This guy hates me.
Oh no. I’m a horrible American. Today was the day specifically set aside for remembering fallen soldiers, and I totally dropped the ball. I saw a dog wearing a yellow ribbon plus several girls in American flag bikinis, and still I did not at all say or think about my fellow patriots who gave their lives so I could frolic freely on the beach or cower at my desk, freaking out about what to write next.
I should be fired from America. But, then again, I’m simply sticking to the new age values I learned last year, which include living in the moment. I try to spend some of the day really concentrating on not thinking of the past or future. Memories are dangerous. They can be good. Like when you’re mad at your friend and you remember the time in 1992 when she lent you her brand new see-through blouse from Contempo Casuals. In times like those, memories mean forgiveness.
But then there are the other times. The times when memory means pain and embarrassment:
1. In mid conversation. When you’re talking to a coworker about how much you hate the name ‘Siobhan’ because you just don’t get it and can’t figure out how to even say it. And then the ol’ memory chimes in to tell you that the coworker’s daughter is…yep… Siobhan. Note: This also occurs when gossiping about gay people or being racist.
2. During sex. You’re almost there. Everything’s going swimmingly, and then you remember you have an 8am conference call the next morning. Don’t even kid yourself. Just get up right then and start ironing your outfit.
3. When it’s too late. You remember using the stove this morning. But you can’t really remember if you turned it off. But you’re already in your office parking lot and can’t go back. So you worry about it all day. Thanks a lot, Memory.
4. Comparisons. You’re with your new boyfriend at the movies. He doesn’t drink sodas, and he’s brought some almonds and granola to snack on. This is why you like him. He’s healthy. And can plan ahead. But you find yourself dwelling on the memory of your ex boyfriend who used to get a big Cherry Coke with two straws and a box of Dots and popcorn that he would pair up with the Dots and you would fight over the green ones and, man, those were the days. And you kinda want to text him from the bathroom.
5. Unexpectedly. You’re driving down Sunset Boulevard and you see an ad for a movie starring Robert Duval, who was your grandma’s favorite. And you reach for the phone to call her before you realize it’s been two years since she died. And you’re suddenly spilling tears all over your car and yelling ‘Why? Why? Why?’ to your steering wheel.
6. When it’s creepy. You remember meeting this girl at a party years ago, and you go say hi but she doesn’t remember you at all, which is totally fine because you look like a lot of people and that can sometimes be confusing. Unfortunately, you remember everything, and you say, “You had just gotten your appendix out when we met…. How’s that going? And how about those cooking classes? Did you finish those? Oh, and you mentioned something about your mother not respecting you. Have you resolved that issue with her?” You’re the weirdo for having a good memory. (Rahul does this all the time, which is why I’m scared to tell him anything about myself.)
7. Upon inconvenience. You remember something so good and juicy and hilarious that you must write it down, but you don’t have a pen. And you promise yourself you’re going to remember this later but you rarely do. This case is most prevalent with jokes and names of people you are supposed to email.
When memory doesn’t show up, it’s bad as well– its lack often proving quite inconvenient: You want to sound really smart but you can’t remember a big vocabulary word. You forget to take your lunch to work even though you left it right in front of the door so you wouldn’t forget to take it. You can’t remember someone’s name after you’ve already sat at a dinner table with him for hours, and the time threshold of re-asking has already passed.
It’s a frightening enigma, memory is. And I take the stand that Americans should not mess with memorializing. I think it’s plain rude that our country would ask us to delve into our memories on a day like today. Today is not for remembering. Today is for letting the world know that it’s now okay to wear white. So, go forth. In white pants and white tunics and white socks. And think not about the past. Unless the recent past includes you painting a bench. You should definitely remember if you just painted a bench so that you don’t go about ruining your new white pants.