Author: laurenne

  • I am Michael Jackson…

    but not in an 80s, sparkly glove kinda way. In a freakazoid, germaphobe kinda way. That’s right, I have been traipsing around Saigon in… a mask. I am one of those people. It’s not for shielding my delicate skin from the sun, which is why most Vietnamese women choose to wear masks. It is because the air here is 20% oxygen, 14% glue, 60% gasoline, and 27% kryptonite. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to be anywhere near a door. And, actually, I have been meeting heaps more men this way! I have a date with Mohammed tonight and another hottie, Hadi bin Abu Musab, tomorrow.


  • I’m really popular in Asia.

    I met Carmen from Madrid in Hanoi, and we sampled Vietnam’s exotic fruits and strong coffee. Then I met a local friend, Hien, and she bought me a cone of Hanoi’s speciality ice cream from a place the tourists have not yet found. The next morning, I got on a boat and met a middle-aged pair from France, a Canadian-born Vietnamese couple, and an art director from London. Oh, and a girl from Michigan with her boyfriend from Cairns. We visited a sacred pagoda and held each other up under the massive local crowds swarming the place for good luck. On another boat the following day, I met Lee from Australia, Amelie from Paris, Michael from Germany, Guy and Henry from London, a dude from Croatia, and two wonky Irishmen who had recently been shot in Nigeria. We sailed through karsts and met 4 blondes and a guy from Holland and three barely-clothed Australian chicks. We all went dancing together. The next day, we went for a hungover hike and met a chica from Spain and a guy who couldn’t really say where he was from since he‘d moved so many times. Michael, the German, and I decided to travel together when we met a hilarious Greek couple. We spent a few nights zipping around on motorbikes and getting lost with the Greeks. But the three of them moved on while I stayed in Hue and met Tinh, a Vietnamese Buddhist who took me to meet some monks. The next day, I met up with Sarah from New Hampshire (who I knew from Los Angeles), Heidi from South Africa, one chick from Australia and another from Holland. We went out for dinner and met a pair of Canadians and a cute Japanese girl from Seattle. The next night, we found ourselves dancing under the stars with a Chilean drunk, a San Franciscan restauranteur, and a litter of Frenchies. I headed back to the monks and met Chetan from India who just moved to Hue from Singapore and is paying $30/month in rent! I finally arranged to be alone for a night when I met Ronny, an Indian living in Los Angeles. We had lunch, and he ordered me to eat the plate’s garnish because children are starving in Africa. I immediately hopped on a bus to Nha Trang, where I was suddenly roommates with 3 Swedes in a hostel owned by a swarmy alcoholic in a bad suit. We dined all together along with two English lassies and a blonde from Texas who lives in NY. The next day, one Swede and I boarded a boat and met a pair of Belgians, a Japanese comedian, a gaggle from Singapore, and an Australian who had just eaten an entire cobra, including its heart. Back in the hostel, I met Kim from Jersey, and we left together on a bus bound for the mountain. In the rain, we found a hotel room, a life coach from the Netherlands, and a German fitness model. The four of us together abseiled a 25-meter waterfall with 3 Vietnamese locals. Jersey Kim, who lives in Santa Monica, and I left the next day with a Heath Ledger look-a-like from Tasmania to go bicycling through the mountains. Finally, I landed in Saigon and have just locked myself in a room alone. It’s weird. I want to get some food, but I fear the moment I step outside I will make another friend. I’m ordering delivery.

    Jersey Kim taking a nap with all her things. She’s the one backpacker I’ve met with more stuff than I have. I even saw a chocolate-covered dwarf in her bag.

    Me, Jersey Kim, Dutch Dude and German Guy after tackling the waterfalls. It’s funny that everywhere you travel, it’s all about the country you’ve left.

    This is me with my new friend, Mr. Waterfall.
    He looks mean, but he’s actually really cool once you get to know him.

    Mikael from Sweden and I took a party boat to visit 4 islands off of Nha Trang, central Vietnam. At the end of the tour, we realized we hadn’t see any islands.

    A big dinner out in Nha Trang. It looks like a big group of friends. But we’re all talking about where we’re from. I have begun to lie about my country only because I can’t have the same conversation more than 10 times per day.

