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Humongous handbags are all the rage these days, and I just don’t get it. I was swayed by a sale a while back and bought a few, but they’re driving me crazy.
What do people have that takes up such a large space and requires it be carried wherever we go? I carry a wallet, a chapstick, sometimes a camera, and my keys. Yet it takes me 30 minutes to find those keys in the cave that is my purse. Sometimes I throw a banana in there for later and don’t find it for years. The other day, I found my grandma in one of my big purses. I thought she’d died.

Items that can fit in a big purse: 1050 lipsticks or 12 bricks or 2 decapitated heads or a small goat or 4 hooker boots or 3 scientific molds of the endocrine system or 5000 earthworms or a pair of Siamese twins from Brazil.

My partner (at work) pointed out that the Asians who made the sign below are talking about the flower on their sign when they say “It’s lily good.” And here I thought they were poking fun at their stereotypical accents. Boy, was I wrong. I have to take it back then. Asians are not hilarious. AND they’re bad at coming up with restaurant taglines. And I guess they like lilies.

A bug got sucked into my nostril last night while I was running. Do you think it thinks it got vacuumed into a black hole?

I haven’t been able to stay awake past 11 in a week due to the fact that I, very reluctantly, decided to forgo my daily coffee.
I noticed that all my friends who don’t indulge in a morning espresso are always up for going running at midnight or playing a spontaneous game of croquet at some ungodly hour. I want to have that energy, so I quit cold turkey.
It’s SO FUCKING HARD. I fell asleep twice just writing the above sentences. I haven’t been able to think of anything brilliant at work, haven’t been able to catch John Stewart, and my roommate found me sleeping naked on the toilet. I guess it’s withdrawl. But it feels like narcolepsy. And it’s all Caffeine’s fault. How could it do me this way?
And Society! It’s his fault too. Why is it perfectly normal for an entire world to need a morning drink to function? We’re all caffeiholics and we’ve got enablers on every damn corner. I hope you’re happy Starbucks.
I’m giving Energy 3 weeks to come and get me and take me to a late-night party. If he doesn’t show, I’m back on the macchiato train.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I’m renaming “wrap sweaters.”
New name: “sweaters with long ends that fall into the toilet twice in a day”
TWICE!
Please spread the word. New name begins now.