Did Joseph ever doubt Mary? A little bit?
“Hey, I’m, uh, a virgin but I’m pregnant. It’s God’s baby though. Swear.”
Come on.
Has anyone on Maury Provich ever tried that one?
Do farmers who actually sleep in barns with animals hear the story of Jesus’s birth and say, “So what?”
Did Jesus get any splinters on that cross?
If Jesus statues were painted his real skin color, would there be less Christian racists?
What is Jesus’s real skin color?
If Jesus accepted Mary Magdalene for being a whore, why does he hate gay people?
What is with all the sexual tension in ‘The Bells of St. Mary?’ Priests and nuns aren’t supposed to flirt.
Are priests and nuns supposed to flirt?
Are convents and churches really like sleepaway theater camps where everyone hooks up when the lights go out?
If Jesus was really the son of god, why didn’t he give us some clues about global warming/WWII/Kim Kardashian?
Why doesn’t anyone talk about what horrible gift givers the wise men are?
Did Mary return or regift the myrrh? It’s embalming oil.
Does Santa think he’s fat or is he okay with his body?
If he’s okay with his body, did he get to that point through affirmations? Yoga?
Are Jesus and Santa friends?
If so, do they compare notes on the naughty people?
What’s that? I’m being told Santa is not real.
Do some kids develop trust issues when they find out their parents have been lying about where their presents come from?
Does Pandora know what is in her box? Are there presents in there?
Is everyone’s holiday just a little bit boring?
Do some people really get mad if you wish them a Merry Christmas when they’re Jewish/Muslim/etc?
Or are we fighting over some deeper underlying issues?
Why can’t we all just get along?
What’s that? I’m being told that the world would be boring if we all just got along.
So… it would be like everyone’s holiday?
When other people are at home for the holidays, do their moms tell them what to do?
Gotta go. My mom’s telling me what to do.
{ 12 comments }
If your best friend came to you a told you she was pregnant, would you spend all your time with her trying to pry out the father’s name, or would you ask what could you do to help?
I suspect even farmers who sleep with their animals (Note: the word sleep here refers only to that state of somnambulism.) would be at least concerned if you told them their wives had to deliver their first born child in with the animals.
Let’s see now, Sharp thorns puncturing the skull tissue, Body recently whipped, Nails driven through the hands and feet, and then There’s that whole spear in the side thing. Now you want to ask about how he though the wood finishing went.
Do you really believe, that racists would believe that Jesus was a Semitic?
Why do you think that Mary Magdalene was a woman of loose virtue? (And since when have you become judgmental about how folks make a living?) ((Ask your mother what the name of her parish was as a child.)) Where did you read that Jesus ever mentioned homosexuality?
Supposed to flirt, perhaps not. Do they flirt, perhaps yes. Convents all-women. Monasteries all-men. That would seem to mean that any sexuality wouldn’t require the opposite sex.
Read the part where Jesus says “Then render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” Now ask yourself “global warming”, “WWI or WWII”, “Kim” are these matters of God or Caesar’s? There are quotes about what will happen to those who do not care for others, and what will happen to the poor and week, perhaps those are the warnings we should listen to. (PS: reread the part about “Judge not, and you will not be judged.)
Boy the whole questioning the gifts of the “wise men” thing. You must be a blast on Christmas morning when you rip the paper off the gift from Aunt Laura.”
“Is he fat?” Again with the whole judgmental thing. You’ve really got to get away from all that sun in California. Again Jesus, Historical figure. Saint Nicolas, Historical figure. Santa Clause, Philosophical construct for joy and charity. Finally parents don’t lie; they occasionally bend the truth when necessary. Ask your mother about it.
I don’t know about boring. Perhaps you should just put a little more bourbon in your Egg Nog.
Merry Christmas, or whatever winter holiday you celebrate.
Ha! Ok, you got me on a few.
But I’m not judging! I’m simply questioning.
I mean… I didn’t say Santa was fat. The poem says he has a belly like a bowl full of jelly.
And… I think it’s great if MM wants to be a whore. Good for her. I’ve definitely thought about it as a quite profitable career (even for myself at times). But if Jesus says that he accepts her and all the others, why aren’t gays or divorced people allowed into many Christian churches (not that gays and divorced people are whores, but they go against the norm)? My mom isn’t allowed to take Communion. That’s the judgement right there. I’m questioning that.
I love me any gift, but embalming oil at a birth!? I mean, that’s just a little insensitive (or creatively written foreshadowing…?).
You definitely got me on the splinters. Jesus probably got a few, but I bet the stakes through his hands got most of his attention.
Yes, yes, no, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no and no.
yeah, i’m with you on the 3 wise men. they should have brought amazon gift cards.
My mom has been telling me what to do for over a week now. When to get up, how to handle any issue that arises with my son, to read amazon reviews when I am trying to watch the first basketball game of the season.
I treasure the moments when she is at work and it’s just me and the boy. We like each other now. And my holiday hasn’t been boring at all.
My period is two weeks late, and the ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION is that it’s God’s baby. Or I’m just having an off month. One of those.
Clif, doesn’t the Pope speak for God/Jesus? The Pope is not exactly part of the Rainbow Coalition so I guess I understand what Laurenne means.
Dear Mambert,
The pope only speaks with the authority of the heavens when he declares some thing as “Ex Cathedra.” Since it was a pope who decided that popes were omniscient when speaking Ex Cathedra I suspect that the declaration can be questioned. The man (Note: not the woman) who sits in the chair of Saint Peter has a lot of historical baggage. Several times there have been more than one of them at the same time and there have been several who had prodigy as well. (Supposedly a no-no for priests) As for the churches position on homosexuality, it sits as questionable at best. The church’s position on priests who were both homosexual and pederasts was to move them away from the parishes where they committed the crimes. Note: in this case I think we can call the actions both religious and legally criminal. If in fact the churches position was correct that homosexuality is a sin, wouldn’t we have expected to see major punishment brought down upon those who betrayed their collar. Personally I’ll stick with the commandments as given by Jesus. Love God and love your neighbor as your self. Even if you back track to the famous ten commandments there’s no mention of homosexuality. Finally I’d never think of getting between a mother and daughter. Ok not really finally. There is no mention of Mary Magdalene being a prostitute in the bible. The casting out of demons that Jesus performed on her, I suspect was related to epilepsy, not anything to do with moral turpitude. If we’re going to start questioning Christmas I vote we start with whole idea of Jesus being born in December. Now there’s a belief that I’d question.
Hmmm??? And, that Rudolph with the Red nose… total crap! Red lights are not for reindeer!
I would like to hear more about this “Jesus” fellow. Seems like he has a good thing going on with whatever he’s doing.
All of these questions (AND MORE!!) are answered in Jesus’ favorite song of all time. “One of Us” by Joan Osborne. Little known fact, Joan Osborne’s real name? You guessed it. Joan Osborne.
I’ve heard from Christians that myrrh was to signify that he was born to die for the world(our sins). But maybe they have not been very reliable Christians? Also heard it was one of Jesus’ burial spices?
My view is a bit more obscure. These where wise men, no? Maybe they became so wise through travel. And maybe some of that travel was to southeastern Asia. There, myrrh is believed to have powers to purge stagnant blood for the uterus and is often combined with frankincense to promote movement of Qi. Seems pretty handy for Mary. Just sayin’………
Oooh! Good to know. I will grab some myrrh for my birth. I guess I’m not as wise as those wise ones. But, at least I have the internet.