Category: Uncategorized

I am back due to an overwhelming number of letters and hate phone calls.

Ok, I’m lying. I don’t think anybody noticed I was gone for a week, but they will soon, as I have many hilarious tales from my high school reunion. Coming soon…

WHAT? No!
Asian lady #1: What is the stupidest thing we can get Americans to do?
Asian lady #2: Mmmm…. let’s see if we can get them to eat their own feces.
Asiah lady #1: Nah. That would get gross for us.
Asian lady #2: Let’s see if we can get them to have fish eat their foot skin.
Asian lady #1: Phung, you are hilarious!
Asian lady #2: I think they’ll actually do it if we open a salon.
Asian lady #1: No way. I’ll bet you an ugly, 80s-inspired painting of a foot to hang in the salon.
Asian lady #2: Done! You’re going down! I love ugly paintings of feet!

Today at my advertising job, I heard someone say, “Don’t worry. Of course we’ll make it look much better than it really is.”

At first I thought this asshole’s friends played a joke on him by defacing his dorky Mustang. But after close inspection, I discerned that Douchey McDouche (who works in my corporate office building and looks like Vanilla Ice) used an Exacto and a ruler to ensure that BOTH sides of his shiny convertible would read ‘MUSBANG’. Sick. Who must he bang? I can only imagine very dumb pre-teens who are impressed by Bluetooth sets and hair gel. Next time I’m forced into the elevator with this lame-o, I plan to tell him I’m looking for a man who likes to bang. And when he hangs up his Blackberry and pushes the emergency stop button, I plan to rip off his nipples and sew them to his eyes.

Since when is the post office giving the gift of life? What great news! Did they open a life-giving line? If so, I bet you have to wait a long time to get a life. And I bet if you’re waiting in that line, there aren’t any pens. I wonder if they give you a life and then they ask you if you’d like any stamps.