humans are funny

Category: road trip

  • Day 6: See ya next time, vacuums. I’m rushing home!


    Regretfully pass the museum of vacuums, the largest rocking chair in the world, and an entire wax museum dedicated to Jesse James.

    3:55 Enter Addison, IL. Population: 32,000. Home to Marcus Cinema, Creative Mirror Designs, and 9 friends from high school who are currently pregnant.

    4pm Pull into the driveway of my childhood home just as my mom fires up the barbie. I’m “home.”

    4:02pm Sigh. It’s all over. 4 months of planning. 8.5 months of travel. 13 countries. $20,000.

    4:20pm Eat my momma’s home cookin’. Beats any samosa.

    4:22 Begin planning next trip. South America & Africa 2011. Who’s in?

  • Day 5: Christians and horse motels

    9am Bid adieu to the family and head on out again. I am a woman of the road.

    10am Realize road trip blogs are not that interesting. Weigh the possibilities of skipping right to Chicago but decide to persevere. Sorry.

    11am Don’t even sneer as I pass George Bush freeway in Dallas. I’m very mature and accepting now.

    4pm Hit the Oklahoma rest stop for a map.

    4:10pm Overhear the rest area employees talking: “Sheila, try this. It’s hummus. Comes from the hummus plant.”

    4:32pm Buy peaches on the roadside from the gentlest woman alive.

    4:35pm Spot some hummus plants.

    5pm Cannot find a radio station not talking about Jesus. Listen to a hip DJ insist that if you’re lost and you need wisdom, you just need to wait and Jesus will give it to you. I want to say, ‘Why don’t you go ahead and get the knowledge yourself instead of waiting?’ Actually, I do say it, but she doesn’t hear.

    6:20pm Stop again at Walmart. Again, the only audio book for sale is Glen Beck’s. Still a no.

    6:22pm See a man too fat to walk using a Rascal. Realize I could be caught on the People of Walmart blog. Shake a leg.

    11pm Make it Joplin, MO before hitting my last hotel of the trip.

  • Day 4: Nice chaps. Yee Haw.

    730am Wake up to the same cute voice talking about the same trucks. Man, kids get up early.

    8am Smile and nod as my entire family laughs at my Malaysian moo-moo. It’s comfy!

    11am Head to tailgate party for UT game. Against my will. Refrain from making jokes about UT also meaning Urinary Tract.

    12pm See several cowboy boots, confederate flags and CHAPS!

    1pm Eat pizza, three scones from Starbucks, and kettle corn– true American goodies. Love every bite but yearn for a samosa.

    2pm See cheerleaders and chuckle. Remember the time when I too was a leader of cheers and truly thought the game would not go on without me and my pep. Ah, hindsight.


    4pm Observe Texas traditions like the unveiling of a humongous Texas flag and the hailing of Texas as its own nation.

    4:15pm Cheer as the players emerge. Marvel as they bend onto one knee and pray before fans who are yelling, ‘Make them eat shit.’ Wonder what part of the bible that’s in.

    7pm Listen to my cousins gloat. Yeah yeah Texas is the best. Whatever.

  • Day 2: pillow crumbs!

    7am Wake up from odd dream about pythons. Go back to bed.

    10am Hit the pool. I ain’t spending $59 on a place and NOT dipping into the pool.

    12pm Finally hit the road. Figure I’ve got 7 hours ahead of me.

    1pm Screech to a stop due to starvation. Want something healthy and go for a salad at a strip mall Chili’s.

    1-2pm Observe Americans in their Chili’s environment. Amazed at all the white people, waitresses in mom jeans, loud talkers, guys drinking lunchtime beers, career bartenders, old people eating soup, and lunchers half in conversations and half texting others.

    2pm Stop at Wal-Mart for an audio book. The only one they have is Glen Beck’s “An Inconvenient Book” Hmmm…. might be nice to get the point of view…. Nope. Not gonna do politics on this peaceful ride through the beautiful southwest.

