite. I’m so lucky to have the privilege.

    …to look around! I couldn’t believe that the tribes living in the Papua New Guinean mountains didn’t realize their homes were swathed in absolute beauty. But as I was telling this to someone, she pointed to Venice beach, a place that I take for granted. I saw a cluster of palm trees and it all became so clear.

    …that the best times come from the experiences you were most reluctant to have. So now I try to say yes to everything. I try not to let fear be a factor in any decision. Ever.

    …to master Sudoku puzzles. What a great way to sharpen the brain fibers.

    …that being away from everyone you know forces you to see everyone you know in a new light. I feel closer to many of my friends and family now than I did before I left.

    …that everyone’s priorities are different and that’s ok. We’re all just different but neither is better or worse.

    …to trust myself. Standing by a decision and not looking back saves loads of anxiety.

    …to ask questions. People love to answer. It’s the best way to meet.

    Here’s a sunset to help you contemplate.