I used to think I was so mature for my age. In high school, I felt so much older than all my friends. I knew I was the only one who could be trusted to make really important decisions like choosing which Snapple would taste best with the Absolut Peppar someone stole. When they didn’t listen to me, I would scream and swear at them all. I’m really not sure how I had any friends.
My actual lack of maturity is most evident when reminiscing about my senior trip to Cancun. All I cared about was roasting myself to the perfect shade of mahogany and getting wasted. The routine was: Spend all day drinking beer bongs on the white sand. Spend all night dancing and meeting guidos in the clubs.
This vacation in Utila, Honduras is a little different.
Not only is it 9pm and I’m already in bed, I also don’t really like mahogany anymore. On Saturday, I decided to relax at the beach for a few hours to read a book in the sun (read: roast myself to a mahogany shade, but don’t tell because then the ‘I’m so different’ thing doesn’t work). I stopped at a local eatery to try a Honduran specialty (la baleada). It’s like a quesadilla but with beans instead of cheese. Thumbs up.
A pair of local guys pulled up and ordered beers, talking about the rapture. I knew right away I wouldn’t make it to the beach and get a tan. And I didn’t care (Okay, now I’m different. It works again.).
According to these Utilan islanders, their families were part of the original Irish settlers to the island in 1840. One looked straight out of Good Will Hunting, a Bostonian with a fitted cap. Super white. The other was round and dark, a big smile missing its two front teeth. They both spoke English with an islander accent, almost Jamaican-sounding. The guy with the missing teeth told me he’s a dentist, and I settled in for a long and joyful conversation.
Toothless Dentist: The world is not going to end tonight. No way. Some American is spreading lies again.
American Looking Dude: An American?! Of course it’s an American. They’re idiots. All Americans are idiots. Hey miss, where you from?
Me: Spain.
Toothless Dentist: I know the rapture is not today because my religion says there is no date. I’m 7th Day Adventist, and the truth is that there was once a rapture scheduled for October 22, 1844 and everybody got ready for it. And on that night, the moon started to bleed and all the stars fell from the sky.
He’s getting really animated.
Toothless Dentist: All the stars just fell to the earth and the sky was totally black with only the bloody moon. And then, nothing happened. No rapture. It was a day of disappointment. And the next day, everyone who felt tricked started this new religion: 7th Day Adventist. And we don’t believe in any dates.
Fascinating. Most of the islanders here are 7th Day Adventists, and it’s nice to understand what they might be talking about in one of the myriad of churches here. But somehow we got to talking about science. And that’s when Mr. Toothless Dentist lost some of his credibility.
Toothless Dentist: There’s no such thing as dinosaurs. That’s all bullshit.
American Looking Dude Who Hates Americans: Yeah. Stupid dinosaurs.
Toothless Dentist: I found a skeleton once. It was very old. I could tell it was a teenage boy. But I couldn’t tell how long it had been buried. There’s no way they can tell how old dinosaur bones are. Millions of years! That’s ridiculous.
He laughs and laughs.
Me: I think they use a process called carbon dating.
Toothless Dentist: Carbonation! I’ll tell you about Carbonation! Carbonation happened when the flood came. Noah’s flood. There was so much water that came from God that it squished everything down.
He pretends to squish the Earth with his hands and scrunches his face for emphasis.
Toothless Dentist: That flood destroyed everything. Nothing was left. Not a thing. Not a bone. So, that’s why I know there’s no such thing as those dinosaurs that they say are millions of years old. Because there’s no such thing as evidence of anything that is over 4000 years old. It was all destroyed.
Me: So… You think the earth is only 4000 years old?
Toothless Dentist: I know it is. I know the truth. And you can know the truth too if you just accept Jesus. What do you do?
Me: I’m a writer.
Toothless Dentist: Don’t write about me.
I love that this man based everything on the night the moon bled but thought saving the date for a rapture was ludicrous.
And then it dawned on me that we all think everyone’s beliefs are so crazy when they differ from our own. I thought those guys were crazy. They thought Harold Camping was crazy. And if they’d have asked me my beliefs (reincarnation), they would have thought I was crazy too. And sometimes I do as well– we come back over and over again? Sounds like something invented for people who can’t let go.
The lesson is: We’re all crazy. Even you guys, atheists. To think that this is all for nothing also sounds pretty iffy. In actuality, whatever happens after we die probably IS crazy. But we shouldn’t judge another’s crazy ideas when we’re all just grasping onto whatever crazy makes us feel better.
Except… that rapture thing was pretty stupid.
And… That flood thing is bullshit.
I’d also like to note that, just to be safe, I looked up carbon dating when I got home. It sounds legit. Not as legit as flood carbonation, but almost.
Comments
14 responses to “It’s okay, Triceratops. I believe in you”
I love you.
Ditto!
These guys are from out of this world. Loved the toothless dentist. I can only imagine what his patients look like. You couldn’t make up this story if you tried. Love your adventures. Love you.
Thanks, Madge! He told me that most of his patients also have no teeth. That’s his specialty: invisible teeth. Invented by Noah.
Man, we did post too late. We’re amateurs. Have we learned nothing?
I cannot ever imagine you doing a beer bong. Let alone several. Let alone a thousand. Previous lives are fun! “Americans are idiots, where are you from?” “Spain” made me guffaw. That’s another word for the lol’ing thing.
I still haven’t seen an alive dinosaur so I’m inclined to believe your new best friends. We all should believe in something or else what’s the point? Right? I don’t know. Sounded good in my brains.
Fine. Believe the toothless dentist. I believe that soon you will have no teeth. Soon.
Toothless dentist? Fine. Today I’ll be a wordless writer. Wish me luck.
Best of luck! I hope you make as much money as the toothless dentist, which he says is a lot.
I didn’t know you believed in reincarnation. Have you considered Scientology as a religion? My brother told me with absolute conviction the other day (after I related a nightmare I’d had about being a pirate) that he used to be a pirate in one of his past lives and he loved it.
He was, apparently, a really good pirate and that was the favorite of his past lives that he remembers.
He was a good pirate!? I might have fought him. I don’t know if I was a pirate, but maybe. I was definitely a black man. That’s all I know. It’s because I have a big penis now. Not really. But I definitely know.
esta bien, mi amiga :)
I’m pretty sure Esha has come back to life as a red tail hawk. And Einstein was reincarnated into my dad, I wonder what he is now.
Whoa whoa whoa. Clearly the Toothless Dentist has never seen Jurassic Park. That would help him believe.
I’m going to create my own religion, and everybody will love it, and then, because I created it, I’ll be able to come back as some sort of God and see how people are doing with my religion. Everybody will eat ice cream.
Very Interesting read :) and you are right we all believe in things that make us feel better irrespective of how that idea may sound crazy to other people. So we need to learn to respect other people’s opinion on sensitive issues like religion.
Keep up the good work. :)
Steve