humans are funny

Category: people

  • Peeps! And it’s not even Easter.

    I have fallen in love so many times on this trip (with people and cities and desserts and landscapes) that I fear my heart won’t remember how to function in normal society. I guess I am going to have to keep falling in love forever. With everyday items. That is my plan. What a lovely plan.

    I cannot help but give my heart easily to strangers… the wrinkly man who tries to sell me his stomach-curing herbs by rubbing his tummy and making fart sounds. The woman with tattooed eyebrows who asks me a million questions and then surprisingly buys me my lunch.

    Sure, a sunset is nice. And a local plate of mee (noodles) goes down with a sigh of satisfaction. But the people are what make it.

    The following are people who have really made my heart’s dimples show:

    1. Doug and Susan – Susan saw me in the lobby of my guesthouse in Alotau, PNG and said I could tag along on her hike to collect plants for a research grant. She failed to mention it was a 7-hour uphill journey through untouched jungle that required guides to machete a path before us. Hanging out with botanists was a hoot. They spoke a language of genuses and species. This Mangifera indica is riveting! Then they let me swing from a tree! I love botanists!

    2. Stewart Family – I met Melissa at the meditation retreat in Australia. 10 days later when her parents came to pick her up, her mom and dad refused to let me take the 2-hour train to Brisbane. They insisted on driving me. Then they insisted on letting me stay in their house. Then they gave me a shower and a bed. Then they cooked me dinner. THEN, when I had to get to the airport by 5am, the entire family woke up at 3:30am to drive me to the airport. THEN, they parked, walked me in to get to my boarding pass, AND BOUGHT ME BREAKFAST! Then, they escorted me to the gate and waved to me as I boarded the plane. Yes, they really did all that. And they didn’t steal anything from my bag. I’m still in shock.


    3. Fergus Kelley – For work, he deactivates landmines in Laos or treats AIDS patients in Africa. For fun, he visits orphanages or Thai prisoners with unjust sentences. He’s probably the most sincere and compassionate person I’ve met. Ever.

    4. Butterfly waiter – When we entered the Butterfly Garden restaurant in Cambodia to a lack of butterflies, we asked the waiter where they all were. “Dead,” he replied completely deadpan. He was serious and his simple clarity still has me laughing two months later. Dead!

    5. Bree and her mom – After a two-minute conversation, they had invited me to the party of the year in Alotau. I saw traditional dances, ate wine and cheese!, and met the who’s who of the Papua New Guinean beach community. And they saved me from Mr. Palm Tickler (see below).

    6. Nick – This Kiwi actually gave me the shirt off his back when I was cold in Sydney. Who does that? Nick does. After meeting the douches below, this guy restored my faith in the gentleman.


    7. Mrs. French – When I lost my camera during a swift trot at the horse camp, Mrs. French spent hours overturning leaves to find it. Don’t tell her that a monkey broke it anyway.

    8. Frenchie – Most men are positive that a woman traveling alone must be lonely and horny and yearning to sleep with him. He had no such thought (out loud)! Plus, he spent hours in cafes with me doing crosswords. And he told me bedtime stories!

    9. The village trek/pii mai team. Maya, Danielle, Lindy, Erica, Anne, Paul, Pieter, harada, Joya, Mads. Who knew such a random group could get along… a 40-yr-old teacher from Africa, a posh 19-yr-old couple, a bunch of hippies, 2 loudmouths, and some crazies. I’ve never felt so at home.

    10. Suan Mokkh nun – she has the smallest voice and emits peace wherever she walks. But her English is what drew me in. “If you know some old peoples, maybe you can taught them this excercises. Sometimes some old peoples have some problems in bones. Arthritis, yes. And maybe you can taught them this exercises to help them. Maybe your parents are old peoples. Or maybe your grandparents are old peoples. You should teach them this exercises. If they are old peoples.”

    Unfortunately, there are almost as many people who really piss off my heart. But they make for good stories:

    1. Bed masturbator – A French guy I shared a room with thought that, since I couldn’t see him through the mosquito nets, it would be ok to..um…have a party for one. But I could sure hear him. Go masturbate on your own watch, buddy. Sick! I left immediately the moment the sun showed up.

    2. Palm tickler – ew. This guy let me know he wanted to do me by slipping me the old tickly-finger-in-a-handshake trick. I felt dirty immediately. To be fair, I probably looked like a prostitute in Papua New Guinea as a woman traveling alone. But still! That trick is so seventies!

    3. Cyclo driver – This man screwed me over for a hundred dong. Jerk! Ha, I said dong.


    4. Dick in sydney – This jerkwad squeezed my boob quite roughly the moment after the flash illuminated. Then, when I didn’t slap him, he told me he owed his baby momma loads of money because his pull-out method didn’t work during a one-nighter in Singapore.
    “Didn’t you wear a condom?” I asked.
    “Are you kidding?”


