I’m in Spain! I’m here to work on my Master’s thesis, which is about perfectionism, a disease I contracted long ago. If something I do isn’t done perfectly (speak Spanish), I get mad at myself. At least I used to. Now I’ve been working on it for two years, so I’m getting better. Look, I’ll even spell a word wierdly and leave it just like that.
Before Spain, the country of my dad’s family, my mom and I hit up Poland and Italy, the countries of her parents. It’s been an Adventure in Ancestry, a Raucus Ride into our Roots. We didn’t meet any actual ancestors though. I imagined fat Italian ladies pinching our cheeks and forcing five courses down our delicate American throats. Okay, that did happen, but they weren’t our relatives. Ancestry.com claims to be a gateway to long-lost family members, but it really just shows you records from before they had computers. While it is cool to see my grandpa’s signature on the Ellis Island register from 1937, those documents did not lead me to long lost cousins who would take me in, invite me to Ibiza, and leave me huge inheritances. I hate Ancestry.com.
Still, our trip did help us understand from where we come and why we are who we are. And after fifteen days with my mom, we were still alive. FIFTEEN days STRAIGHT after living apart for fourteen years. That’s a feat. We actually had a great time, and we learned a lot of deep things about each other like we both hate tomato seeds. She’s been back to the comfort of her own sofa and her non-spotty internet for over a week now (besides that whole storm/lack of electricity thing), which means I’ve been alone for over a week.
Being the detail-oriented perfectionist that I am, I had a list of things I was planning to get to the moment my mom swept herself back to the land of dollars. I always have a to-do list. There’s never not something to do, to write, to finish, to email, to edit, to study, to read. Since the last time I traveled in 2009, I’ve been glued to lists. And meetings. And traffic. And things and things to do.
When she left, I cried. Then I pulled out my list: Send postcards. Talk to strangers. Walk around the city. Write a book or two. Come up with a million-dollar business plan. Fall in love. Email all the people I’ve been wanting to email forever. The yoozch. The yush? The ush? The usz?
But something came up, and it’s something I’ve never done before. It’s something everyone has always told me to try, but I’ve never let myself try it for fear it would interfere with my perfectionism. It’s called: Nothing. I AM DOING NOTHING. Nothing. This is the first time I’ve written something in weeks. I haven’t peeped at an email. I’m only half writing this because I’m also watching the most fascinating Spanish game show (Joder! Tienen los mejores game shows aqui!). I’m waking up at 11am. ELEVEN! I’m taking baths for so long that my fingers actually have grown prunes on them. And when I get tired of the bath, I walk to the beach. And when I get sick of the beach, I sit at a restaurant and watch people make me food. I talk little. I wear the same thing every day. I sit silently. I didn’t even move when a huge cockroach flew through my window.
From afar, one might think I’m depressed. I probably look like someone’s just died or like I’ve just escaped a violent relationship. But I’m simply in shock. I can’t believe how great it feels to do nothing. I don’t have a TV in my apartment in America because I feel like it interferes with my productivity. And now I’ve put everything off so I can stay in and watch a semi-less trashy Spanish version of Maury Provich. It’s so good (But I don’t understand why that one guy’s long lost sister didn’t come on the show! Doesn’t she want to know her biological family? I would definitely do the show if such a nice invitation in such a big envelope arrived for me– duh, hermana!).
I’m totally letting myself not DO, and it feels pretty fucking great. It also means I’m not perfectly finishing everything I’ve set out to do. But whatever. Maybe that means I’m finally cured and I can come home. I have a whole lot of American TV to catch up on.
::I hope everyone’s out doing something patriotic today on this very special day of Independence. I passed a Burger King today!::