humans are funny

Category: japan

  • The red fern grew in Japan, which is not really in China.

    When I arrived home from my around-the-world adventure last year, I felt like I knew what to do with my life. I’d been ashamed in Cambodia that I knew little about the holocaust there even though it happened in my very lifetime. Assuming other Americans my age were in a similar boat, I felt like my life’s purpose should be to write, the goal being to use humor to tell the world about the world.

    And then I started writing about Snooki and poo instead.

    But I am again renewed in my passion after seeing this gem from Lamebook:

    I’d like to first comment about how someone put a lot of time and thought into a Facebook app that tells you what kind of Asian you are. Umm…. actually, I’d like to not comment because I immediately imagine it asks racist questions like, ‘Do your parents own a convenience store, nail salon, or nothing because the Communist government won’t let them?’ Sorry. I know. Horrible. But, come on! What kind of app is that?

    Anyway, the more pressing issue is the chick who thinks that Japanese people are from China.
    The world needs help, my friends. Lots of help.

    But based on this guy’s Facebook profile,

    it seems that those who don’t read are kind of proud of it. If the only book I’d ever read was on the required list in junior high, I probably wouldn’t tell anybody. (But I’d also give books another chance. I mean… Where the Red Fern Grows? The only book? I can see why you may have been turned off, my friend, but at least try another. Read Maus if you have to. Geesh. [that’s a comic book- get it?])

    Now I’ve concluded that if I try to write more about the world, the people who need to read it won’t. Therefore, back to Snooki. I kind of miss her these days. And, OMG, let’s all plan a trip to China for sushi and kimonos.

  • Need not be human to apply

    Sometimes an outcome is so predictable that an ‘I told you so’ is rendered unnecessary. China is one example. The government gave families a one baby limit. Of course most Chinese families wanted their one baby to be male in order to pass on the family name. Or maybe just to avoid shopping for prom dresses.
    Either way, when the Chinese ended up aborting baby girls, it seemed like the obvious thing to do would be to repeal the law. Or at least let the people have 2 babies. Or 1.5.
    Maybe because I’m an outsider, I see it clearly. But I’ll argue that it had to be a bit obvious to the government or to a three-yr-old that a population of boys would lead to problems. Major ones. I am baffled that a government wouldn’t foresee the disaster of social engineering. You just don’t mess with nature. In the last Chinese census, there were 13 million more boys under 9 than girls. By 2020, there will be 40 million Chinese men with no one to marry, causing even more population problems.
    And I just want to say to China: DUH!
    I mean, DUH!

    Every day Chinese men pray that they will one day see what they’ve only read about: girls.

    I mention this because there’s something over here brewing that will surely elicit some ‘duh’s in years to come. I’m telling it now, so that I can actually say, ‘I told you so’ instead of ‘duh.’ (more professional).
    I noticed the problem when I went to the Santa Monica post office the other day. The helpful postal worker directed me out of the endless line and towards a machine. I told the machine that my box didn’t house anything explosive, and it was on it’s way to Chicago. Through a machine!
    MACHINES ARE TAKING OVER OUR LIVES. For some reason we’ve been putting up with it. We cringe but still deal with those horrifying automated systems we reach when we call corporations. You know– the ones whose “ears” pick up the tiniest sound in the room and tell you that your response wasn’t on the main menu. If those machines had nipples, I would pinch them with my toenail clippers, I would.
    But those now archaic machines were just the beginning. I recently went through a McDonald’s drive-thru (as a favor to a friend, I assure you) and guess who took my order? A machine. A MACHINE! McDonald’s thinks machines are better at saying, ‘Welcome to McDonald’s. Can I take your order?’ than a human. (Again, I was only there for a friend. A very unhealthy person who begged me to get her some fries. Not for me. It was for a friend.)
    At first I liked machines. The ones in the supermarkets especially. I always felt like cashiers were too slow anyway. And I happen to prefer purchasing my ice cream, glossies and bottle of wine on Friday nights without anyone knowing.
    But this has gone too far. What I saw this weekend has confirmed my suspicion that the end is near: a vending machine in Macy’s. And I wasn’t in the employee break room. That’s right. The one-time regal sport of dressing up and heading out to Marshall Field’s has now been replaced by a machine that spits out an acne solution or an iPod when you stick in a credit card.

    What is happening?
    We’re laying off humans left and right yet investing money in technology that will further obliterate even more jobs. There. I said it. Robots are taking over our jobs.
    Mark my words: January 20, 2010.
    So in 2050 when we’re all unemployed, sitting on stoops day in and out, buying dehydrated food pills with our electronic food stamps from the robotic ‘restaurant’ that drives by, I’m gonna have to say ‘I told you so.’
    You still don’t believe me? Check out this robot teacher in Japan. Yeah, a robot teacher. Who seems to have the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson. I’m guessing you’ll be able to pass a few notes in her classroom. Or maybe even pass an STD to your boyfriend in her classroom. Or shit on her desk before the bell rings.
    What is the world coming to? Say NO to technology. And NO to STDs and desk shitting in schools. Say NO to robots.