    6. Bus pukers – if you get motion sickness, maybe you should find transportation other than public bus. This couple, one of their mothers, and a baby sat next to us at the start of the 12-hr ride to Luang Prabang. All three adults puked the entire ride. Not only did they try to pawn their baby off on us for 12 hours, but they puked in bags, tied them in knots, and left them all over the floor!


    7. Thai swindler – A very fat lady at the tourism office with a sweet face and matching voice lied to me about my visa, telling me I had to pay a whole lotta money to renew it. She told me I would get arrested if I didn’t and gave me 10 minutes to decide. The minute I had handed over the money, I realized it was a hoax. Whore.

  • I’m really popular in Asia.

    I met Carmen from Madrid in Hanoi, and we sampled Vietnam’s exotic fruits and strong coffee. Then I met a local friend, Hien, and she bought me a cone of Hanoi’s speciality ice cream from a place the tourists have not yet found. The next morning, I got on a boat and met a middle-aged pair from France, a Canadian-born Vietnamese couple, and an art director from London. Oh, and a girl from Michigan with her boyfriend from Cairns. We visited a sacred pagoda and held each other up under the massive local crowds swarming the place for good luck. On another boat the following day, I met Lee from Australia, Amelie from Paris, Michael from Germany, Guy and Henry from London, a dude from Croatia, and two wonky Irishmen who had recently been shot in Nigeria. We sailed through karsts and met 4 blondes and a guy from Holland and three barely-clothed Australian chicks. We all went dancing together. The next day, we went for a hungover hike and met a chica from Spain and a guy who couldn’t really say where he was from since he‘d moved so many times. Michael, the German, and I decided to travel together when we met a hilarious Greek couple. We spent a few nights zipping around on motorbikes and getting lost with the Greeks. But the three of them moved on while I stayed in Hue and met Tinh, a Vietnamese Buddhist who took me to meet some monks. The next day, I met up with Sarah from New Hampshire (who I knew from Los Angeles), Heidi from South Africa, one chick from Australia and another from Holland. We went out for dinner and met a pair of Canadians and a cute Japanese girl from Seattle. The next night, we found ourselves dancing under the stars with a Chilean drunk, a San Franciscan restauranteur, and a litter of Frenchies. I headed back to the monks and met Chetan from India who just moved to Hue from Singapore and is paying $30/month in rent! I finally arranged to be alone for a night when I met Ronny, an Indian living in Los Angeles. We had lunch, and he ordered me to eat the plate’s garnish because children are starving in Africa. I immediately hopped on a bus to Nha Trang, where I was suddenly roommates with 3 Swedes in a hostel owned by a swarmy alcoholic in a bad suit. We dined all together along with two English lassies and a blonde from Texas who lives in NY. The next day, one Swede and I boarded a boat and met a pair of Belgians, a Japanese comedian, a gaggle from Singapore, and an Australian who had just eaten an entire cobra, including its heart. Back in the hostel, I met Kim from Jersey, and we left together on a bus bound for the mountain. In the rain, we found a hotel room, a life coach from the Netherlands, and a German fitness model. The four of us together abseiled a 25-meter waterfall with 3 Vietnamese locals. Jersey Kim, who lives in Santa Monica, and I left the next day with a Heath Ledger look-a-like from Tasmania to go bicycling through the mountains. Finally, I landed in Saigon and have just locked myself in a room alone. It’s weird. I want to get some food, but I fear the moment I step outside I will make another friend. I’m ordering delivery.

    Jersey Kim taking a nap with all her things. She’s the one backpacker I’ve met with more stuff than I have. I even saw a chocolate-covered dwarf in her bag.

    Me, Jersey Kim, Dutch Dude and German Guy after tackling the waterfalls. It’s funny that everywhere you travel, it’s all about the country you’ve left.

    This is me with my new friend, Mr. Waterfall.
    He looks mean, but he’s actually really cool once you get to know him.

    Mikael from Sweden and I took a party boat to visit 4 islands off of Nha Trang, central Vietnam. At the end of the tour, we realized we hadn’t see any islands.

    A big dinner out in Nha Trang. It looks like a big group of friends. But we’re all talking about where we’re from. I have begun to lie about my country only because I can’t have the same conversation more than 10 times per day.

    Tinh and I in his living room. He’s a kung fu master, and he can read the future. He says that in the future I will be really cool.

    Sarah and I danced the night away until we realized they were playing the same 5 songs on a loop. Then we danced some more anyway.

    French boys! Ooh la la.
    Me, Michael, and the Greeks! We treated ourselves to an 8-course fancy schmancy dinner. It was $10.

    With just a rough map, we found our way to these hidden tunnels, where 60 families hid during what the government calls the ‘American War’ (even though it was the civil war, but we’ll get into that later.).

    Helmets are the new beret.

    Hiking in the clouds.

    It feels like I learn a new drinking game every night.

    This is the art director from London. It only rained on us, proving that God hates advertising.

    My first friend in Vietnam, Carmen. Hi Carmen!