    Tinh and I in his living room. He’s a kung fu master, and he can read the future. He says that in the future I will be really cool.

    Sarah and I danced the night away until we realized they were playing the same 5 songs on a loop. Then we danced some more anyway.

    French boys! Ooh la la.
    Me, Michael, and the Greeks! We treated ourselves to an 8-course fancy schmancy dinner. It was $10.

    With just a rough map, we found our way to these hidden tunnels, where 60 families hid during what the government calls the ‘American War’ (even though it was the civil war, but we’ll get into that later.).

    Helmets are the new beret.

    Hiking in the clouds.

    It feels like I learn a new drinking game every night.

    This is the art director from London. It only rained on us, proving that God hates advertising.

    My first friend in Vietnam, Carmen. Hi Carmen!

  • Is anyone sitting there?

    I am in Saigon! I have managed to travel the whole of Vietnam without writing really anything about it! Before I do a big upload of pictures and stories, I have to share a quick one about my ride here in a sleeper bus.
    Yep, a sleeper bus. I am a true backpacker now. My hair is matted, I am wearing those weird diaper pants that travelers wear, and I save money by sleeping on buses.

    Anyway, the bus was traveling down a pot-holed highway at a pretty intense speed. In Vietnam, there are no traffic rules so drivers make their presence known by honking their horns. This happens every few seconds. Sitting in the first row, I realized that such a policy does not make for a very relaxing night of sleep. On a sleeper bus.

    So, I gathered my belongings and crept towards one of the empty bed/seat things in the back. The driver saw me. I know he did. Yet, he took that moment to slam on the breaks, sending me flying toward the windshield.

    With my backpack under one arm, and my prized i-pod and Lonely Planet tucked under another, I could not grab at any seat or limb to keep me in place.
    So I closed my eyes.

    I sailed down the aisle of the bus, taking flight along with several water bottles and shoes. When most people describe moments like these, they say it seemed like slow motion. But it didn’t. It was fast. Like a bowling ball. Or a jet. Or something else that goes down an aisle or runway and is really fast.

    In a nanosecond, I had broken my fall. Not on a railing or a window or even a passenger’s stinky foot. Instead, my body had landed bent in half, arms carefully cradling my material things and butt firmly planted atop the bus driver’s head.
    I sat on the bus driver’s head.
    I did.
    And I did it wearing really dirty pants that had sat on several stoops and streets that day.
    I could feel his wiry black hair through the thin fabric. But i couldn’t move. The law of inertia is a stickler.
    The man didn’t like it. In fact, he screamed at me. And his friend yelled too. Something in Vietnamese. And all i could do was apologize in English, waking everyone up.

    Finally, I was able to scramble to the open seat in the back where I silently laughed myself to sleep.

  • What’s in your fanny?


    Cannot believe it’s march already. No!!!! I want to post some things about Vietnam, but alas, I find myself without access to wi-fi, which means I can’t upload any photos. I’m sure in Saigon the internet will be much better and I’ve got tons to tell.

    To get you through the empty times, I will let you know that I have finally come to the realization that I must travel from now on with… a fanny pack. Yep, I left my debit card in the ATM, and I said, “FUCK! I need to be more organized.” I am on the lookout for a good one. If anyone knows of a good fanny store in South Vietnam, let a sista know.

    As far as everything else is going…. I have been breaking all the rules: eating street food, sitting on toilet seats, drinking stuff with ice in it, having unprotected sex with strange Vietnamese men, etc. I even donated my bed sheet to a hostel, so now I am at the mercy of every hotel’s bed sheets and whatever germs may come with. I’m living on the edge, I tell ya.

    Oh, and i ate a shrimp on accident. I told the lady, “No fish, no meat.” It’s like they don’t speak English over here or something.

    More to come very soon…

  • Let us all rejoice!

    Today is the birthday of the woman who birthed me. Happy Birthday, Mambert! And thanks, Grandma and Gramps, for creating such a wonderful woman. Without her, this blog would not be possible and its readers would be scrolling through PerezHilton instead. Thank you, Kowaleskis. You saved at least 4 people from bad grammar and crotch shots today.