I wrote a post about a recent interview gone wrong, but I have decided not to post it because interview dialogue is just not funny to anyone else no matter how awkwardly great it was at the time. Even when the interviewer asks you what you might bring to the table if hired, sits in awkward silence after your pathetic answer, and then hangs up on you. Even if he pressures you to ask him a question and you can only think to ask him what he’s wearing, it’s still not really that funny.
So, here I am thinking of what else I could possibly write about. There are a million possibilities due to the endless entertaining things I’m doing in my life right now. Like, just a few hours ago, I ate a vegan corn dog. It was so fun. What are those made of and why do I eat them? I can’t answer that. But I do know what’s in ratatouille. It’s vegetables.
After that wonderful mysterious fake meat product on a stick, I procrastinated by watching Millionaire Matchmaker. I’ve never seen it before, but it was under Most Popular on Hulu, and I really wanted to not think about anything for a minute, as my brain is filled with work and work and more work. I ended up thinking about lip injections and scary women, which proved my point that TV is pointless.
Then, I researched Medieval Times because I can never really spell ‘medieval’ without trying really hard, so I think it would serve me well to go. It’s $57.50. Man, is this post informative. You’re welcome.
After the intense finding of information on Medieval Times, I decided on my Halloween costume for next year. Yes, it will be slutty because that’s how we do on H-Ween. Next year I will strap on some bombs and be a whore-ish suicide bomber. Political yet sexy = genius. Plus, I’m sure extremists would really get a kick out of seeing a promiscuous version of one of their own. Hilarious, right Jihadists?
Mostly what I’ve been doing lately is freezing. I don’t understand how California maintains this reputation for having such great weather. I might be taken out by the California Department of Tourism for letting the secret out of the bag, but I feel like I must reveal the truth: It’s fucking cold here. I’m talking winter coats, nose is frozen, hands turning blue at work, heat on all the time COLD. Really. Really. Cold.
Maybe it’s the temperature or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t really own any sweaters or winter coats. That’s because I live in Southern California, and after being here on and off for twelve years, I still can’t admit to myself that it gets cold here. I guess I should buy a sweater. Or a parka. What exactly is a parka?
I also would like to come clean about Thanksgiving. I cooked. I ate. I relaxed by the fireplace. But I totally forgot to honor or even think about the Native Americans. Shit. I feel horribly. Sorry for taking away all your land and spreading diseases and killing off your food sources and stuffing you on reservations, guys. Someone should really do something about that.
As you can see, I have a lot of fascinating things going on, so I really can’t write much more now.
There are vegan corn dogs to be had, everyone. Vegan corn dogs!
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You had me laughing out loud! Nice apology to the Native Americans. Those white people took it ONE STEP TOO FAR when they brought all of those disease. Stupid white people.
Meat on a stick!! Where the hell have I been??? I know not of this mysterious meat.
Medieval Times is $60? They must be recession-proof.
This is not fair. I can't go as a slutty suicide bomber. People will think I'm actually going to blow the place up. And I'll have to shave my legs. That could be weird.
You know who I loathe? Those people that always wear shorts in LA even though it's cold. you're not proving anything to anyone buddy. We know you're freezing or coach a high school football team. Lose the act. Put on some pants.
Fingers too cold to type? Do what a survival expert suggested while I was freezing in my sleeping bag in a snowcave. Masturbate. It can save your life.
post the interview!
Corndog = neither corn, nor dog, correct?
I managed not to have one the whole time while I was in the USA, but bloody hell, I saw them advertised on TV and thought they looked like arse.
I went on a job interview in D.C. 10 years ago to be an editorial assistant at a magazine that covers the real estate industry. The boss rejected me, but not before giving me the back-handed compliment of calling me "perfect on paper."
Last week, the boss "friended" me on LinkedIn.
Don't write off that interviewer just yet. In about a decade, your life will get so amazingly awesome.
a parka is a poofy coat. one that doesn't have any business in los angeles. truth: i have one. here. in los angeles. why? because i'm in on the secret. it is REALLY COLD in southern california. totally over it. ps- the interviewer hung up on you? wow that's so awesome. people can really shock me sometimes. when i said awesome i meant it in a totally sarcastic way. did you know they say sarcasm is a defense mechanism? why would i feel the need to defend myself around this post? see ya, gotta go turn up the heater or put my face in my cat's fur to warm up my nose.
I once conducted an interview where the interviewee fell asleep as I was asking my questions. Or he was losing consciousness. Is it messed up that I never found which one?
I went to a music festival this summer and had my first-ever veggie corn dog (don't think it was vegan) and OMG it was so good!!! I've never had a regular corn dog but if a veggie one tasted that good, a regular one would probably make my mouth explode with pleasure. Here is a link to that blog post with a picture of the veggie dog.
um, so you are hilarious. and dude, vegan corn dogs are ah-mazing. and it IS to damn cold to write about anything meaningful…
http://laurenlanzaosias.blogspot.com
change will do you good…
So depressed to hear that it's cold in California. That's like telling me there's no Santa.
B
The Middle Ages
I walked out of my apartment this morning to 6 inches of snow and 7 degrees with the wind chill. That's December in Toronto for ya!
Scratching California off my list off winter vacation spots! (I won't tell them you let the cat out of the bag)
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