Living is supposed to be hard. We are supposed to tend the land all day and hunt and gather and make fire by rubbing sticks together. But now there are drive-thrus. And bagel slicers. And canned corn. And Lunchables. Cows and pigs are cut up and packaged. Lemons and apples are picked by some underpaid dude and squeezed conveniently for us. We sometimes “find the time” to grab ingredients at the store, but if we want to cook them into a meal there are five-minute recipes and microwaves and Tupperware. Hunting and gathering has conveniently become unwrapping and nuking.
Life has become too easy.
And we’re bored.
We don’t realize we’re bored because we have calendars and meetings and projects that MUST get done. RIGHT NOW. So many things to do. But compared to how we used to live, we have plenty of time on our hands. Too much. And so, we invent things to do: Hobbies, activities, stuff, priorities that convince us they are of utmost importance. Here are some funny things humans do:
We go back to school – Why not get another degree? It avoids committing to any career and you get a student discount at art stores and movie theaters.
We have meetings – We love getting together to talk about procedures and, in corporate spots, there’s nothing greater than having meetings about meetings. Lots of times, meetings happen over lunch and we get to eat pre-packaged sandwiches for free. Those are most people’s favorite meetings.
We go shopping – Usually the first thing we do on a weekend or a trip to a new city, we buy so many unnecessary things. A 20th pair of shoes. A new coffee table when our old one is just fine. I choose to shop at discount stores. I buy clothes for $3 or $4 and never wear them. But I have a closet full of ugly shirts if anyone needs one.
We go sky diving – We jump out of planes and occasionally die from this, but it looks fun.
We watch TV – We spend hours upon hours each night watching other people be fake.
We play video games – We spend hours upon hours pretending we’re other people and being fake.
We look in the mirror – We analyze our own bodies, deem them unacceptable, and then either remain unhappy with ourselves, run in place for an hour a day, or pay someone to either cut fat off of our loins or insert bags of silicone into our chests.
We eat – They say not to eat with our mouths full, but we love to go to dinner with other people and talk. We try not to talk with our mouths full during this time, but it proves difficult, especially if we have a point to get across. If we want to get together just to get together, that doesn’t seem to make sense. Humans MUST get together over food, coffee, or alcoholic beverages. We also like to eat when we’re not out at dinner. We just grab some popcorn or crackers and eat while we’re watching TV. We’re also fat.
We go camping – We like to pretend we don’t have all of our conveniences for a while, so we go to the woods and sleep in the wilderness. Usually, though, we bring lots of gourmet cheeses and alcohols so that it’s not really that different from our normal living conditions. Except the bathrooms. We think we’re really roughing it when we have to pee and poo in a hole. During those times, we like to leave little crumpled toilet papers on the ground so everyone can see that we just either peed or pooed in a hole.
We go dancing – Some of us go to dance clubs. We like to get pumped up with substances that give us bravery and then we wear short skirts and dance seductively until men come up and bump up against us. Sometimes we exchange numbers with these people and then meet them outside of the club to take those same substances and bump against each other in a bed.
We go hiking – This is just walking but with specialty shoes and cameras and bottled water.
We go on cruises – We spend a lot of money to take a ship that doesn’t seem like a ship to an island where we are only allowed to disembark for a few short hours because we have to get back on the moving hotel so we can overeat.
We get angry – We love to let little things bother us. Politics. Coworkers. Ants. The new book return policy at the library. Then, we complain over and over to our family members about how unfair these things are.
We do drugs – We pay a ton of money to snort a substance and make our minds forget about all the things we have to do and all the things that make us angry.
We masturbate – We make our own bodies quiver while we scream out “Daddy! I want Orange Julius!” This one is totally acceptable and actually is of utmost importance.
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The very PHOTO of that Lunchable just gave me high blood pressure. This is so unfair.
Seriously… what is that meat made of? I vote half pig feet and half Necco wafers.
I think I just puked in my mouth a little bit.
Well, everyone knows that pressed meats are mostly made of snouts and anuses, but those “coins”, as they’re probably called, seem to include tiny, delightful lard pockets. As for the other stuff, what I think is supposed to pass for cheese seems to be a melange of melted plastic, butter, and small post-it notes. The crackers are made of partially hydrogenated sadness.
hahaha. I have eaten tons of partially hydrogenated sadness in my day. Causes some serious heartburn.
I’m finding it hard to concentrate now that I’ve seen that Lunchable pic.
I found that pic online. I love how it is just sitting on concrete. Lunchables don’t even deserve a table.
I went to a concert once and as we were walking through the parking lot, we came across a small pile of empty Lunchable containers and empty beers. It was both the saddest, yet most hilarious sight to see.
Loved the photo. We do internet! We write stories and blogs. We think about taboos.We love Laurenne for writing all these ideas to pass away are boredom,
It’s true. Blogging and Facebook= both activities I tell myself I CANNOT live without. It’s a lie. I could be shopping and masturbating instead.
I’m glad to know that it was boredom that caused me to jump from that plane. Because I really thought it was because my husband (who is chicken about roller coasters) wanted to jump and I (who am not chicken about roller coasters) was really, really petty and could not let him out do me. Really glad to know I was just bored, rather than petty:)
I’m not saying that you, yourself, were bored at the time. Just humans in general. But you were definitely not petty. No, not at all. I only see courage and protection in that story.
What exactly is an Orange Julius? I need an explanation on this phenomenon and why it’s always a go to joke for a place in the mall. I’ve never seen one of those places. I’m just imagining Julius Caesar with a tan as the mascot.
I’ve never been camping, but I think it would be great to do on drugs. Just to combine some things. Also for men you can add “to have sex” after each one of those subjects.
We go shopping “to have sex”
We look in a mirror “to have sex”
We go on cruises “to have sex”
The masturbate one doesn’t work as well cause it defeats the purpose of having the sex. Even though maybe that can take its place. Perhaps I’ve said too much.
Hello, Freud.
I agree. We do do everything to have sex. Even go on cruises. Once my mom and I met a father/son combo on a cruise through the Bahamas. Nothing happened though because we were busy overeating to get it on. Plus, that would have been awkward since there were bunk beds.
I had a lot of sex when I went on a cruise. Mainly because I’m kind of a slut.
I just emailed this to almost everyone I know. This is absolutely hilarious and SPOT ON!
Good one.
PS: I suck at keeping in touch and coming to your shows…let’s hang out again soon, please?
Do you really think I’m fat?
Great. Now I’m gonna have to have an eating disorder. Again!
I don’t do most of the activities you listed. But I’m not really human. I mean, my avatar is a cat. This can’t come as a surprise.
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