January 19, 2010

Need not be human to apply

Sometimes an outcome is so predictable that an ‘I told you so’ is rendered unnecessary. China is one example. The government gave families a one baby limit. Of course most Chinese families wanted their one baby to be male in order to pass on the family name. Or maybe just to avoid shopping for prom dresses.
Either way, when the Chinese ended up aborting baby girls, it seemed like the obvious thing to do would be to repeal the law. Or at least let the people have 2 babies. Or 1.5.
Maybe because I’m an outsider, I see it clearly. But I’ll argue that it had to be a bit obvious to the government or to a three-yr-old that a population of boys would lead to problems. Major ones. I am baffled that a government wouldn’t foresee the disaster of social engineering. You just don’t mess with nature. In the last Chinese census, there were 13 million more boys under 9 than girls. By 2020, there will be 40 million Chinese men with no one to marry, causing even more population problems.
And I just want to say to China: DUH!
I mean, DUH!

Every day Chinese men pray that they will one day see what they’ve only read about: girls.

I mention this because there’s something over here brewing that will surely elicit some ‘duh’s in years to come. I’m telling it now, so that I can actually say, ‘I told you so’ instead of ‘duh.’ (more professional).
I noticed the problem when I went to the Santa Monica post office the other day. The helpful postal worker directed me out of the endless line and towards a machine. I told the machine that my box didn’t house anything explosive, and it was on it’s way to Chicago. Through a machine!
MACHINES ARE TAKING OVER OUR LIVES. For some reason we’ve been putting up with it. We cringe but still deal with those horrifying automated systems we reach when we call corporations. You know– the ones whose “ears” pick up the tiniest sound in the room and tell you that your response wasn’t on the main menu. If those machines had nipples, I would pinch them with my toenail clippers, I would.
But those now archaic machines were just the beginning. I recently went through a McDonald’s drive-thru (as a favor to a friend, I assure you) and guess who took my order? A machine. A MACHINE! McDonald’s thinks machines are better at saying, ‘Welcome to McDonald’s. Can I take your order?’ than a human. (Again, I was only there for a friend. A very unhealthy person who begged me to get her some fries. Not for me. It was for a friend.)
At first I liked machines. The ones in the supermarkets especially. I always felt like cashiers were too slow anyway. And I happen to prefer purchasing my ice cream, glossies and bottle of wine on Friday nights without anyone knowing.
But this has gone too far. What I saw this weekend has confirmed my suspicion that the end is near: a vending machine in Macy’s. And I wasn’t in the employee break room. That’s right. The one-time regal sport of dressing up and heading out to Marshall Field’s has now been replaced by a machine that spits out an acne solution or an iPod when you stick in a credit card.

What is happening?
We’re laying off humans left and right yet investing money in technology that will further obliterate even more jobs. There. I said it. Robots are taking over our jobs.
Mark my words: January 20, 2010.
So in 2050 when we’re all unemployed, sitting on stoops day in and out, buying dehydrated food pills with our electronic food stamps from the robotic ‘restaurant’ that drives by, I’m gonna have to say ‘I told you so.’
You still don’t believe me? Check out this robot teacher in Japan. Yeah, a robot teacher. Who seems to have the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson. I’m guessing you’ll be able to pass a few notes in her classroom. Or maybe even pass an STD to your boyfriend in her classroom. Or shit on her desk before the bell rings.
What is the world coming to? Say NO to technology. And NO to STDs and desk shitting in schools. Say NO to robots.

{ 1 comment }

Dewan January 24, 2010 at 8:21 pm

Yes, "The Singularity" as the geeks call it is upon us. Robots can serve AND kill us. But look on the bright side, scientists are working to merge man and machine in order to create a nearly indestructible human body that will increase our lifespan way past anything we can now imagine. There's a great article about this in the January issue of GQ (btw they suck at posting articles online) and another in the NYT about the machine takeover: (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/science/26robot.html?_r=1). We've created a monster!!!

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