    2:10pm See a school of cops and a gaggle of Mormons entering the Chili’s. Darn. Wish I had come later so I could observe.

    3pm See Santa Monica license plate! About to wave but spy sorority bumper sticker and think otherwise.

    4pm In absolute awe of the beauty of my own country. Red rocks and funny shrubbery.

    4:30pm Enter New Mexico, the land of enchantment!

    Sorry this one’s blurry. Too many lunchtime beers. Just kidding. I’m driving.

    4:40pm Notice the sudden lack of mountains. Wonder if mountains are banned in NM.

    5pm drive behind a truck full of red chiles. Coooool! I mean, hoooot.



    5:15pm Spend a good 15 minutes thinking of a joke about telling these chilies I’ve just been to Chili’s. Come up with nothin’.

    7pm Almost stop to buy souvenirs in the Silver City but am turned off by their selling point: Agate bookends.


    7:20pm Pass State Prison sign.

    7:21pm See Fairgrounds sign

    7:40pm Stop for the night in Las Cruces. The owner of the hotel is a quirky Indonesian lady. Realize that life can lead you anywhere. How did she ever find this Las Cruces place?

    8:00pm Head out for dinner and note that there is nothing in Las Cruces. Nothing. It’s either Sonic burger or gas station food. I choose Chex Mix and orange juice.

    9:00pm Jump on hotel bed.

    10:00pm Fall asleep with Chex Mix on face and crumbs on pillow.

  • DAY 1: Burgers and asphalt

    America, here I come. I’m about to pummel across your highways and deserted roads. I’m going to count every grain of amber waves. And devour your spacious skies. With Scionito, my trusted Toyota Scion Xa, I will bust through your fruited plains and scale your purple majesties of mountains. I want to see all that you are. And fall in love with you again. You are my country. And we should enjoy each other. So, I will tread lightly through your variety of states. From Los Angeles to Chicago in seven days. Alone again. Free. Just me, the highway and Julieta Venegas (Not really her. Just her songs.). Haven’t driven in 8 months, but I’m ready to put my pedal to some floor mat.


    DAY 1:
    9am Finally get out of bed after four snoozes.

    10am Wash down mixed feelings of going home with a cappuccino and bagel (does not live up to recent French croissants).

    10:45am Write down directions from LA to Chicago on one tiny post-it.

    11:30am Pick a $60 parking ticket off my car window. Curse Los Angeles.

    11:55am Check blind spots as Catalina holds up her digits around the car. See them despite the wide load I’ve stuffed in the back.

    12pm Hit the 10E like lightning.

    1pm Famished after the hour drive. Stop for lunch.


    1:15pm Devour two In-n-Out cheeseburgers without meat. And a coke. Last Coke of my life. Swear. Man, this is a good lunch. I love big straws. Lordy, I love this meal.

    2:45pm Stomach is pissed. Fuck! I hate In-n-Out.

    3:00pm Thirty-eight miles to Palm Springs!

    3:38pm Stop to pee. LOVE not having to ask someone else to stop for a pee break. Wonder if I will ever be able to be in anyone’s company again or if I have just spent the year training myself to be alone forever.

    5:03pm Pee again!

    6:34pm Pee again. Just because I can.

    6:36pm Starting to think the cacti are waving at me. Wave back.


    9pm Use a coupon at the Holiday Inn in Casa Grande, AZ. Oh Yeah. Coupons! Can sense my mom smiling in her sleep all the way in Chicago. She can feel coupon usage. Especially at Kohl’s.

    9:15pm Compare Holiday Inn for $59 to $6 room in India. Not thaaaat much different. Everything just looks a little fresher, whiter, cleaner. The beds are more jump-worthy. Not 53 more dollars worthy.

    12:00am Fall asleep enjoying my journey. Remind myself to think of every day as a journey. If I don’t, it will all be over soon.